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Cast, as credited

Arnold Phillip Van Dyke
Helga Francesca Marie Smith
Phoebe Anndi L. McAfee
Stinky Christopher P. Walberg
Inge Jane Carr
Big Bob Maurice LaMarche
Miriam Kath E. Soucie
Brainy Craig Bartlett

Patakis' kitchen

Big Bob
Here's your Big Slurp, kid. Oh, and Miriam, I got you some of those little chocolate donuts!
Miriam
What, who's coming?
Big Bob
You gotta eat something. Remember? You're starting your community service job down at the animal shelter today.
Miriam
I'll be—I'm just—ugh, I'm not good in the morning.
Big Bob
Come on, the fresh air will do you good. And Helga, since your mom's gonna be out of the house, I hired a nanny.
Helga
A nanny? Ha, I don't need a nanny, I can take care of myself!
Big Bob
Bologna, you're only seven!
Helga
I'm nine, dad.
Big Bob
Anyway, the gal's name is Inga Pearlmudder, she'll be here any minute.
Helga
What, are you trying to ruin my life?
Big Bob
Hey hey hey hey hey! Don't bust my chops; it'll be good for you.
(doorbell rings)
Big Bob
Ah, that must be her now. Morning, Inga. Well, gotta go pick up my lucky bill (?) before next week's clearance sale.
Inge
Good morning, everyone, I'm Inga. Oh, and you must be Helga!
Helga
No, she's Helga, and I'm Toulouse Lautrec.
Inga
Soda and chocolate donuts are not a proper breakfast. Here, I have brought you some homemade gooseberry jam and pumpernickel bread.
Helga
Yeah, yeah, great, but I already had breakfast, I'm all full.
Inga
Too much sugar makes children cranky; look, your face is cranky already. I'll put some jam on my homemade bread, and you will try it, and I am sure you will like it.
Helga
Mom, aren't you gonna do something?
Miriam
I just—I have to go. To work. Somewhere.
Helga
Fine. I'll eat your jam and bread and then I'm outta here.
Inga
And after that, you will get dressed for school.
Helga
What do you call this?
Inga
Your dress is not pressed, your shoes are not polished, and we must braid your hair.
Helga
Hey! Lady! This is how I look! Everyday! I am not, going to school, looking like some kind of starched and pressed windup doll.

P.S. 118 hallway

Stinky
Why Helga you look just like the girl on the box of hot chocolate.
Helga
Ah put a sock in it Stinky, you think I don't know that? My nanny wouldn't let me out of the house until I changed.
Phoebe
You have a nanny now Helga?
Helga
Yeah, and she thinks she could just move into my house and start running my life. Well I've got news for her. Nobody runs Helga Pataki.
Arnold
Wow Helga. You've got flowers in your hair.
Helga
Yeah, you wanna make something of it football head?
Arnold
No, I was just thinking you look kinda nice.

Gerlad Field

Helga
Ok you big candy cane, let's see if you have the muster to swing the lumber!
Inga
Hey! I have been looking for you everywhere.
Stinky
She's pretty enough to be the queen of the cheese festival.
Helga
Don't bother me now, Edelweiss.
Inga
You should have come home first. It's time to have a nutritious snack and do your homework. And after dinner, I will teach you how to do needlepoint. It's very calming for nervous children.
Helga
I'm staying with my friends, and that's final!
Inga
Tomorrow you may see your friends after school. Will you come and have cake?

Helga's room

Helga
(by phone) No, I don't have to get used to her Phoebe. She's gonna be gone as soon as my dad gets a load of the stuff she made for dinner. — Ah it's some kind of foreign food. Dad's gonna blow his stack. He hates that stuff.

Patakis' dining room

Big Bob
I love this stuff. I haven't had potato dumplings this good since my Baba made it when I was a little boy. I'ma have to put another notch in my lucky belt Inga.
Helga
Great. Just great.
Inga
Helga you haven't touched your potato dumpling. Is there something wrong?
Helga
Yeah, it stinks.
Big Bob
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You watch your mouth missy.
Inga
You haven't asked to be excused Helga.
Helga
Can I be excused? MOM?
Miriam
Uh, yeah, whatever.
Helga
Thanks, Mom. I'm outta here.
Inga
You must show respect Helga. Curtsy for your father.
Helga
All hail the Beeper King.
Inga
Helga!

Park

Helga
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!
Phoebe
Look on the bright side Helga. Inga has many admirable qualities. You could learn a lot from her.
Helga
What are you nuts?
Arnold
Wow Inga. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're the most amazing woman I ever met.
Helga
That tears it!
Phoebe
I don't know why you're so hard on Inga. I'm sure she makes mistakes like everyone else.
Helga
Not enough of them.

Patakis' trophy room

Helga
Oh no! What a mess! This is terrible!
Inga
What happened child?
Helga
You know that welcome wreath they're making for the front door? Well I was using your wood glue, totally unsupervised and I spilled a whole jar on dad's chair by accident, and he's gonna be home any minute!
Inga
Thank goodness that's all it is! I was afraid you were hurt.
Helga
You're not — upset?
Inga
No. I know how to remove stains from anything. Your father's chair will be perfect again in no time.

Patakis' kitchen

Helga
Another 20 minutes, and it'll be burnt to a crisp.

Patakis' kitchen, 20 minutes later

Helga
Oof, looks like dinner's ruined. You know, I really don't mind getting cereal for dinner, but dad's gonna hit the roof.
Inga
Oh, I have prepared several emergency dinners for just such occasions. We eat in no time.

Patakis' laundry

Helga
This tablecloth is really delicate. Hmmm... That will shred it like cheese through a grater. Ha!

Patakis' trophy room

Helga
Wow! I guess you ruined Mom's antique tablecloth — bad day, huh?
Inga
Yes, I seem to have a little raincloud following me everywhere.
Helga
Tough luck. Might as well throw it out.
Inga
No, there's always a way to rescue these things.
Helga
I've been thinking too small. It's time to think big. What if she loses something really valuable? No. What if it happens, to disappear? Ahahahaha.

Big Bob's room; Inga's room

Helga
This is perfect. Dad's lucky belt with the diamond buckle. He'll be looking all over for it tomorrow. He never starts a clearance sale without it.

Patakis' kitchen

Big Bob
Where in creation is my lucky belt?! I have a clearance sale today. I need that belt!
Helga
Ooh, you mean your lucky belt with the diamond buckle is missing?
Big Bob
I can't start slashing prices without it!
Helga
This is terrible! We're going to be poor! Say dad, isn't it strange your belt's never been missing before. Only, since Inga starting working here.
Big Bob
What're you driving at?
Helga
You said you looked everywhere. Did you look in Inga's bedroom?

Patakis' entrance hall

Big Bob
I trusted you. I let you into my house. My castle! For crying out loud, why would you rip me off?!
Inga
Mr. Bob I have done no such thing. When you come to your senses, you will realize this has all been a terrible mistake. Isn't that true Helga? A mistake was made.
Helga
I trusted you Nanny Inga.
Big Bob
The only mistake around here was me hiring you little lady. Now, get your streudeling fanny outta my house.
Inga
Fine, I will go now.
Big Bob
Sayonara fräulein!

P.S. 118 playground

Stinky
Your sandwich looks mighty pretty Helga. Inga makes a real nice presentation.
Helga
Here it's yours but don't get used to it. My dad fired her this morning.
Arnold
Fired her?
Phoebe
Inga seemed highly qualified at her job.
Helga
Yeah well my dad found his lucky belt under her bed this morning, and STEALING qualifies you for getting fired.
Arnold
I can't believe Inga would steal!
Helga
Don't be ridiculous, of course Miss Goody Two-Shoes didn't steal the belt. I had to get rid of her somehow, so I took it.
Phoebe
You set her up on purpose?
Arnold
I can't believe you'd do something that mean.
Helga
Hey... she was ruining my life!

Patakis' kitchen

Big Bob
You call this stuff coleslaw?
Helga
I can't eat anymore of this.
Big Bob
Eh, clear your plate.
Helga
There's no more room in the sink.
Big Bob
You know, I kinda miss old Inga. She had this place running like a Swiss watch: the food was great, my shirts looked brand spanking new, and she always had a smile on her face. Who'da thought a gal like that would be a common thief?
Helga
Yeah, well, forget about her dad. She wasn't that great, anyway she's probably already working for somebody else.

Helga's dream

Helga
What is this place? Feel like I'm in some sort of painting or something. Hi Inga, what're you doing in the park?
Inga
I'm here everyday now. I have nowhere else to go.
Helga
You don't have a job?
Inga
No one will hire a common thief.
Helga
What do you do for food?
Inga
I get by. It's mine! Mine I tell you! Get away you dirty bird!

Helga's room

Helga
(Screaming) Why do I keep having this dream?! I can't take it anymore! I-I know, I'll just go to the park tomorrow, and Inga won't be there, it'll all be ok.

Park

Helga
Oh no! Just like in my dream! Don't panic Helga, it's probably just a coincidence. So, Inga, did you find another job?
Inga
No Helga, there is no job in my future.
Helga
I can't stand it! I've gotta tell you — I know how dad's lucky belt got under your bed.
Inga
We both know Helga. You put it there to make trouble for me.
Helga
I had to do something! You were making me miserable!
Inga
There is no excuse for what you did. And you must face the consequences.
Helga
What consequences? I got away with it, didn't I?!
Inga
You're such an angry girl Helga, and you won't let anyone help you, so you must live with your unhappiness.

Patakis' residence

Big Bob
What do you mean the TV's broke?! I gotta watch my new beeper commercial Miriam! What is it about this house anyway?! Everything's always going wrong at the worst possible time!

Helga's room

Inga
(in a letter) Dear Helga, it is wonderful to be back in the Alps. I trust everything in your house is the same as always. Inga.

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