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April Fool's Day/Transcript

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Credits

Transcribed by "Mystical Ambitious"

Reformatted by Varakorn Ungvichian

Cast, as credited

Arnold Alex Linz
Helga / Sheena Francesca Smith
Gerald Jamil Smith
Stinky Christopher P. Walberg
Sid Taylor Gifaldi
Eugene Blake Ewing
Rhonda Olivia Hack
Harold Justin Shenkarow
Phoebe Anndi McAfee
Curly Adam Wylie
Grandpa / Wyatt Dan Castellaneta
Grandma Tress MacNeille
Mr. Simmons Dan Butler
Principal Wartz David Wohl
Nurse Mary Gross
Brainy Craig Bartlett

Scene 1: The Boarding House Kitchen

(GRANDPA runs in the kitchen where ARNOLD is eating. A hatchet is in his eye with fake blood coming down.)

GRANDPA

Oh, mercy, Arnold! There’s been a terrible accident, and oh, April Fools’!
(ARNOLD wipes away the cereal from his sweater as Grandpa pulls off the prosthetic, revealing it as a prank.)

ARNOLD

You got me, Grandpa.
(GRANDMA comes in happily)

GRANDMA

Oh, Happy Groundhog’s day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!

GRANDPA

We know, Pookie...

BOTH

(Monotone) Twelve more days of Christmas.

GRANDMA

Oh, isn’t it exciting! Well, I’ll be upstairs. I’ve got presents to wrap.
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE BELLS
JINGLE ALL THE WAY...

GRANDPA

Ah, Spring. The fresh air, the flowers. Hey Arnold, smell my boutonnière. April Fool’s!
(GRANDPA squirts ARNOLD with a plastic flower)

ARNOLD

Good one, Grandpa. Funny.

GRANDPA

Sorry, Arnold. Couldn’t resist. No more jokes now. Eat your eggs.
(GRANDPA puts a plate of eggs down in front of ARNOLD. ARNOLD tries to cut them, but can't)

GRANDPA

Rubber eggs. April Fools’!

ARNOLD

Grandpa...

GRANDPA

Aww, come on, Short Man. It’s April Fools’ Day. Don’t you want to play a prank on someone?

ARNOLD

No thanks, Grandpa. I’m not really into the April Fool’s jokes.

GRANDPA

Oh, that’s crazy talk, Arnold. Everyone loves April Fools’. Let’s see here. Oh, here it is! The granddaddy of all April Fools’ pranks. (GRANDPA shows ARNOLD a small purple box with red ribbon around it.)
Try this one on your little classmates today, Arnold. I once tried it on my friend Jimmy Kafka. Told him it was a late birthday present but when you open it, a blinding light goes off! It’s a riot!

ARNOLD

No thanks, Grandpa. I just don’t think anybody at school is really into April Fools’ Day.

Scene 2: PS 118 hallways

(It turns out the whole school is into April Fools' Day! A goat runs out of the building. PEAPOD KID chews a piece of gum while HAROLD watches. PEAPOD KID gags and the gum turns out to be a trick piece of gum.)

HAROLD

April Fools’!
(RHONDA is seen acting like she's about to kiss CURLY. Instead she smacks him)

RHONDA

April Fools’!
(EUGENE trips and falls)

EUGENE

Woah!

SHEENA

April Fools’!

EUGENE

Heh, heh. Good one, Sheena.

ARNOLD

Wow! I guess everyone’s really into April Fools’ Day!

GERALD

No kidding, Arnold. We’ve got to get in on this action!

ARNOLD

I dunno, Gerald. I’m just really not into it. I’m too...

GERALD

I know: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind. In fact, you’re the perfect target for an April Fools’ joke.
(ARNOLD smiles at his friend, opens his locker and is hit by a punching glove on a spring)

HELGA

April Fools’, Football head!

ARNOLD

Good one, Helga.

HELGA

Get used to it, Bucko, cause you’re gonna get it all day long!
(ARNOLD glares at HELGA)

Scene 3: Mr. Simmons' classroom

(STUDENTS chatter and HELGA walks into the classroom. She drops a small sound box in ARNOLD's chair. Suddenly, PRINCIPAL WARTZ runs in the classroom, hysterically)

WARTZ

Students, quiet! Please, settle down! I have some very serious news. Your beloved teacher, Mr. Simmons, is no longer with us because he was run over by an enormous steamroller! Ah! Egad! It’s his ghost!
(MR. SIMMONS stands up from behind his desk, eerily. His face is pale and he's holding a flashlight. The rest of the class just stares, not acting the least bit nervous.)

SIMMONS

Ooooohhhh. April Fools’, everybody! It’s not my ghost — it’s just me! (wipes off chalk)

RHONDA

That was so lame!

SIMMONS

Thank you, Principal Wartz, for that very special introduction.

WARTZ

Let’s make it an annual tradition, Mr. Simmons. Carry on.

SIMMONS

Oh, class! We’re having our first annual April Fools’ dance tonight at the YMAA gym. Principal Wartz and I both will be there as chaperones, and I’ll be crowing one lucky student the King of Fools. Eugene, would you mind distributing the flyers?

EUGENE

I’d be honored! I really hope you all will come and vote for me. I think I’d make a wonderful King of Fools. (CURLY trips EUGENE)
Ow! I’m okay.
(HELGA casually drops her pencil near ARNOLD's desk.)

HELGA

Hey, Arnoldo, pick up my pencil!
(ARNOLD gets up and leans down to get HELGA's pencil. HELGA pushes a button and a farting noise comes from the sound box. Everyone laughs and points at ARNOLD)

HAROLD

Ar-nold farted!

HELGA

April Fools’, Football Head!

STINKY

Willikers, Sid. This school’s just chock-full of pranks.

SID

I know! This room is tough! We gotta think of a prank that beats them all, or be ashamed.

STINKY

Yeah — a huge, whopping, super-prank!

SID

Hey, what if we pulled one at the big dance that Mr. Simmons was going on about.

STINKY

That’s a great idea, Sid! Tonight, where everybody can see!

SID

Now all we gotta do is think up a prank!
(STINKY opens his desk and shows SID a turtle)

STINKY

Maybe we can do something involving my pet turtle Snappy. He’s a passel of laughs. (SNAPPY snaps at SID. SID yelps and pulls back) Careful, Sid. He really bites.
(In between classes, CURLY dismantles one of the ringing school bells and laughs dementedly.)

Scene 4: Cafeteria

ARNOLD

I hope Helga’s finished playing April Fools’ jokes on me.
(ARNOLD sits down on a plate of chocolate pudding. EVERYONE in the cafeteria laughs)

HELGA

April Fools’, Football Head. Look at him! What a loser!

HAROLD

Time to change your diapers, Ar-nold!

GERALD

Hmm, mm, mm. Arnold, she’s gonna be at it all day. She said so herself. Face it man: it is time to retaliate!

ARNOLD

You’re right! I’ll be back.
(ARNOLD leaves)

Scene 5: PS 118 hallway

(ARNOLD calls GRANDPA on a payphone)

ARNOLD

Hello, Grandpa?

GRANDPA

Hello. ACME plumbing.

ARNOLD

Huh? Oh, sorry, I must have...

GRANDPA

April Fools’!

ARNOLD

Grandpa...

GRANDPA

Sorry, Short Man. I couldn’t resist. You’re just the perfect straight man.

ARNOLD

Well, not anymore. I’m calling, because I’ve decided to take you up on your offer after all.

GRANDPA

A special offer? We’re not buying any today. Thank you, goodbye.

ARNOLD

Grandpa!

GRANDPA

April Fools’, Arnold! I can’t stop.

ARNOLD

Listen, I’m serious. Remember that little gift box you showed me this morning?

GRANDPA

‘Course I do! It’s the granddaddy of all April Fools’ pranks! Oh, don’t tell me! You want to use it on someone?

ARNOLD

That’s right!

GRANDPA

Oh, I can’t believe it! Oh, this is wonderful! Hold that thought, Arnold. Don’t weaken! I’ll be right down!

ARNOLD

And, Grandpa?! Bring me an extra pair of pants.
(GRANDPA pulls off his own pants and holds them up)

GRANDPA

Done!

Scene 6: Outside PS 118

(GRANDPA quickly drives by in the Packard, and past ARNOLD)

GRANDPA

So, now we’re ready to try it, Mr. “I’m not really into April Fools’ Day”!

ARNOLD

Could I just have the box? Please, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

What’s that on your pants? Turn around.
(ARNOLD turns around)

ARNOLD

It’s chocolate pudding.

GRANDPA

Oh, that’s a good one! Old “pudding pants”! Who did it? Let me guess! Your little friend with the one eyebrow?
(ARNOLD turns back around)

ARNOLD

Helga, right. Can I have the box?
(GRANDPA gives ARNOLD the box)

GRANDPA

Wait until she gets a load of this! She’ll be the one needing an extra pair of pants. And speaking of which, here’s yours.
(GRANDPA holds up his pants)

ARNOLD

Uh, Grandpa, those are your pants.

GRANDPA

April Fools’! Good luck, Short Man.

Scene 7: The Cafeteria

(EUGENE looks in a box, then starts groaning when a mousetrap clamps around his nose)

HELGA

Man, talk about gullible. You’re almost as easy to bamboozle as that loser, Arnold! And speaking of which, where is the biggest sap of them all?

ARNOLD

Right here, Helga, and I’ve got a present for you.

HELGA

Get real, Football Head. Like there’s any way I’m falling for that old gag.

ARNOLD

It’s not a gag. It’s a belated birthday present.

HELGA

Yeah right! And I’m Mary, Queen of Scots.

ARNOLD

I’m serious, Helga. I mean, your birthday was last week, right?

HELGA

(Thinking) Oh my gosh! I can’t believe he remembered! (Out loud) Yeah...so?

ARNOLD

So, happy belated birthday! (ARNOLD holds up the box)

HELGA

(Thinking) Oh, Arnold. My beloved. you’re so kind and good...I solemnly swear, I’ll never play another prank on you again. (Out loud) Well, uh....gee, Arnold. Thanks.
(HELGA opens the box and a giant flash comes out)

ARNOLD

April Fools’!
(EVERYONE laughs)

HELGA

Help! Help! I’m blind!

GERALD

You have to be if you didn’t see that one coming!

HELGA

No, you morons! I’m really blind! (we see her eyes, they are teary and unfocused, Arnold gasps, all the KIDS laugh)

Scene 8: Outside the Nurse’s Office

STINKY

It’s like Mr. Simmons always says: “horseplay always leads to tears”.

Scene 9: Inside the Nurse’s Office

HELGA

So give it to me straight, lady. Am I going to make it or not?

NURSE

You’ll be just fine, Helga. Fortunately, your blindness is only temporary. You should be back among the sighted any second now. (removes bandage from eyes and Helga's vision returns)

HELGA

Hey, what do you know. I’m cured. Huh! Well thanks for the miracle. I’ll catch you later.

NURSE

Not so fast, Helga! Before I can let you go, you have to promise me you’ll be more careful.

HELGA

Me? But this whole thing was Arnold’s fault! Him and his lousy April Fools’ prank. I can’t even believe I trusted him.

NURSE

Either way, I want you to ease up on the tomfoolery. The last thing we need is for you to end up with a permanent eye injury. It would be devastating for you...and your little football headed friend.

HELGA

Wait a minute. That’s a great idea! I mean, that’s great...advice. From now on “careful” is gonna be my middle name. You can count on it. (HELGA goes towards the door to leave, then stops)Oh, man. This is gonna be so boss! I’ll pull the biggest April Fools’ prank of all by pretending to still be blind! And Arnold, sentimental sucker he is, will feel so guilty and responsible, he’ll have no choice but to be my slave, my servant, my Seeing Eye dog! I’ll totally torture him. Now all I got to do is sell it. (Notices a cane next to the door) Perfect!

Scene 10: Outside the Nurse’s Office

SID

Boy, howdy. She’s been in there a long time. Bet you must feel pretty guilty right about now, huh, Arnold.

ARNOLD

Way to state the obvious, Sid.
(HELGA walks out of the NURSE's office, the cane in hand)

PHOEBE

Helga, are you okay?

HELGA

Oh, I’m fine, you, know except for the fact I’m still blind.

ARNOLD

Helga, I’m so sorry.

HELGA

Arnold? Arnold, is that you? (HELGA hits ARNOLD in the head with the cane) It’s so dark.

ARNOLD

Yes, it’s me. So, what did the nurse say? I mean, are you going to be all right? How long is this thing going to last?

HELGA

You mean my complete and utter lack of eyesight? Oh, you know. Maybe an hour...maybe forever.

ARNOLD

Is there anything I can do?

HELGA

Well actually, there is. You could walk me home. I figure I should break the sad news to my poor parents as soon as possible.

ARNOLD

Sure, no problem.

HELGA

Great. I’ll go get my things.
(ARNOLD and HELGA leave together. HELGA hits ARNOLD in the leg with the cane)

GERALD

Hmm, mm, mm. That is the saddest thing I have ever seen.

RHONDA

Tell me about it. Now she’s even more pathetic than ever.

GERALD

I was talking about Arnold. The poor guy could be indebted to Helga G. Pataki for the rest of his life.

Scene 11: The sidewalk

ARNOLD

Helga, I’m really, really sorry.
(HELGA hits a GUY with her cane)

GUY Ow! Dagnabbit!

ARNOLD

I never meant for this to happen!

HELGA

Aw, don’t sweat it. It’ll all blow over soon, and if not, well, you’ve got the rest of your life to make it up to me. (HELGA tries to continue across a street, but ARNOLD stops her) So what’s the hold up? Why’d we stop?

ARNOLD

Intersection. Red light.
(HELGA looks at ARNOLD and fakes a dizziness spell)

HELGA

Oh!

ARNOLD

Helga, what is it? What’s wrong?

HELGA

Uh, nothing. It’s just I’m overwhelmed by all these sounds. They’re making me dizzy. Do you think you could carry me the rest of the street, Arnold?

ARNOLD

Carry you?

HELGA

On your back. You know, like one of those ponies at the petting zoo. I mean, it’s the least you could do for blinding me, right?
(ARNOLD is seen carrying HELGA on his back. HELGA squirms and pulls at ARNOLD's hair)

ARNOLD

Ah! Ow, watch — watch out. Ow, that’s my hair, Helga.
(A cab rushes down the street. HELGA turns to look at it and cries out)

HELGA

Arnold! Look out for that cab! (ARNOLD and HELGA tumble safely to the other side of the street) Arnold, are we alive?

ARNOLD

We’re fine.

HELGA

Phew! Good thing I sa...I mean, smelled that cab coming.

ARNOLD

You smelled the cab?

HELGA

Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. Speaking of which, you might want try a stronger deodorant, Football Head.

ARNOLD

Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.

HELGA

I don’t know about you but all this excitement’s really made me thirsty.

ARNOLD

Well, there’s a drinking fountain over there.

HELGA

No dice. I need something hearty. Is there anyplace around here where I can get a milkshake, Arnold?

ARNOLD

Well, there’s Slawsons, but it’s on the other side of the street.

HELGA

Well then, giddup.

Scene 12: Slawson’s Ice Cream Parlor

WYATT

Okay, what’ll it be?

HELGA

I’ll have an extra large triple chocolate shake, two cherries, no funny stuff.

WYATT

That’s an awful big order for such a little girl. You sure your eyes aren’t bigger than your stomach?

HELGA

Positive, on account of my friend here has blinded me.

ARNOLD

Why don’t you make it two?

WYATT

You’re the boss.

HELGA

And don’t skimp on the whipped cream okay, Wyatt. Why it...why it’s gotten so very, very warm in here all of a sudden. Well, I’m gonna go sit outside. Be a good sport and pick up the check, would you, Arnold?

ARNOLD

Sure...

Scene 13: Helga’s House

ARNOLD

Well, here we are: your house.

HELGA

Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me, you know, except for the part where you made me go blind. (HELGA intentionally drops her books) Whoops, dropped my books.

ARNOLD

Let me get them for you.

HELGA

Don’t bother. It’s not like they’re any use to me now that I’m blind. Hey I know! Why don’t you take them? After all, I’m going to need someone to do my homework for me until I learn Braille.

ARNOLD

Sure.

HELGA

Great. Well, see you later. Oh, wait! I wont, because I’m blind, because of you. Mom! I’m home, and I’m blind! (HELGA slams the door on ARNOLD and peers at him through the mail slot)Arnold, what a sap, what a sucker. What an April fool. I mean, talk about blind. The guy can’t even see the wool being pulled over his own eyes. Oh well, I guess I’ll just sit back and enjoy a dish of sweet revenge.

Scene 14: Arnold’s House

GRANDMA

Oh, Happy Groundhog’s Day, Arnold. You’re just in time to open presents.

ARNOLD

Maybe later, Grandma.

GRANDPA

So, how’d the prank go, Arnold? Was it a big hit?

ARNOLD

No, Grandpa, it was terrible! Helga went blind!

GRANDPA

So? What’s so terrible about that? Sounds like a total success? Heck, I nearly wet my pants when the same thing happened to Jimmy Kafka.

ARNOLD

What?! Grandpa, why didn’t you tell me?

GRANDPA

What? That I wet my pants? Well that’s no big news.

ARNOLD

No, that the prank could cause blindness?

GRANDPA

Arnold, I did. I said it had a “blinding flash”.

ARNOLD

I can’t believe this is happening.

GRANDPA

Oh, don’t worry, Short Man. If Helga has Jimmy’s luck, she should have her sight back...eventually. Meanwhile, you should do something nice to make it up to her. (GRANDPA notices the April Fools' Dance flyer) Hey, I know! Why don’t you take her to this April Fools’ dance?

ARNOLD

Grandpa, what good will that do?

GRANDPA

It’ll be fun! It’ll take her mind off the horrible situation. You know, the fact that you blinded her.

ARNOLD

Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt.

GRANDPA

Unless she falls down and breaks her hip.

Scene 15: Helga and Arnold on the Phone

(HELGA is sitting on the recliner, watching wrestling. The phone rings and she picks it up)

HELGA

Hello?

ARNOLD

Helga? It’s Arnold.

HELGA

Arnold! I mean, how are things in the sighted world, Football Head?

ARNOLD

Fine. The reason I called was, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the April Fools’ dance with me.

HELGA

You mean like a “blind date” or something?

ARNOLD

Uh, I guess you could call it that.

HELGA

All right, Arnold. If it’ll ease your guilty conscience. But it better be first class all the way — nothing on the cheap, you got me?

ARNOLD

It won’t be, I promise.

HELGA

Good. I’m glad we’re seeing eye to eye, you know figuratively speaking, since I’m blind.

ARNOLD

Right. I’ll pick you up at seven. Bye.
(HELGA hangs up the phone)

HELGA

Ha! Forget about Eugene being crowned King of Fools. At this rate, Arnold’s the shoe in for victory. And when I’m done with him, he’ll wish he never tried to beat me at my own game.

Scene 16: Outside the YMAA

GRANDMA

Toyland — Everybody out! Next stop: North Pole.

Scene 17: Inside the YMAA

HELGA

Watch your back, watch your back! Blind girl coming through!

HAROLD

Look at Helga!

SID

Boy howdy! Look at her!

STINKY

Yeah. She looks even blinder than before!

RHONDA

I realize she’s blind and everything, but her outfit!? I mean, there’s really no excuse.

SIMMONS

Attention, everyone! Welcome to the most special dance of the year: our first ever April Fools’ dance! And remember, later tonight, we’ll be crowning the King of Fools so don’t forget to cast your vote.
(EUGENE is standing near the refreshment table talking to RHONDA)

EUGENE

I really hope I can count on your vote. I think I’m a natural born King of Fools, don’t you?

RHONDA

Truthfully? I couldn’t care less.

EUGENE

April Fools’?

RHONDA

No, Eugene. No April Fools’.

EUGENE

Oh.

ARNOLD

Hey, Helga. I brought you some punch.

HELGA

About time. Now hand it over!
(HELGA intentionally knocks the cup from ARNOLD's hand and spills it over him and her hand)

ARNOLD

Ah!

HELGA

Nice going. You spilled punch on my hands. Oh well, guess I’ll just wipe them off with this towel.
(HELGA grabs ARNOLD's hair)

ARNOLD

Ow, that’s my hair, Helga.
(HELGA releases ARNOLD)

SIMMONS

Okay, people. Time to come on the floor and dance to a special April Fools’ Day song played backwards.

ARNOLD

Are the sighted people out there dancing and having fun?

ARNOLD Yes. HELGA

That...that must be nice.

ARNOLD

Helga, would you like to dance?

HELGA

Sure, what the heck.

GERALD

Mm, mm, mm. Arnold dragging a blind Helga around the YMAA gym floor to backwards disco music. Now I’ve seen everything.

PHOEBE

It is a rather extraordinary situation.

Scene 18: In the Girl’s Room

STINKY

Easy there, fella. No snapping.

SID

At least not yet.
(They put SNAPPY in a toilet.)

Scene 19: On the Dance Floor

ARNOLD

(Thinking) Oh, man, I really hate this.

HELGA

(Thinking) Oh, man, do I love this or what? I’m actually dancing cheek to cheek with Arnold! He’s holding me tight. His hair smells yummy. Oh, who am I kidding? (HELGA hugs ARNOLD tightly) I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him. Nah, this is way too much fun.
(HELGA spins ARNOLD into EUGENE who falls over the table)

ARNOLD

Ah!

EUGENE

Woah! I’m not okay.

PHOEBE

Oh my. Eugene! Should I call a doctor?

EUGENE

April Fools’! I’m okay!

HELGA

Well I’m not okay! Where’s the dumb football head that blinded me for life?

ARNOLD

I’m right here, Helga.

HELGA

Take me to the can, Jeeves. I’m about to explode!

GERALD

Now there’s a lovely image.

Scene 20: Outside the Girl’s Room

ARNOLD

Uh, here we are, Helga. The girls’ room. Can you take it from here?

HELGA

Fine! I’ll grope my way into the stall. Thanks for nothing.

Scene 21: Inside the Girls’ Room

HELGA

Phew! Alone at last.
(A stall opens and PHOEBE walks out)
Phoebe! Geez, don’t scare me like that!

PHOEBE

Helga? You can see me? Is your eyesight returning?

HELGA

Phoebe, I’m not blind! I can see everything!

PHOEBE

Oh, my!

HELGA

And I can especially see Arnold falling for the greatest April Fools’ joke in history. I totally have him fooled, the fool. He’s the one who’s blind.

PHOEBE

Gosh, Helga. I’m amazed. I mean I’m actually...impressed. It’s a brilliant April Fools’ prank.
(GERALD listens via vent)

HELGA

Pretty good huh? I mean, I’m chumping everybody. It’s easy as pie. And you wanna know why? Because the people that we hang out with are lamebrains and saps and the biggest lamebrain is Arnold. I can’t wait to see the look on his idiotic face when I break the news to him. There’s just one more dance to go and then it’s time to announce the King of Fools. But until then, mums the word, got it?

PHOEBE

Mumming.

Scene 22: In the Girls’ Bathroom

SID

Uh oh. I heard a flush but no “ow”.

STINKY

Looks like the joke’s on us, Sid, on account of Snappy’s been flushed down the terlet. Oh this really bites.
(STINKY starts crying)

Scene 23: On the Dance Floor

GERALD

Guess what, man. Helga’s faking. She’s totally pretending she’s blind.

ARNOLD

Pretending? Helga?

GERALD

I just heard her tell Phoebe the whole thing. She said you’re a lamebrain and a sap and a chump.

ARNOLD

So she thinks I’m a lamebrain and a sap, huh?

GERALD

And a chump. Maybe it’s time you give Helga G. Pataki a taste of her own medicine.

ARNOLD

Gerald, I think you’re thinking what I’m thinking. (GERALD whispers to ARNOLD) That’s even better than what I was thinking.

SIMMONS

All right, people. It’s time to tango.
(MR. SIMMONS and PRINCIPAL WARTZ start to tango)

ARNOLD

Oh, there you are, Helga. Just in time for the tango.

HELGA

Bring it on, Football Head. Let’s cut a rug. (ARNOLD leads HELGA out onto the dance floor where he whips her around) Huh, hu!

Scene 24: Supply Room

(GERALD looks around and sees a button that opens the pool)

Scene 25: On the Dance Floor

(ARNOLD and HELGA are still dancing. ARNOLD pulls HELGA close and stares at her)

ARNOLD

It must be strange not to be able to see anything, anything at all.

HELGA

It is. It’s very... (ARNOLD dips HELGA roughly) Arnold, you’re being kinda rough!

ARNOLD

Don’t worry my poor blind friend. You’re in good hands.

Scene 26: Underground

(SNAPPY comes out of the sewer and walks down a dark hallway)

Scene 27: On the Dance Floor

(GERALD pushes the button and the dance floor starts to open, revealing the pool underneath)

STINKY

Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?
(ARNOLD remains dancing with HELGA)

ARNOLD

Helga, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

HELGA

There is? Funny, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you too.
(HELGA whips ARNOLD out and he hits SHEENA)

SHEENA

Ow!

ARNOLD

Yeah. I’ve just been waiting, waiting for the right moment.

HELGA

So have I.

SIMMONS

People, attention. We’ve counted all the votes and the first ever King of Fools is...
(HELGA dances away from ARNOLD, pulls off her sunglasses and points at him)

HELGA

You, Arnold!
(ARNOLD grabs HELGA's arm, pulls her close, dips her, then spins her out over the pool)

ARNOLD

Actually, it’s you, Helga!
(HELGA falls into the pool)

HELGA

Ahh!

ARNOLD

April fools’!
(MR. SIMMONS looks around, befuddled)

SIMMONS

Actually, Eugene is the King of Fools.

EUGENE

Me? Oh my gosh? It’s an honor just to be nominated. You’re all winners guys!
(EUGENE walks up and PRINCIPAL WARTZ AND MR. SIMMONS crown him and place a robe on him)

SIMMONS

HERE HE COMES! HE'S THE KING OF FOOLS HE'S EUGENE, FROM OUR VERY OWN SCHOOL
(EUGENE doesn't watch where he's going and falls into the pool)

EUGENE

Woah!

HAROLD

Hey! Where’d Eugene and Helga go? Huh?
(ARNOLD stands at the edge of the pool as HELGA surfaces and stares at him)

ARNOLD

Joke’s on you this time, Helga! I know you’re not blind!

HELGA

All right, fine. You win. The least you could do is help me out of here.
(ARNOLD leans down and offers HELGA a hand. HELGA pulls ARNOLD into the pool)

ARNOLD

Ah!

HELGA

Gotcha again, Football head.
(EVERYONE in the gym start pushing each other into the pool. PRINCIPAL WARTZ pushes MR. SIMMONS in)

WARTZ

What the heck? April fools’ Simmons. (BRAINY pushes PRINCIPAL WARTZ in) Woah!
(HELGA laughs with RHONDA and then suddenly screams)

HELGA

Ow! Ow!
(She crawls out of the pool, Snappy bitting her)

STINKY

Snappy?
(STINKY pulls SNAPPY off HELGA)

SID

Snappy, you’re alive!

STINKY

He made it though the terlet after all. Hey, wait a minute. If Snappy got flushed down the terlet and ended up here, then what the heck are we swimming in?
(SID screams and throws his arms around STINKY's neck)

SID

Ah! Let’s get out of here!

EUGENE

(Underwater) Gosh! This is the best April Fools’ Day ever!

Source

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