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Street[]

(Arnold is waiting outside the Boarding House. The city bus arrives, Arnold gets on and the bus leaves)

City Bus[]

(The geeks are talking and laughing on their seats and Sid is dialing on a phone)

Arnold

(sitting down) Hey, guys, what's goin' on?

Helga

(rudely) Pipe down, Arnoldo. Can't you see we're trying to listen here?

(Stinky, Sid and Harold lean over the hear the phone ringing and it answers)

Caller

Hello?

Sid

Hello? Yeah, um, I was just wondering is your refrigerator running? (the caller grumbles) It is? (the caller grumbles again) Then you better go catch it.

(The geeks laugh at the prank phone call. Curly sniffs Rhonda's hair from behind and she disgustingly shouts)

Rhonda

Cut it out, Curly!

Arnold

Cool phone, Sid, is it new?

Sid

New? Uh... uh... Sort of. I borrowed it from Lorenzo.

Arnold

(unconvinced) That was awfully nice of him.

Sid

(exaggerates) Yeah. Plus, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

Arnold

Sid, you mean you didn't ask him?

Sid

Look, Arnold, i-it's really no big deal.

Helga

Criminy, football head, could you possibly be more of a wet blanket? (to Sid) My turn to dial, champ. (takes the phone)

Mr. Simmons' classroom[]

Rhonda

(writes on a piece of paper) "Dear Curly, I've been admiring you from afar for quite some time, and even though I'm too shy to tell you how I feel in person..." (thinks and continues writing) "...I just had to write you and say that frankly, Curly, with your bold eyewear, jaunty upper lip and attractive bowl-cut hairdo, I think you're a total hottie! Sincerely yours, your secret admirer."

(The girls and Eugene laugh at the practical letter joke)

Helga

(unenthusiastically) Way to go, princess. You should (puts her hand on Rhonda's shoulder) You should have Curly off your back in no time.

Arnold

(notices) What are you guys doing?

Rhonda

Check it out. I'm sending Curly this fake secret admirer letter.

Arnold

Uh, Rhonda, I don't think that's a very good idea.

Rhonda

If Curly thinks someone else likes him, he'll forget me.

Arnold

What if he finds out you wrote it?

Rhonda

Oh, Arnold, relax.

Helga

(agrees with her) Yeah, Arnoldo, quit being such a spoilsport, would ya?

P.S. 118 Playground[]

(The gang is tampering with Eugene's bike while Arnold and Gerald arrive with Gerald holding a baseball bat and Arnold holding a ball)

Arnold

Hey, guys, want to play some baseball?

Helga

(chuckles evilly) And miss this? (scoffs) Get real, Arnie.

Stinky

Lookee down here, Arnold. Harold and I are planning a little monkeyshine for Eugene.

Harold

(uses a wrench to mess up the pedals and the chain) Yeah, when Eugene gets on his bike for his afternoon ride, it'll be all wobbly and break apart, and he'll fall right off!

Arnold

(filled with worry) That's a really bad idea. Eugene could get hurt.

Stinky

Aw, quit your worrying, Arnold. It'll be a hoot.

Helga

(walks up to Arnold) Yeah, Mr. Goody-two-shoes, how about you mind your own beeswax and stop being such a party pooper for once in your life?

Rhonda

(smiles smugly, agreeing with Helga) Really, Arnold, you are quite the busybody.

Stinky

Yeah, you're a regular nosey Parker.

Sid

(annoyed) When it comes to meddling, you're the king.

Harold

And you're a kibbitzer, too!

Stinky

(confused by that word) What the heck's a kibbitzer?

Harold

It's Yiddish for "big, fat buttinski".

(Arnold is immediately offended by those words)

Helga

You know what, football-face? I bet you couldn't go a whole day without betting into other people's business.

Sid

(smirks) Yeah, it would drive a know-it-all like him crazy.

Arnold

Look, you guys, if that's really how everyone feels, then fine. I won't give any more advice. That's really no big deal. (walks away)

Helga

(annoyingly relieved) Finally, no more stupid football-head and his annoying do-goody blabby advice to spoil our good time.

(Everyone agrees as Arnold is still walking away)

Park[]

(Arnold and Gerald are hanging out on the monkey bars)

Arnold

Hey, Gerald, do you think that the other kids are saying about me is true? I mean, do you really think I'm always going around butting into other people's business?

Gerald

(hanging upside down) You? Are you kidding? Of course not. I mean, that's crazy. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Arnold

(thinking it's not helpful) Gerald.

Gerald

Sorry, man. I mean, truth is, you are kind of a buttinski.

Arnold

(unfazed) Then that settles it. As of right now, I'm never giving advice to anyone ever again.

Gerald

(surprised and shocked, as he gets back up) You? Never give advice again?! I'll believe it when I see it.

P.S. 118 Playground[]

Stinky

(twists Eugene's bike's handlebars) That oughta just about do it.

Harold

Yeah, look, it's all wobbly just like we figured. (laughs with Stinky)

Eugene

(comes by with a lollipop and his bike helmet) Guys, what's all the excitement?

Harold

(lies) Nothin'. Uh... We're just, uh... (hides his hands behind his back along with Stinky) Standing here.

Stinky

(acts innocently) Y-yeah. Just innocently congregating around our favorite new hangout-- The school bike rack. (Sid and Rhonda laugh)

Eugene

(not knowing what they mean) Oh, but if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll take my bike for a little midday spin. Whee! (pedals away while Harold and Stinky laugh)

(Suddenly, the bike starts clanking)

Eugene

(confused) Hey, my bike feels kind of funny. (the bike is now breaking apart) Uh-oh.

(Harold and Stinky smile at their prank. The pedals break, the wheels come off and Eugene is scared)

Eugene

(about to get hurt) Hey! Whoa!

(What is now worse is Eugene is on the street where there are incoming cars, the handlebars break off and Eugene's bike seat is now a unicycle. Harold and Stinky are shocked to see that their little prank has gone too far as Eugene crashes into a fence that has a sign on it that says "Beware of dogs". The gang cringes and runs away. The dogs bark and attack Eugene off-screen as parts of his clothes have been ripped off)

Eugene

(screams in pain) Whoa! (grunts) Ow. I'm okay.

Mr. Simmons' classroom[]

Curly

(reads Rhonda's letter) "...Frankly, Curly, with your bold eyewear, jaunty upper lip and attractive bowl-cut hairdo, I think you're a total hottie! Sincerely yours, your secret admirer." (lowers the paper down and sees Rhonda writing another letter) Hmm...

(Rhonda looks over her shoulder, notices Curly and shamefully hides her pencil as Curly blows a kiss at her. Rhonda gasps in shock)

Hallway[]

Sid

(on Lorenzo's phone) Hello, Denise's pizzas? Yeah, I'd like, um... two dozen large double-cheese with pineapple and anchovies. (stops walking) Huh? Oh, for delivery: P.S. 118's elementary school's cafeteria; Principal Wartz-- W-A-R-T-Z. About 20 minutes? Sounds great. (gets poked in the eye by a paper plane and drops the phone) Ow! (the phone crashes onto the floor) Oh, no! (comes to Arnold at a water fountain) Arnold, um... Can I talk to you for a second, old buddy? (holds up Lorenzo's damaged phone) See, I-I've got this problem--

Arnold

(interrupts him) Look, Sid, I'm sorry, but---

Rhonda

(grabs his arm) Oh, Arnold! I am so glad I found you. You have just got to help me.

Stinky

(walks into the hall with Harold) Hey, Arnold! Harold and me is in a manure-load of trouble!

Harold

And we need you to get us out of it!

Arnold

(seriously) Look, you guys, I'm sorry you're having problems, but I can't help you.

Sid

What do you mean you can't help?

Rhonda

Yeah, you're always giving advice.

Stinky

And figuring out what we should do in moments of crisis.

Arnold

(obviously) Yeah, well, that was before this morning when you all agreed that I was a busybody and told me to keep my nose out of your business.

Harold

Was that the same time I called you a big, fat buttinski?

Arnold

Yeah, Harold, it was. Anyway, you guys told me to stay out of things and, well, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. So I'm sorry, but you're on your own. (walks away)

Sid

(somewhat shocked) On our own?

Harold

(to Stinky, worried) Now what are we supposed to do?

Stinky

(puts his hands on his head in panic) We're doomed!

Rhonda

(angrily) Helga... (the gang goes to confront Helga by her locker) Helga, this-this is all your fault!

Harold

Yeah! (crosses his arms)

Sid

(points his finger at her) Why did you have to go making us tell Arnold to mind his own business for?

Stinky

Now our lives are going straight down the old commode!

Helga

(scoffs) Oh, man, you guys are pathetic. Do you actually think you need Arnold around just to tell you what you have to do?

(The four answer affirmatively)

Helga

(scoffs again) Please! I can give advice just as good as the old football-head. (to Phoebe) Phoebe, line up these losers up outside my office. (Phoebe does so as she write on a clipboard) I'll straighten you morons out in no time.

Janitor's Closet[]

(The door has a sign that says "Helga's Advice")

Helga

(talking to Sid) So, you stole Lorenzo's phone and broke it, eh? (Sid nods) Okay. All you gotta do is put it back in his locker before he comes back from vacation. He'll never even know it was you. Next. (Rhonda is in the closet) Look, princess, if you want Curly off your back once and for all, just let him keep on thinking you're his secret admirer. (Rhonda writes on her palm) You know, tell him that you're really, really wild about him. Trust me, once you've put him on the spot, he'll be totally repulsed.

Rhonda

Repulsed. Got it.

Helga

(talking to Harold and Stinky) All right, boys, here's the plan: you blame the entire Eugene incident on some other stooge before he finds out that you dolts are the ones who tampered with his bike and finally snaps. Believe me, it's the right thing to do.

(Harold and Stinky smile at each other)

Cafeteria[]

(The school bell rings and it is lunch time. Rhonda goes to Curly like she was planned to do what Helga told her)

Rhonda

(smiles casually) Okay, Curly, I admit it. I'm your secret admirer. And the truth is, no matter how hard I try and fight it, (reads her palm) I'm really, really wild about you. In fact, I've fallen crazy in love. So what do you say? How does that make you feel?

Curly

(grabs her arm and dips her) Give daddy some sugar.

(Everyone looks on as Curly kisses Rhonda in the lips, much to her surprise)

Hallway[]

(Sid is struggling to open Lorenzo's locker, which finally opens. Sid sneakily sees if anyone is looking and turns around to see a glaring Lorenzo is behind him, which startles Sid and makes him drop Lorenzo's damaged phone)

Stinky

So it's agreed. We blame the whole Eugene mishap on some other fellow.

Harold

Right.

(The two see Eugene coming to them in a wheelchair, wearing bandages and a cast on his arm)

Eugene

Hi, guys.

Stinky

(surprised) How are you feelin'?

Eugene

(still smiling) Oh, I'm just fine. In fact, the doctors say I should have the feeling back in my legs in just a couple of weeks.

Stinky

(concerned) Um, Eugene, Harold and I know who the shifty feller was that tinkered with your bike.

Eugene

(a bit sure) You do?

Stinky

We sure do. (nervously) It was... (he and Harold look at and narrow each other's eyes, and finally points at Harold) It was Harold's fault!

Harold

(points his finger at Stinky) Stinky! It was his fault!

(The two continuously blame and point fingers at each other as Eugene looks on)

Stinky

(angrily) Hey! What in the heck are you blaming me for? The whole bike prank was your dumb idea!

Harold

(angrily protests) It was not!

Stinky

Was, too!

Harold

(pushes Eugene's wheelchair so hard) WAS NOT!! (gets into a fight with Stinky)

Eugene

(while being pushed away) Uh, guys... Hey, guys! (other students see the commotion happening and Eugene screams. Harold and Stinky finally stop fighting each other as Eugene falls down the stairs and crashes while Helga looks at this)

Arnold

(to Gerald) Wow, that looked pretty bad. Maybe I should do something.

Gerald

Please, Arnold, that guy is constantly falling down. Trust me, he'll be just fine.

Arnold

I know. It's just things are kind of crazy around here. First Lorenzo wants to kill Sid for breaking his phone, then Curly thinks Rhonda's in love with him, and now Harold and Stinky... I don't know, Gerald. I just feel like I should try and help out.

Gerald

(obvious) Come on, Arnold. Remember what Helga said? You couldn't go an entire day without butting into other people's business, and all the other kids agree with her. Face it, buddy. These people do not want you interfering in their lives.

Arnold

You're right, Gerald. Let's go. (the two walk away)

Helga

(pulls out her locket in shame) Oh, my disconsolate beloved, prompted by my reckless words to turn your beautiful back on those in need, forced by my loose tongue to look the other way when do-goody duty calls, encouraged by my careless challenge to flagrantly violate the good-Samaritan laws of our country. Oh, Arnold, I've single-handedly snuffed out the candle of your caring little soul. And incited chaos among our hopeless, hapless peers. Oh, my darling, I won't waste another moment. I'll stop the madness and right those to whom I have so wronged!

Rhonda

(furious) When I get my hands on that Helga, she's gonna be sorry she was ever born!

Stinky

Yeah! That Helga's advice really bites!

Sid

Why'd I even listen to her?!

Harold

If she wasn't a girl, I'd pound her! (socks his fist into his palm)

Eugene

(with his head still stuck in a trophy hole) Um guys...

Curly

(to Rhonda, standing next to her) Let me smell your hair. (touches Rhonda's shoulder)

Rhonda

Oh! (snatches her arm back) Get away from me, you four-eyed freak! (walks away from him)

Curly

Please! Just one little whiff. That's all I need. (Everyone marches up the stairs furiously)

(Helga now realizes she is at fault)

Janitor's Closet[]

(In the janitor's closet, Arnold is sitting on a file cabinet and Helga is pacing)

Arnold

So what you're saying is you want me to start giving people advice again and help them with their problems?

Helga

(stops pacing) Exactly. (paces again)

Arnold

But, Helga, I don't get it. I thought you said I was a wet blanket, a spoilsport, a party pooper.

Helga

(cheerfully) So, you are all those things, Football Head, and that's what makes you the perfect person to give advice. I mean, look at me; I'm terrible at helping others. I'm the worst! I have no moral conscience whatsoever. (sighs and becomes serious) Look, Arnold, if you're not gonna do this for me, then do it for your stupid friends out there. Trust me, they're a complete mess without you.

P.S. 118[]

(Everyone is gathered outside the school where Arnold is in front of them)

Arnold

All right, you guys, listen up. (Phoebe gives him the clipboard) Rhonda, tell Curly you're sorry for making him think you were his secret admirer.

Rhonda

(gives in and crosses her arms at Curly) No problem.

Arnold

Sid, you can start by apologizing to Lorenzo for stealing his phone.

Sid

(shameful) Okay.

Arnold

Stinky and Harold, the first thing you need to do is ask Eugene to forgive you, that is, if he can even hear you.

Eugene

(heard through his bandages covering his face) I'm okay.

(Helga looks through the front door window, pulls out her locket and sighs as she then hangs it onto her chest. Meanwhile, a janitor cleans up the hallway. As the episode ends, we can hear Helga sighing dreamily)

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