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Arnold

I know, Grandpa. "Don't go in there for a while."

Grandpa

(tossing Arnold's hair) Ho ho! Ya know me so well, short man.

Arnold

Did you wash your hands?
(Timpani shot.)

Grandpa

I knew I forgot somethin'. (walks back in)

Grandpa

(referring to Arnold's parents) Oh, I'm sorry, Arnold. I miss them, too. But I'm glad you get to see them even if it's only in a dream. Oh, but it's better than the nightmare I keep havin'. I live in a rundown old boarding house, renting my rooms to a bunch o' weirdos who always want things from me.

Mr. Hyunh

A pig eating bacon? It's very creepy.

Gerald

Hey, Arnold, ready for the best day of school?

Arnold

The best day, Gerald?

Gerald

Yeah. Today's the last day of school. Therefore, by my calculations...

Arnold

It's the best day.

Arnold

San Lorenzo? The San Lorenzo?

Harold

Is that the new Mexican restaurant?

Stinky

Naw. That place has been there a while.

Mr. Simmons

Close, Stinky. It's a beautiful, proud republic to our south. This is where we'll go if we win the contest.

Harold

To a Mexican restaurant!

Gerald

(repeated line) Mm-mm-mm!

Mr. Simmons

Never fear. I have every minute planned out for this trip. Getting anyone lost is definitely not on this agenda!

Grandpa

Mmm, you ever travel with a dozen kids before?

Arnold

I know this video wouldn't have happened without you, Gerald. I can't thank you enough!

Gerald

You should thank Helga. This was her idea. You should see all the videos she has of—

Helga

Of the things! Ha, around the city, amazing! Anyway, it's done. We're going to San Lorenzo.

Arnold

Wow! Thank you, Helga!
(Arnold puts his hand on Helga's shoulder, causing her to get a buzzing sensation and hear fireworks.)

Helga

(happily) Oh-ho! And I... have to go wash my socks!

Grandma

(holding a handmade blowpipe) Venture forth armed with this, Kimba.

Grandpa

Pookie! Arnold will never get a handmade blowpipe through security! Oh, and, uh... (rummaging through Arnold's drawer, takes out a stapler) Here, short man. Take this instead. It'll remind you of home.

Arnold

Um, thanks?

Mr. Simmons

Harold, why do ya have a deli platter?

Harold

My mom gave me this in case there's no food in San Lorenzo.

Mr. Simmons

There's plenty of food there, Harold. No platter necessary.

Harold

No platter?

Grandpa

Arnold, you're going to the jungle. So don't catch any tropical diseases like malaria, or diphtheria, or cholera, or yellow fever, or hookworm, or elephantitis, or leprocy, or tennis elbow...

Arnold

(yelps)

Grandpa

...or itchy armpits, or boom-boom fever, or Alder's neck rash!

Crewman

(to Grandma) Hey, crazy lady! Get outta my stair truck!

Grandma

(laughs dementedly)

Grandpa

...or Palmer's knee, or Borneo's disease, or... I don't know... athlete's foot!

Arnold

(off-screen) Y'know, I'm really gonna miss Grandma and Grandpa.

Rhonda

(gasps) My hair!

Nadine

You know what they say, Rhonda. "It's not the heat. It's the humidity."

Harold

Is there a toilet on this boat?!

Harold

I love buff-ets!

Helga

(gags) Time to feed the fish!

Harold

Hey! ¡Ocupado!

Arnold

This whole trip's been about one thing. I want to find my lost parents, but I feel like I'm about to put us all in—

Helga

Yeah, yeah, I know all about your parents. How do you feel about me?

Arnold

Huh?

Helga

You wouldn't even be here without me! Oh, Arnold, I may act like I don't care! I may even say I hate you, but that's a cover! I actually do care about you.

Arnold

Huh?

Helga

Oh don't play dumb, Arnold. You know what I'm talking about! You're like some weird old wise man, for crying out loud! I know you can handle the truth, and I can, too!

Arnold

What are you talking about!?

Helga

I'm talking about the fact that I really like you, Arnold, like thunder likes lightning, like faces like fists! You know, like-like! In fact, I lo—

Arnold

(gasps) There's a boat coming!

Mr. Simmons

Oh, dear, a pirate attack? Not on the agenda!

Olga

Fight hard, Che! (squeals) But don't hurt your runway-quality chiseled face!

Eugene

Is the habitat a short walk from here?

Eduardo

Oh, no. No, it's many, many... many miles... over rough trails.

Rhonda

Oh, that is such bad news.

Eduardo

Through steep muddy jungle...

Rhonda

Ugh! Just got worse!

Eduardo

But then it smooths out...

Students

(gasp)

Eduardo

And becomes an enormous swamp.

Students

(groan)

Helga

We didn't sign up for this, Arnold, but you knew that already. Now we're literally up the river without a stinking paddle!

Eduardo

Um, eh... may I have your attention? There's been a misunderstanding, which I would like to correct. I am not Eduardo.
(He takes off his fake mustache to reveal...)

Lasombra

I am Lasombra!

Students

(gasp)

Lasombra

And you are now my prisoners!
(The gates close shut as Che drags Arnold away.)

Arnold

No!

Lasombra

And you will remain my prisoners until this football-headed boy shows me where to find the Corazón.

Arnold

How could you?

Lasombra

Easy, see? (playing with his fake mustache) Eduardo, Lasombra, Eduardo, Lasombra, Abraham Lincoln, Frida Kahlo. Easy.

Rhonda

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a question. Does this dump get Wi-Fi?

Lasombra

Yes.

Rhonda

(gasps)

Lasombra

But I'm not giving you the password.

Rhonda

You monster!

Lasombra

(beat) How did you guess? (to burly guard) Go change it to the other password! And don't forget to write it down this time!

Mr. Simmons

You've got Benedict, Arnold! Benedict Arnold was a general who defected to the other si—

Students

We know, Simmons!

Curly

Psst! Do you need an inside man? I can be the camp snitch. Wink.

Lasombra

Sorry, kid. You are too loco even for us villains.

Helga

Next chance I get, I'm knockin' that dingus, Arnold, into next week!

Helga

Oh, Arnold. You poor, tortured creature. Having known the depths of your despair, I wouldn't have left your side in your time of loneliness! If ever you needed my love, it's now, and you have it, forever and always. I must do anything, make any sacrifice, to help you find your parents! Oh, Arnold, you magnificent specimen! I'm coming for you!
(Helga reaches inside her shirt for her locket, before remembering what she did with it.)

Brainy

(wheezes) Uh, Helga?
(Brainy holds in his hands the locket, with the picture of Arnold restored.)

Helga

Brainy? Ohhh! I could hit you! (She kisses him instead) Mwah!
(Brainy just stands confused, but then gets out some pan pipes and dances merrily.)

Phoebe

See you on the other side... (kisses Gerald on the cheek) ...handsome.

Arnold

(taking out stapler) Grandpa said this would come in handy.
(Arnold successfully snatches the keys from the guard's hand and replaces it with the stapler. He unlocks the door with ease. Suddenly the guard wakes up.)

Flunky Guard

Oh, what? What are you—? Why are you—?
(Helga knocks the guard out with the stapler.)

Helga

Grandpa was right, Football Head.

Helga

Ah! Well, now that you dragged us to stinkin' San Nowhere-zo, how do we find these Green-Eyes?

Arnold

Don't worry. I've got a map, and according to my dad's journal, the Green-Eyes live somewhere around here. (points to the area labeled "Unknown") Come on!

Helga

Cute. He's got a map.

Big Bob

Beepers are freaking out. I don't get it. What does—What does "505-808" mean?

Miriam

Oh, that's beeper code for "SOS, Bob." "SOS" means "help".

Big Bob

I know what "SOS" means, but who would want my help now, Miriam?

Miriam

Aren't the girls on a field trip?

Big Bob and Miriam

(gasp) Olga!
(They run out of the store and into Bob's Hummer.)

Miriam

Oh, and the other one!

Big Bob

Oh, right, right, Helga!

Grandpa

Abner?!

Abner

(desperate squeal)

Grandpa

How in the Toledo did you get here?

Grandma

Oh, my! W-W-What happened?

Abner

(squealing)
(Flashback revealing Abner diving out of the boat.)

Grandma

What?

Abner

(continues grunting)
(In the flashback, Abner swims to shore, only to be pursued by a water snake.)

Grandma

No!

Abner

(continues grunting)

Grandma

(gasps) No!
(In flashback, Baner takes a ride with a bunch of bandits.)

Abner

(squeals)

Grandma

Are you kidding me?!

Abner

(continues grunting)
(In flashback, in a Tom and Jerry-esque fashion, the snake hitches onto the back spare tire of the bandits' Jeep.)

Grandma

There's no way that happened.

Abner

(continues grunting)
(In the flashback, Abner leaps onto the wheel of a plane, still being chased by the snake, which also latches onto the wheel.)

Grandma

Oh, my stars!

Abner

(continues grunting)

Grandma

Well, you are blowing my mind!

Abner

(continues grunting)
(In the flashback, Abner is seen riding first class, being offered a shrimp cocktail.)

Grandma

Well, then what—

Abner

(continues grunting)

Grandma

Oh, what?

Abner

(continues grunting)
(Somehow, the snake is seen riding coach. Back to Sunset Arms.)

Grandma

They serve shrimp cocktail in first class?

Grandpa

Ya came all the way to tell us about shrimp cocktail?

(Wipe to reveal the Hummer pulling up to a fancy small plane.)

Grandpa

Wow! Fancy plane! The beeper business must be booming!

Big Bob

Oh. No, that's not us. This is.
(Pan right to reveal a run-down old plane with the words "Rent Me" on the wing.)

Abner

(squeals)

Arnold

Good thinking, Helga! You're brilliant!

Helga

(lovingly) Oh! (back to mean) Well, at least one of us can read!

Helga

Did I say it was okay to touch me?!

Lasombra

(to Pirate #2) Please. You first.

Pirate #2

No, Jefe! You first.

Lasombra

No, no, no, I insist. (draws a sword threateningly) You first.
(The pirate steps and falls through.)

Pirate #2

Shouldn't have gone first!!!

Gerald

Mm-mm-mm. Arnold, this statue sure looks a lot like you.

Helga

Hmm. I gotta say, it's not half-bad. I've seen better.

Mr. Simmons

Class, with a little ingenuity, we can transform tragedy into a teachable moment.
(Pull out to reveal he is literally teaching a class full of monkeys.)

Mr. Simmons

Okay, class, listening ears!
(The guards laugh at the unhinged teacher.)

Phoebe

Well, so much for adult supervision.

Sid

Air guitar!

Harold

Look at me! I'm a distraction!

Phoebe (voiceover)

Next, unleash the Curly!

Curly

FREE THE ANIMALS IN THE ZOO!!!

Grandma

(parachuting down) Geronimo!

Grandpa

Sacagawea!

Big Bob

Gesundheit!

Olga

Oh, Daddy, that boy was mean to me!
(Bob rages and attacks Che.)

Big Bob

You and me are gonna go round and round!

Eugene

I'm like the big ball in that movie!

Green-Eyed children

Arnold...

Helga

Yeah, yeah. (imitating the children) "Arnold..." We get it!

Gerald

Do you notice anything strange about this place? There are no grownups here.

Helga

That's the weird part?!

Arnold

Please, can you help us?

Helga

(aside, to Gerald) You don't suppose she hablas inglés?

Gerald

I got this. Hey, girl. How's it goin'?

(The Girl Queen walks right by Gerald and takes Arnold's hand.)

Helga

What the-?

Gerald

Man, why can't I ever be the chosen one?

Girl Queen

Parqa main kukui, Lasombra!

Lasombra

So you've heard of me. How flattering. Well, I am infamous.

Helga

Where are our friends?

Lasombra

(taking the treasure) Ah, don't worry. My guards are keeping an eye on them. Speaking of which, who is guarding this place? Wait. You are all children.

Helga

Uh, doi! Welcome to five minutes ago!

Arnold

No! You can't take their things!

Lasombra

You're right. Why take anything when I could bring people here and sell it to them? I could charge admission! I can see it now: "Hidden-City Land." (gets knifed in the back) Ow! How dare you? Ah! (gets bombarded by the kids) You meddling— You don't understand capitalism!

Gerald

I want to unsee that!

Arnold

Eduardo! It's really you?

Eduardo

Hello, my—

Helga

Wait! Not another "Eduardo!" "Your parents' trusted friend with a mustache?" Ha! I've heard that before! Why should we trust him?

Eduardo

You are welcome to climb back down.

Lasombra

So, you finally caught up to us, Eduardo! You call that a mustache?

Eduardo

(sighs) He died the way he lived. Full of poison.

--- Gerald

One question? How are we gonna get back over there?

Eduardo

Um, I prefer the stone bridge myself.
(Pan left to reveal a stone bridge.)

Gerald

Well, all right, then.

Arnold

(gasps) Dad? Mom? It's me.

Helga

Arnold...

Arnold

Are they...

Eduardo

No, no. It's the sleeping sickness, from over nine years ago.

Arnold

Helga, what are you doing?

Helga

This must be it! You were supposed to put the heart of gold here, and then, well, something would happen. I'm not a scientist.

Helga

I... might have something that would work. (reveals her locket) It's, uh, a heart. I think it could fit. This is just gold-plated. It's not a very pure heart.

Arnold

I don't know. I think your heart... is more pure than you know.

Helga

You are such a football head.

Miles and Stella

Hey... Arnold.

Stella

Looks like you finished the work we started, Arnold.

Miles

I'm so proud of you, son.

Gerald

Mm-mm-mm, now I've seen everything!

Arnold

Hey, Helga.

Helga

Ah! Hey, Arnold.
(The arrow Helga was using drops and she kicks it away.)

Arnold

Helga, I've known you my whole life practically, and you've always been angry and... and kinda... y'know, mean.

Helga

Yeah! So?

Arnold

But... I've also seen you be really loyal and super brave. So I always wondered if maybe you were mean to me because... well, you loved me?

Helga

Love? You? Well, yeah, sure, I mean, like I love a root canal! Haha!

Arnold

Listen, I know you tried to tell me before, and I wasn't ready to hear it. But now, this whole thing: the trip to San Lorenzo, getting away from Lasombra, finding my parents... it's all 'cause of you. Your locket.

Helga

Locket? What locket?
(The locket falls out of the wheel.)

Arnold

Your locket. It woke up my parents. You did it all just to help me, and... and...
(Arnold holds Helga's hands and kisses her. Helga's foot lifts up into the air.)

Gerald

Mm-mm-mmm!
(Arnold and Helga pull away from each other as Helga whistles innocently.)

Gerald

Okay. Now I've seen everything!

Miles

Breakfast is served! Eggs in a basket!

Grandma

Don't you mean toad-in-a-hole?

Stella

We call it eggs in a basket.

Ernie

Finally, someone with some sense around here!

Grandpa

No disrespect, but you've both been asleep for ten years. What do you know about breakfast?

Arnold

(laughs) Mom! Dad! You're really back!

Miles and Stella

Hey, Arnold!

Miles

Were you having that same dream again where you never found us?

Arnold

Yeah, the same dream I've been having all summer.

Stella

It's no dream, Arnold. You really came and rescued us, and now we're really back home with you. What do you say we go on an adventure today? I read that the city botanical gardens has a new rainforest exhibit.

Arnold

Sounds great, but... it's actually the first day of school.

Stella

Oh, of course! We knew that.

Miles

Sure. We're hip.

Grandma

Who is that cute little blonde boy?

Gerald

Well, Arnold, you ready for the worst day of school?

Arnold

You mean the first day of school?

Gerald

That's what I said.

Arnold

Come on, Gerald, look at the bright side. We're in sixth grade now. How bad could it be?

Miles and Stella

Hey Arnold!

Stella

Can we walk with you to school?

Miles

Yeah, we already miss you!

Arnold

(laughs) Sure, Mom and Dad!

Mr. Simmons

I still have a job!

(final lines)

Miles

When will you be done?
(The school bell rings.)

Arnold

Uh, 3:30.

Stella

We'll be waiting right here.
(Arnold walks into the school and the doors close on Miles and Stella.)

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