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Scene 1: P.S. 118 Playground

(Arnold is floating in space while the camera pans down to Earth.)

Helga
(echoing) Arnold! Arnold! Arnold, Arnold, Arnold! Hey Arnold!
Arnold
Huh?!?
Helga
Move it, Football Head, you're up!
Arnold
(to himself) The wind's in the east. I should probably shoot for the gap between second and third.
Gerald
Just try not to get hit, OK?
Arnold
Yeah, good strategy.
Helga
OK, move in! This guy can't hit! No stick, no stick!
Harold
Ooh, look who's up. It's Arnold.
Gerald
C'mon, Arnold, pace it!
Harold
Thought you came to play a little baseball, huh, Arnold?
Helga
Just throw the ball, Blimpo.
Harold
Hey, don't call me Blimpo! I have a gland problem.

(Harold throws the ball but Arnold misses the first hit.)

Helga
Strike one!
Harold
Boy, what a good swing, Arnold. What powerful arms.
Helga
(throwing the ball back to Harold) C'mon, c'mon!
Harold
(catching the ball) Alright already, keep your shirt on, Helga! For all our sakes.

(Harold throws the ball the second time but Arnold misses the second hit.)

Helga
(throwing the ball back to Harold) Strike two!
Harold
(catching the ball) Ooh, good one! Who taught you to bat, anyway? Your looney Grandma?
Arnold
(spits his hand) Just throw it.

(Harold throws the ball the third time and Arnold hits it but the ball hits Harold.)

Stinky
Harold, are you alright?
Helga
Say something, Pink Boy!
Harold
G'night, mommy.

(Helga takes off her umpire helmet and hits Harold's hit.)

Harold
W-what happened?!?
Helga
Arnold beaned ya.
Harold
Who?
Helga
(imitating Harold) Arnold! (points)
Arnold
(nervously) Well, it was just a lucky swing. (throws his bat away)

(Harold walks closer to Arnold.)

Kids
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
Helga
Wait, don't touch him!
Kids
Ooh!
Harold
Why not?
Helga
Well um, uh, because he wants to wait a day, that's why.
Harold
I do.
Helga
Yeah, you know, let him dangle a while. Make him think about what he did to ya.
Harold
Make him think about what he did, yeah. OK, here's the deal. Tomorrow, Arnold, right here, it's clobbering time! Yeah! (laughs)
Kids
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
Harold
Hey, wait a minute! Tomorrow?!? What if he leaves town?
Helga
Don't worry, he's not going anywhere. I'll keep an eye on him.

(Harold laughs and Arnold gulps.)

Scene 2: The Street

Arnold
(kicks a can) Well, Gerald, it's been knowing you. Try to remember me as I am now, okay? Not as I will be tomorrow, dead.
Gerald
C'mon, Arnold, just 'cause Harold says he's gonna kill ya doesn't mean he's gonna actually do it.
Arnold
He sounded like he meant it.
Gerald
Yeah, but you know Harold. His short time memory is gone. The guy can't remember what he had for breakfast so how is he gonna remember he's gonna kill you tomorrow?
Arnold
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Gerald
Sure, I bet by now, everybody's forgotten all about it. There's not a kid in the whole city who'll even remember this stupid fight.
Helga
(on the bus) Hey Arnold, 23 hours until you die! (laughs)

(Gerald holds up a note.)

Arnold
What's this? CD player, roller blades, hockey stick.
Gerald
That's just the list of your stuff that I've kinda had my eye on, you know, if worst comes worse.
Arnold
Thanks, Gerald
Gerald
Don't mention it.

Scene 3: The Bus

Helga
(laughs) Arnold, that moron how I hate him and yet... (holds up her Arnold locket) ...I love him. So mysterious, so suave, such as a sustainably shaped-little head. You'll ignore me but deep down, you know how I really feel. It's love, love, love!

(Brainy wheezes at Helga on the bus but Helga hits him on the head.)

Scene 4: The Sunset Arms

Arnold
You wanna come up and eat with us?
Gerald
Your Grandma's cooking tonight?
Arnold
Yeah.
Gerald
No thanks, I gotta go wash my dog.
Arnold
(thumbs up) See you tomorrow.
Gerald
See ya. Don't worry, everything will be okay and take care of that list, man.

(Arnold opens the door while the animals run out.)

Arnold
Grandma?

(The downstairs phone rings.)

Arnold
(picks up the phone) Hello?
Helga
(on the phone) 22 hours, 46 minutes until you die!

(Arnold hangs up the phone. Grandpa comes out of the bathroom.)

Arnold
Hey Grandpa, I got a problem.
Grandpa
Shoot it at me, Shortman!
Arnold
You see, there's this big jerk at school. He says he's gonna...
Grandpa
...Says he's gonna beat you up, eh?
Arnold
Um, yeah.
Grandpa
Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?
Arnold
That's right.
Grandpa
Big guy, huh? Slow but with lots of power, squash him like a bug, eh?
Arnold
Yeah, yeah, what should I do?
Grandpa
I have no idea.
Arnold
I got to think of something, Grandpa.
Grandpa
Well, you could skip town but then you'd have to live for the rest of your life in fear always looking up in your shoulder waiting for that day. You try reasoning with him. Oh, a moron, eh? Well, Arnold, I wish I knew what to tell you. In 80 years, I think I've only learned one thing for sure.
Arnold
What's that?
Grandpa
Never eat raspberries. Gotta go.

(Grandpa enters the bathroom and Arnold climbs up the stairs.)

Arnold
Grandma, Grandma.
Grandma
(swats a fly) Come on in, Kimba.
Arnold
No, Grandma, it's me, Arnold.
Grandma
Oh, I know but right now, you'll be Kimba, (to the fly on the phone) he'll be the man-eating tiger (the fly hears her high-pitched voice) and I'll be Blonna.
Arnold
OK, Grandma, I mean, Blonna. I need some advice.
Grandma
Certainly. (pops her finger) Always stay down end of your price, carry plenty of ammo and eat everything you kill!

(Grandma swats the phone but the fly flies away and the phone rings.)

Hello? It's for you, my savage friend.

Arnold
Would you take a message?
Grandma
Kimba's not available right now. (writes down with her pencil) Uh-huh, uh-huh, 22 hours and 3 minutes till you... Was that dry or fry, dear? Die, yes alright, dear. Underline 3 times. Yes, you bet. Thank you for calling.

Scene 5: Arnold's Room

(Arnold turns on the stereo, the lights and couch with the remote control. He sits down on the couch and the phone rings but Arnold pulls the phone off.)

Helga
(on the megaphone) Arnold, hey Arnold! 21 hours, 15 minutes and (looks at her watch) 14 seconds until you die!

(Arnold closes the window.)

Scene 5: Arnold's Room at Night

Helga
on the megaphone) 16 hours, 21 minutes and 12 seconds until you die! 16 hours, 20 minutes and 59 seconds until you die!

(Arnold sleeps in bed with his pajamas.)

Kids
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Harold
It's clobbering time.
Grandpa
Squash, you like a bug, eh?
Harold
Your looney Grandma?
Grandpa
Never eat raspberries.

Scene 6: Arnold's Dream

(Arnold runs on the roofs and the giants Helga, Harold and Stinky run after him.)

Helga
(laughs) Come on down, Arnold. We're gonna get you anyway.
Arnold
(on top of the building) Back, back I say! (holding up a bat)
Harold
Ooh, he's got a bat! What are you gonna do, Arnold? Swing it at us?
Arnold
Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna swing it, I'm gonna swing it all day! (laughing and grunting)
Helga
He's crazy!
Harold
Run! Help me!
Arnold
I'm crazy, crazy! (laughing)

Scene 7: The Sunset Arms

Radio D.J.
It's 7 o'clock on K-I-L-L. This one goes out to Arnold who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes and 47 seconds from Helga who hates you.

(Arnold takes out his boombox and leaves the boarding house while the animals enter. Abner holds up a newspaper and Arnold looks at it and it says "Arnold to Die Today". Arnold throws the newspaper away and walks with Gerald.)

Scene 8: The Street

(Harold, Stinky and Joey are walking. The men at the ice cream parlor watching wrestling on television while Arnold and Gerald passes outside.)

Helga
(on megaphone) New morning line, Arnold goes down in 6 seconds! Any takers?
Iggy
(giving a dollar) I'm in, man.

(Eugene gives to Helga another dollar.)

Harold
Well, where is he?
Helga
Don't worry, he'll be here.
Stinky
There he is!
Harold
So Arnold, you decided to show up. Now why don't you make it easy on yourself and hold still while I pound that football head of yours flat?
Arnold
Before you do, there's something you should know, Harold.
Harold
What?
Arnold
I'm crazy and you should never hit a crazy person.
Harold
Oh, Arnold's crazy! If you're so crazy, prove it!
Arnold
OK. (turns on the boombox)

1, 2, 3, grunt
Watch me! Hey!
Watch me! Hey!

Now you think you got to put me down
Now you think you got to push me all around
But wait, don't hit me!
I'll hit me!

To the brim!
Hey, alright
Gotcha, gotcha, c'mon
Got to feel it, huh, in your body
Baby, man, hey!

I got a date
I got to, got to, break a plate
Don't hit me, I'll hit me!
I'm crazy!
YEAAAAAAH!

(turns off the boombox)

Harold
Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?

(The kids cheer.)

Stinky
He's wacko.
Helga
Oh, he did it. My love really did it.

(Brainy wheezes at Helga with a bandage on his nose but Helga hits him.)

Hey, wait a minute, no fair! What about the fight? I sold tickets. There's gotta be a fight.

Harold
OK. (to Iggy and Joey) You two guys fight.
Iggy
Oh, OK.

(Iggy and Joey fight together. The kids cheer and picks up Arnold while leaving. Gerald winks at Helga.)

Helga
Boys are so stupid.

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