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Credits

  • Written by - Craig Bartlett and Michelle Lameroaux
  • Music by - Jim Lang
  • Lyrics by - Craig Bartlett and Michelle Lameroaux
  • Storyboard Director - Chris Robertson
  • Animation Director - Christine Kolosov
  • Storyboard Artist - Miyuki Hoshikawa, Steve Lowtwait, Tim Robbins

Cast

Arnold Spencer Klein
Eugene Blake Ewing
Lila Ashley Buccille
Helga Francesca Marie Smith
Phoebe/Betty Anndi L. McAfee
Rhonda Olivia Hack
Stinky Christopher Walberg
Sid Sam Gifaldi
Mr. Leichliter Tim Curry

The Eugene, Eugene! Chorus

Scene 1: PS. 118

(Mr. Leichliter is putting up a poster of his award-winning musical, "Eugene, Eugene!" in front of Woodrow Wilson's Auditorium and leaves the kids. Helga, Phoebe, Stinky, Sid and Nadine see the poster while Arnold and Gerald arrive.)

Arnold
What's going on?
Phoebe
Apparently auditioned for some kind.
Eugene
(arriving while recognizing the poster) For "Eugene, Eugene!"?!?
Stinky
What the heck is "Eugene, Eugene!", Eugene?
Eugene
It's a wonderful musical broadway play about a hero named Eugene who's kind of a loser but also plucky and positive and extremely lovable who triumphs over misfortune.
Lila
(arriving) Oh, that's my favorite musical ever! And I've always wanted to play the part of Betty, Eugene's oh-so complicated love interest.
Eugene
Yeah, (stands on the stoop post) Eugene tries to win her away from a bad guy, Lawrence. At first, Betty's torn between the two suitors but in the end, she falls for Eugene. (Helga frowns like a clown.) They dance a beautiful potterer, then to top it all up, Eugene sings his high-kicking show stopping number "Sunny Side Up."

(singing) Keep your sunny side

Keep your funny side

Keep your sunny side up

(Sid, Stinky and Joey watch with interest.)

Sid
What are we waiting for? Let's all go and try out.

(The kids enter Woodrow Wilson's Auditorium but Phoebe and Helga stay.)

Phoebe
Aren't you coming, Helga?
Helga
I'd rather pound nails in my forehead.
Phoebe
(removing a post slip sticker from the poster) We could paint scenery instead. It pays $2 an hour.
Helga
OK.

(Helga and Phoebe enter the auditorium.)

Scene 2: Woodrow Wilson's Auditorium

Sid: I'd like to do a scene from "A Streetcar Named Desire". (taking off his black jacket) STELLA! (crying)

Mr. Leichliter
That will be quite enough. I can sign you to the chorus. Next!
Rhonda
(as Scarlet O'Hara from "Gone with the Wind") But Rhett, whatever will become of me?
Mr. Leichliter
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot. Next!
Lila
(singing) It's not easy being perfect
It's not easy being sweet
To be constantly amusing
And have dainty size 6 feet

(Helga paints a car prop in her pink overalls.)

Helga
Milky princess, you're breaking my arm.
Mr. Leichliter
(holding up a picture of her girlfriend Betty as a little girl) Oh, she's perfect, alright.
Lila
(singing) I'm Little Miss Perfect, or so people say
Stinky
(sitting on the seats with Arnold sighing) Rich and I'll take any part that puts me Opposite Miss Lila.
Lila
(singing) Nonetheless, I must confess
That it's hard being me
And in spite of what you see
I'm perfectly sad today
Eugene
Hit it!
(singing and dancing with a cane) When life gives you lemons, dance!
Dance like there's a muskrat in your pants
When your toes are tappin'
Nothin' bad can happen
When life gives you lemons, dance!

(falling off the stage) I'm okay.

Mr. Leichliter
(laughing) It's more than O-kay, that was inspired.

(Eugene smiles with relief.)

Mr. Leichliter
Attention, everyone, I found my Eugene in Eugene Horowitz. The role for Betty will be essayed by Lila Sawyer and the role for Lawrence, I've chosen Arnold... hmm, I can't read my own handwriting.
Arnold
Me, as Lawrence?!?
Stinky
The black-hearted villain. It's a juicy role, Arnold.
Eugene
Well, I'm gonna run home and read the whole play, even if it takes me all night. (leaves the auditorium)

Scene 3: The Horowitz's House at Night

Eugene
(laughing while reading the script) I love that scene. (drinking his milk) Wait a minute, this isn't what happens next! Eugene what?!? (turning the script pages) Betty, Lawrence, Nice Guys Finish Last?!?

Scene 4: The Bus

Eugene
Arnold, did you read the play? (sits down with Arnold) Eugene doesn't get the girl, Arnold, he gets hit by a trolley on page 78. (gives to Arnold his script) And then Lawrence, you, the bad guy, gets the girl and sings a song about how great it is to be bad.
Arnold
(looking at the script on page 78) Wait, I've got another song?
Eugene
Yes, (showing to Arnold his script) "Nice Guys Finish Last, Bad Guys Have a Blast". Arnold, my song, "Sunny Side Up", has been cut.

Scene 5: Backstage

Mr. Leichliter
Enter stage left.

(Arnold and Eugene arrive at the office and meet Mr. Leichliter.)

Eugene
Mr. Leichliter, we have to speak to you about the play. Starting on page 78, things begin to go very, very wrong.
Mr. Leichliter
(looking at the script of page 78) Oh, you mean the new ending? I take full credit for that.
Arnold
But it's a famous play written by...
Mr. Leichliter
...Written by a sentimental milk soft who didn't know the first thing about life. I rewrote the play for today's disenfranchised modern audience. In real life, the loser never gets the girl because, (taking out the Betty picture) because the girl always turns out to be a scheming depressant heartbeat who tears your heart out still beating and...(sobs but stops) Trust me, it's a much better ending.
Eugene
But now, there's no rendition for the hero. He doesn't get his dream, he gets hit by a trolley.
Arnold
And I don't know about ending the play with the song like "Nice Guys Finish Last". It's a really depressing message.
Mr Leichliter
Excuse me, children, ever heard of Black Comedy? Trust me, the audience will love it! (sitting back down at his desk) My "Eugene, Eugene!" will be brilliantly dark, a smash.
Eugene
Well OK, Mr. Leichliter, if you say so.
Arnold
But I still think...
Mr. Leichliter
Your job is not to think, your job is to do what I tell you. (pointing to the exit) Now exit, stage right. (Arnold and Eugene leave his office.) Oh, if only the hero had gotten his dream, (looking at the Betty picture again.) his Betty, my Betty. But alas, he did not. (Tears come out of his eyes and three hit the Betty picture.)
Eugene
Let's just hope for the best and try and look on the bright side. After all, things still get to be happy and optimistic for the first 77 pages.
Arnold
You mean before Betty dumps you for me and you get (pointing to the trolley prop) hit by the trolley?
Eugene
Yep, I guess you'll be the one dancing the potterer with Betty now, Arnold.

(While Eugene and Arnold leave backstage, Helga who is painting the trolley watch them.)

Helga
Wait a minute. Betty, I mean Lila dumps Eugene for Lawrence, I mean Arnold?

Scene 6: Woodrow Wilson's Auditorium: Two Weeks Later

Lila
(as Betty) Why hello, Eugene.
Eugene
(as Eugene holding a four-leaf clover) I picked this for you. (giving it to Lila)

Lila: (smelling a four-leaf clover) Thank you, Eugene, it's very nice, only...

Arnold: (as Lawrence) ...Only when are you finally gonna realize that Betty belongs to me, not you?

Eugene
Gosh, Lawrence, I guess I just figured with old fashioned for resistance blind up optimism she'd eventually come around.

(Mr. Leichliter looks through the script's pages.)

Arnold
Oh, Eugene, the only way Betty to love a buffoon like me is in your dreams. Now out of our way.

(Arnold as Lawrence hits Eugene with his cane and laughs. Eugene falls down and gives a thumbs up.)

Lila
Oh, Eugene, let me help with you.
Arnold
How many times have I told you, Betty? There's no helping a loser like Eugene. (leaves with Lila)
Eugene
(standing up) Well, you know what they say.
(singing) When life lays a lemon on your plate,
Kick up your heels and celebrate
When you're caught in a downpour
With nothing to live for
Strike your most spirited stance...
And dance! Dance!! Dance!!!

(falling down while hitting the piano woman)

Mr. Leichliter
(applauding) Bravo! Again, again!

(We cut to the rehearsal of the final scene.)

Lila
I'm sorry, Eugene. I think you're a really smart guy but I just can't be with you.
Arnold
.Because she's with me and for the last time, get lost. (closing the door of the house)
Eugene
Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to give up and leave town.

(Sid and Stinky see Eugene and play the trolley while hitting him.)

Mr. Leichliter
Perfect, (wiping his eye) just like in real life!
Eugene
Ow.

(Harold and Iggy pick Eugene up while holding a hospital net.)

Arnold
Well, I guess it's true what they say, Betty.
Lila
What's that, Lawrence?

Arnold

Nice guys finish last
Bad guys have a blast
Take his money — grab his honey
Dump that loser fast
Mr. Leichliter
(angrily) No, no, no, we've gone over this for two weeks! Bigger, bigger, nastier!

(Leichliter snaps his finger while the piano woman plays the piano.)

(singing) Who cares if you're nice?
Nice guys pay the price
Life lambasts them
While jerks cruise past them
Right to the head of the class
Because nice guys finish last!

Oh, that's enough for tonight. You all need to go home and focus. Tomorrow is our premiere.

Scene 7: Backstage

Eugene
(singing while playing the piano sadly) So keep your chin in the air
A spring in your step
Keep a-walkin' with flair
Chock full o' pep
Arnold
Hey, Eugene.
Eugene
Oh, hey Arnold. What are you still doing here?
Arnold
There's something I gotta tell you. I'm quitting the play.
Eugene
Quitting the play?!? But we open tomorrow night!
Arnold
I can't go through with it. I can't go up there and watch you get hit by that trolley again.
Eugene
But Arnold, what about the first 77 pages? They're really great.
Arnold
I know but it's the ending that really counts. I thought I'd get used to Mr. Leichliter's rewrite but the truth is it's just too mean.
Eugene
You're right, Arnold, you're absolutely right. (hitting the piano on his elbows) I should be ashamed of myself forever agreeing to go along with it in the first place.
Arnold
You were just being optimistic. It's exactly what "Eugene, Eugene!" would have done, Eugene.
Eugene
If only there was a solution, a way to fix the play (playing the piano) but I guess it's just too late. (smiling) Or is it?
Arnold
Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
Eugene
C'mon, Arnold, we've got a lot of practicing to do!

Scene 8: Woodrow Wilson's Auditorium

Mr. Leichliter
Good evening, welcome all to my adaptation of the award winning musical, "Eugene, Eugene!". I think you'll find it enjoyable and perhaps even painfully truthful.

(Everyone in the audience claps.)

(to her Betty locket sadly) Oh, Betty, if only you knew how painful.

(The curtain rises up.)

Chorus
Eugene! Eugene!
Eugene! Eugene!
Who's the pluckiest, life is duckiest
Gosh darn unluckiest, watch out for that truckiest
Fellow you've ever seen?
Eugene! Eugene!

(Helga on the top area puts a can of red paint above the stage.)

Helga
This is gonna be so perfect. I'll raise this paint can so it dumps right on Arnold during their fancy paston dukes. (laughs)
Chorus
Who's the jolliest, trip and falliest
By gosh, by golliest, watch out for that trolleyest
Fellow who's ever been?
Eugene! Eugene!
Eugene! Eugene Eugene!

(The curtain lowers down and everyone claps.)

Arnold
(as Lawrence) Oh, Eugene, the only way Betty to love a buffoon like me is in your dreams.

(Arnold as Lawrence hits Eugene with his cane and laughs. Eugene falls down and gives a thumbs up.)

Lila
(as Betty) Oh, Eugene, let me help with you.
Arnold
How many times have I told you, Betty? There's no helping a loser like Eugene. (leaves with Lila)
Eugene
(standing up) Well, you know what they say.

(singing while juggling lemons) When life gives you lemons, dance!

Dance like there's a muskrat in your pants:When you're caught in a downpour
With nothing to live for
Strike your most spirited stance...
And dance! Dance!! Dance!!!

(falls in the piano while everyone gasps.) I'm OK! (jumps back up on stage)

(Everyone claps and cheers.)

Well, Arnold, this is it, the moment of truth.

Arnold
Let's do it.
Lila
Whatever are you boys whispering about?
Arnold
You'll see. Oh, and Lila, whatever happens out there, just go with it, OK? (winks in the eye)
Lila
Alright, Arnold, if you say so.

(later)

I'm sorry, Eugene, I think you're a really small guy and all but I just can't be with you.

Arnold
Because she's with me! Now for the last time, get lost. (closes the door)
Eugene
Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to give up and leave town.

(Everyone in the audience gasps while staring at Eugene and Eugene sees a trolley going to hit him but misses.)

I'm OK!

(Eugene swings on the lamp post.)

Mr. Leichliter
(shocked) What was that?!?

(Eugene knocks over the door and grabs Lila.)

Lila
Well gosh, what's going on?
Eugene
(holding a newspaper) Didn't you read the headline?
Lila
(reading the newspaper) "Oh, Eugene, I've finally realized that Lawrence is pushy and cruel. It's you that I love, you and only you."

(Eugene spins Lila around and kisses.)

Arnold
Curses, foiled again!
Mr. Leichliter
(looking over the script) The brat has restored the original ending! (smacks forehead) My play is ruined!
Helga
Wait a minute, Arnold isn't going to get the girl. Eugene is?!? I've got to stop that bucket!

(Helga runs but trips on the rope and the red paint bucket lands on her.)

Eugene (singing)

So keep your chin in the air
A spring in your step
Keep a-walkin' with flair
Chock full o' pep
Despite all the odds
Just pump up those clogs
Keep your sunny side up!
Mr. Leichliter
Wait a minute, they love him!

Chorus

Greet the world with a grin!

Eugene

Keep the blues in a jar!

Chorus

Keep your sunny side up!

Eugene

You're gonna go far!

Chorus

Who cares if your day
is foggy and gray?
Keep your sunny side — keep your funny side

Eugene

Keep your sunny side up!

(Everyone, including Helga who is covered in paint, Phoebe and Mr. Leichliter clap.)

Betty
Leichliter?
Mr. Leichliter
Betty?
Betty
Oh, Leichliter, it's you that I love, you and only you.

(Eugene falls over and the set collapses.)

Eugene
I'm okay! (being hit by the moon prop)

(The curtains lowers down while everyone claps. The music for "When Life Gives You Lemons" and the credits begin.)

Chorus

When life gives you lemons, dance!
Dance like there's a muskrat in your pants
When your toes are tappin'
Nothin' bad can happen
When life gives you lemons, dance!
When they kick you in the rear don't miss your chance
Dance like your pants are full of ants!
When you're caught in a downpour
With nothing to live for
Strike your most spirited stance...

Boys

And dance...

Girls

(let 'em know your life is sweet!)

Boys

Dance...

Girls

(till the juice gets on your feet!)

Chorus

You can breakdance, or tango,
or frug, or fandango,
or hula, But don't miss your chance!!
When life give you lemons...
Dance!
Dance!!
Dance!!!

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