False Alarm/Transcript

The setting is at PS 118, it's just after lunch time, and we see a mysterious hand covered with peanut butter pull a fire alarm in the hallway, and drop a pencil. The kids gasp in fright because of the loudness of the bells and the thought of a fire.

Sid

Fire! Fire!

(Kids are screaming, running out of the school.)

Principal Wartz

Stop, stop, it's a false alarm! Wait until I get my hands on the kid who pulled the alarm...

(Wartz quickly walks back into the building, fingers the peanut butter on the pull station, and tastes it. We then see him follow footprints leading into the Janitor's closet where we find Eugene hiding and grinning embarrassedly. The scene changes to the cafeteria where it's a mock courtroom. Principal Wartz is the judge banging a gavel.)

Principal Wartz

Eugene Horowitz, you've been found guilty for the pulling of the fire alarm, a most serious offense.

Eugene

But I didn't do it. (The kids snicker; Helga cackles the loudest and makes a slashing motion on her throat.)

Stinky

What my client is trying to say is, he didn't do it, your honor.

Principal Wartz

Now according to the bylaws of this school district, you can only be be expelled after being found guilty by a jury of your school peers.

Stinky

(whispering to Eugene) Face it, Eugene. You're going to fry.

Eugene

But I didn't do it. (Kids keep laughing.) Bye, Eagle scouts. (Eugene puts his head down in shame.)

(Cut to the outside of the school library. Inside, there's Arnold, Gerald, Harold, Helga, Curly, and Phoebe. They are taking a vote on if Eugene is guilty, or innocent.)

Helga

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty (reads a piece of paper) Fudgy nut-nut bar?

Harold

It's on the back Madam Fortress mommy!

Helga

Oh. Guilty, and not guilty?

(the kids figure out what's going on)

Phoebe

Helga, these notes are supposed to be private.

Helga

Yeah, right, Phoebe. Quit kidding around so that I can get out of here. I got tickets to Wrestlemania.

Harold

And I'm hungry!

(the kids are still figuring out what's going on)

Gerald

Huh? Not guilty?

Arnold

Phoebe didn't write not guilty. I did.

Helga

You? What for?

Harold

What'd ya do it for?

Arnold

Well I'm not convinced. He could be innocent.

Helga

Yeah, right. And little green things will probably fly out of my nose!

Arnold

I'm just saying I have reasonable doubt.

Helga

What?! You're kidding me. I'll never get out of here on time.

Arnold

What's more important, our petty little pleasures, or to see that our friend gets a fair trial? The least we could do is go over the evidence again. We owe it to Eugene.

(the kids Groan)

Helga

Fine. If the football head wants to go through the evidence, AGAIN, then we'll go through the evidence, AGAIN. But if I miss Wrestlemania, it's gonna be your butt! Harold you start.

Harold

But I'm hungry. (Helga goes into her lunchbox and takes out a banana).

Helga

Here's a banana. Get started.

Harold

OK... well, here's why it had to be Eugene. It was just after lunch and we was all coming out of the cafeteria. I remember, because I just finished my third pudding pack, and I'm not as hungry as I...

Helga

Get on with it, pink boy!

Harold

Oh, yeah right, ok. Anyway, according to the testifaction of Squeaky Peterson, just before the fire alarm was pulled, she "observified" Eugene... walking right by the fire alarm! It was at that moment that someone, unknown to the rest of us, but definitely not ME you guys, pulled Squeaky's right pigtail HARD, "detracting" her. And while Squeaky was "detracted," someone pulled the fire alarm! And who was right there? Who? WHO?! No one else but -- (eats banana, but then chokes)

Helga

Out of the way! I'm a certified CPU. (she gets the banana out of Harold by kicking his back and it whacks into Curly's face)

Harold

Ah, that's better.

Helga

What Monkey-boy was trying to say was that Eugene had the opportunity.

Arnold

So Eugene had the opportunity. So what, Helga? Lots of kids were there. They all had the same opportunity!

Helga

Well, how many kids head peanut butter smeared all over them? His hands were covered with it! So was the fire alarm!

Arnold

Peanut butter is not the proof of anything.

Helga

What about the glasses, the footprints?

Arnold

Slow down! Let's look at all the evidence, one thing at a time.

Helga

FINE! Who wants to talk about the evidence?

Phoebe

I believe I Took some notes.

Helga

Then Spill it, sister and make it snappy. It's not every day that my favorite wrestler gets beaten by Haystack Calhoun, and I'm not going to miss it.

Phoebe

I believe the peanut butter smeared on the fire alarm was of the same style, creamy, which Eugene usually eats. Although he testified that he has also enjoyed chunky on occasion, though usually when his mom was out of creamy, but we all agree --

Helga

Phoebe, while we're young, please! I'm surrounded

Phoebe

(sing-song voice) Hurrying. In addition to the peanut butter a pair of eyeglasses were found a few feet from the scene of the crime. A few minutes after the fire alarm, the students were allowed to reenter the building. It was at this point the eyeglasses in question were discovered by our classmate Sid.

Sid

(in flashback) Hey, these appear to be Eugene's. Look everybody, Eugene's glasses! Boy-howdy, Eugene is gonna fry!

Phoebe

Since the eyeglasses which have been positively found as Eugene's were discovered next to the fire alarm, and since it was a Tuesday and on Tuesdays Eugene HAS to wear his glasses...

Helga

GET TO THE FOOTPRINTS, BRAINIAC!

Phoebe

Footprints were found leading up to the fire alarm and leading to a nearby broom closet. They were of the same size and unusual make of Eugene's distinctive sandals. And finally, a pencil stub with the word "Wankyland" was found outside the broom closet. Therefore in conclusion, it...

Helga

Appears that Eugene is guity as sin! Come on Arnold, peanut butter on the fire alarm, glasses on the floor, footprints from some fancy sandals. Criminey, what more evidence do you need?

Gerald

Arnold she's right. I mean let's face it. Eugene was hiding in the broom closet.

Helga

Exactly! What Geraldo is trying to say is that Eugene was caught fleeing from the scene of the crime.

Gerald

Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it. (flashback accompanies his story) Now, I think after the above-mentioned heinous crime... (Eugene laughs in a strange voice) Eugene decided to hide in the broom closet, until all the kids ran past, but he accidentally locked himself in...

Eugene

(in flashback) Hello? Could somebody let me out?

Gerald

And THAT's where Principal Wartz found him about a minute later. (flashback ends') So therefore Arnold, we can conclude, that he's not exactly a criminal mastermind, but he DID get caught fleeing from the scene. He's guilty, man.

Arnold

So he was in a closet. We found Eugene in closets before. Look I'm just saying I still have reasonable doubt.

Helga

What? You got to be kidding me. There's still no evidence.

Arnold

Hey, this makes more sense than anybody else. OK, here's my version. (flashback begins) Maybe when he was eating lunch, somebody distracted Eugene from his peanut butter sandwich...

Weird Kid

Hey, Melvin.

Eugene

Who, me?

(A hand fingers some peanut butter from the sandwich.)

Arnold

Later, when he was coming back from lunch, he could've tripped like he does every other day. (Curly, with his face obscured, trips him and Eugene's glasses fall off.)

Eugene

I'm fine. (sees everything all blurry)

Curly

(disguised voice) Here, I'll help you!

Eugene

Thanks. Must've been a bump in the hallway. I lost my glasses and I can't see a thing without them.

Curly

No problem. (the alarm gets pulled, Eugene is shoved into the closet, and we see the hand drop the pencil, the flashback ends...)

Arnold

So you see, every piece of evidence could've been set up. But there's one piece of evidence that couldn't possibly have come from Eugene.

Helga

And what kind of evidence is that, football-head?

Arnold

The Wanky-Land pencil! (he stabs it in a chocolate bar and Curly breaks his own pecil) Everyone knows Eugene. He's been in more accidents this year alone than many of us combined. And everyone knows that Eugene was banned last fall from Wanky-Land when he tripped on the bandstand and caused the whole Thanksgiving Day parade to crash! Anyway, even though Eugene loves Wanky-Land, it's not likely he would have one of their pencils, since he hasn't been there since. So why would Eugene have a Wanky-land Pencil? Because someone planted it outside the broom closet with a motive to frame him, that's why. And who was that someone? Someone who hates Eugene Someone who has reason to harm him. Someone... (Echoing) Someone, someone --

Curly

OK OK I did it! I confess, I planted the peanut butter, I made the shoeprints, I left the glasses at the scene of the crime!

Arnold

But why, Curly?

Curly

Because 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days ago, Eugene had borrowed my favorite pencil. The pencil I got last summer at Wankyland - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene... Sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING!!! (Eugene laughs maniacally as he sharpens the pencil like a buzzsaw!) and when he finally returns it , he says "Oh here, Curly"... like it was no big deal! (screams like a girl) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I couldn't take it just lying down. I had to do something. So I got this plan, see -- the fire alarm. I'd pull it, and then I'd frame Eugene for the crime! All I needed to do was plant the right clues. The peanut butter, the glasses and to top it all off, the pencil! Bingo! He'd be branded for life! (laughs diabolically).

(the scene changes back into the Cafeteria/Courtroom)

Principal Wartz

In light of recent evidence and by request of the student jury, the court finds Eugene... innocent!

(the kids cheer)

Stinky

I never lost faith in you.

Gerald

You know, Arnold, most kids don't stand up to people like you did.

Arnold

I had to do it Gerald.

Gerald

you're a bold kid. (he and Arnold make their signature handshake).

Principal Wartz

So you admit you pulled the alarm?

Curly

(dementedly) Thaaat's riiiight! I DID IT!! I PULLED the FIRE ALARM!!! And I'd do it again too... see? (Curly laughs like a lunatic as we hear him pull the fire alarm stations and the alarm rings).

Principal Wartz

Stop that!

(the end)

Submitted by Andrew S. Huebner 14:50, October 7, 2009 (UTC)