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< New Teacher

Credits

Written By: Joseph Purdy

Music By: Jim Lang

Directed By: Dan Povenmire

Cast, as Credited

Arnold Phillip Van Dyke

Helga

Francesca Marie Smith
Gerald Jamil W. Smith
Mr. Simmons Dan Butler
Harold Justin Shenkarow
Stinky Christopher P. Walberg
Curly Adam Wylie
Phoebe Anndi L. McAfee
Rhonda Olivia Hack
Nadine Lauren Robinson
Sheena Francesca Marie Smith
Brainy Craig Bartlett
Principal Wartz David Wohl
Lieutenant Major Goose John Garry II

Transcript

(It is a sunny morning at P.S. 118. The morning bell rings, but instead of Ms. Slovak coming into the class to teach, Principal Wartz comes in to make an announcement.)

Principal Wartz

Now class, I have a very imporatant announcement. Your teacher, Ms. Slovak, has left the teaching profession to pursue her dream to be a professional golfer. Hence, she will no longer be your teacher.

(The class gets up and cheers loudly.Wartz erases Ms. Slovak's name from the board.)

I expect all of you to be couteous, kind, and cooperative toward your new teacher. Mr. Simmons.

(Wartz writes Mr. Simmons on the board. Mr. Simmons enters the classroom.)

Mr. Simmons

Helloooo class!

Entire Class

(Unenthusiastically) Hello Mr. Simmons

Mr. Simmons

I bet you all have your own, individual way of saying..hello!

(The class sighs)

When I say "Hello class", everyone respond in your own individual way..Hello class!

(The class is completley silent.)

Well, that's one way to respond by not responding, Silence often speaks volumes.

Principal Wartz

Ah, music to my ears.

(Principal Wartz walks over to the door, opens it and walks out of the classrom.)

Mr. Simmons

Okay, first, I'd like to play with the structure of this classroom. Let's break free and move the desks into one big circle.

(The camera fades out. When it fades back in, the desks are arranged in on big circle in the middle of the room. Mr. Simmons is standing in the middle teaching.)

I love getting to know a new class, so I thought we could break the ice by doing a communications exercise. This, (The class sighs. Mr.Simmons reaches down and picks up a crown.) is the Truth Crown.

(The class looks amazed.)

Whoever is wearing it has to look across the circle, and tell that person one thing they like about him or her.

(Mr. Simmons puts the crown on Helga.)

One thing you like about...(Helga looks across the circle and sees Arnold.)

Arnold

Arnold.

Helga

(She is nervous and surprised that Arnold is across the circle. Arnold looks across the circle smiling at her.)

Th..The truth about Arnold?... Ugh.. Well

(Arnold continues smiling. Helga slams her hands on her desk.)

I don't like his stupid football head!

(The whole class starts laughing.)

Mr. Simmons

No,no,no..no that wasn't the idea of this exercise.

(Mr. Simmons puts his face to his palm.)


(It is after school of the same day. Most of the kids from the class are hanging out in the school playground by the monkey bars.)

Helga

Form desks into a circle,wear a truth crown, what is this some kind of a wacky cult?

Curly

(Curly hangs down from the monky bars in front of Helga)

We have to get this guy!

Helga

(Helga folds her arms)

All the usual tricks?

Gerald

All the usual tricks!

(Helga arranges some of the kids in a circle as if she was a football coach calling a play.)

Helga

Okay, drop pencils at 11:30, switch names, random coughing. Curly! You fake violent illness.

Curly

Got it!

Helga

Stinky, you pretend not to understand English!

Stinky

Right!

(Helga puts her fist in the middle of the circle.)

Helga

Everyone know the drill?

(All of the kids put their hands on top of Helga's.)

Curly

Absolutley!

Phoebe

Affirmative!

Gerald

Alright!

Helga

Let's get him.

(The kids all cheer loudly)


(It is the next morning in class. Mr. Simmons is starting another lecture. He is standing in the center of the circle.)

Mr. Simmons

Class, I want to start by telling you my two main beliefs about teaching. (Helga pretends to yawn and points at the clock to let the class know that it is time to start playing pranks.) Number 1, in my class, each person is a unique individual. (The class gets their pencils ready to drop them all at the same time.) And the things they do, good or bad, they do because that's who they are

(The class drops their pencils)

Ah, the pencil dropping ploy.Oh it takes me back to when I was a kid.

Stinky

Could you repeat that, for I don't understand English?

(Helga laughs, Mr. Simmons walks over to her.)

Mr. Simmons

What's your name?

Helga

Harold!

Harold

What?

Helga

(To Harold)

Quiet Helga!

Mr.Simmons

Harold?

Helga and Harold

Yes.

Mr. Simmons

Now have you two switched names in order to confuse me?

Harold

Slow down, I'm confused.

Mr. Simmons

No..now I'm glad to see the tradition of messing with the teachers head is alive and well.

(The whole class begins coughing.)

Okay, I'm not going to get upset by all of this coughing, because that is who I am. And I accept that you all have to do your coughing prank because that's who you are. My second teaching rule. My students should never stop asking why? Why Why? All through your life you should never stop questioning. Because that is how you learn.

Harold

(Bangs on his desk making fun of Mr. Simmons)

WHY! WHY! WHY! (Laughs)

Helga

(To Phoebe)

This guys a real throw pillow.

(Mr. Simmons takes a poetry book out of his bookbag)

Mr. Simmons

Now, I thought we would take up where you left off on your poetry lesson.

(The class sighs)

Harold

I know a poem (Harold stands up) There once was a man from Nantucket (Mr. Simmons cuts him off.)

Mr. Simmons

That's fine, have a seat. You see the poetry I like is, experimental. Doesn't have the rhyme kind of stuff. Like this famous poem by Walter Charles Walter. The poem is called, They Were Delicious

(Mr. Simmons begins reciting the poem)

"I have eaten the tomatoes, that were on the window sill (Harold steals Mr. Simmons' lunch and starts eating it.)

Were you saving them for a special occasion, I apologize, they were delicious. (Harold finishes the sandwich)

So juicy, so red"

Helga

That's not a poem it's just a long sentence!

Mr. Simmons

Now why don't each of you take out a piece of paper and write a poem that comes from, well, you.

Harold

Aww. Forget it! (He waves his hand at Mr. Simmons)

Helga

Who needs poetry? your touchy feely teaching method is bogus!

(The entire class begins banging on their desk rhythmically and chanting BOGUS! BOGUS! over and over again.)

Mr. Simmons

(To himself)

They can taunt me, they can play tricks on me, they can laugh at me but nothing can hurt me because I am stronger than all of them. Plus I have my favorite sandwich, turkey and tomato on watercrust to look forward to.

(Mr. Simmons walks over to his lunchbag and becomes confused when he cannot find his lunch.)

Wh..Wheres my lunch? Has anyone seen the brown bag that was....

(Mr. Simmons turns towards Harold who is crumbling up the bag the sandwich came in. Mr. Simmons is distraught.)

This is inhuman!

(Mr. Simmons grabs his head)

Helga

(To Harold)

You broke him.

Mr. Simmons

You could have asked for some sandwich. I would have given you half.

(The class continues laughing at Mr. Simmons dilemma.)

Now, I'm happy to stay here if you're going to attempt to be a class of students. I ju..I just may leave if you continue acting like a mob of wild animals!

Helga

Let's continue to act like a mob of wild animals!

(The whole class gets up and runs out of the classroom toppling chairs and desks in the process. Only Arnold stays for a brief second at the doorway, feeling sorry that he has helped torture this poor man. He then leaves with the rest of the class out the main school doors.)

Well we did it! We won't be seeing that gronola boy Simmons in these parts ever again.

Stinky

We broke that teacher like he was an old hickory stick.

(Gerald comes sliding down the stair rail)

Gerald

Yeah, and tomorrow we'll get another sap!

(The kids all walk away)

(It is 8 o' clock the next morning as the school bell rings. Mr. Simmons is no longer the class teacher. Principal Wartz is once again in the room to make an announcement.)

Principal Wartz

I think I have the right solution to this class's discipline problem. Your new permanent teacher is...Mr. Goose! (The entire class laughs at the name Goose)

Actually, I should say..Lieutenant Major Goose.

(The door opens and a huge muscular man dressed in an army outfit enters. The whole class gasps. Goose walks behind the front desk and stands facing the class with his arms behind his back.)

Goose

I'll have complete control over this unit by 0 ten hundred hours!


(It is later that day, Goose is lecturing the class. He is walking back and forth behind the teachers desk. The desks are arranged back into rows.)

You will all act as one unit! Unless I address you by name

(Goose slams his hands on the teachers desk.)

IS THAT CLEAR!

(Curly decided to play a prank on Goose by dropping a pencil off of the side of his desk, smiling the whole time. Goose walks back to where he is sitting)

Who deployed that pencil! That was a calculated act! SINCE THE FOREIGN OBJECT IS UNDER YOUR DESK I ASSUME YOU ARE THE ENEMY!! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Curly

Curly!

Goose

(Slams his hands on Curly's desk)

YOUR HAIR'S NOR CURLY BOY! WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME!

Curly

Thaddeus.

Goose

(Goose takes a pause) CURLY! GO STAND IN THAT CORNER FACING INWARD!

(Curly gets up to go to his corner. Helga laughs at Curly.)

You've earned yourself a corner little lady.

(Harold laughs at Helga)

And so have you pally! MOVE MOVE MOVE!

(All of the children go to their corners. Goose points to Stinky.)

You! The remaining corner NOW!

Stinky

Why?

Goose

Symmetry!

(Stinky goes to his corner.)

Now, any questions? Good!

(Goose picks up a teaching stick, there are 8s times tables written on the board. He begins lecturing)

Let's try it again!

(Goose moves his stick across the times tables as the class recites them. The class is forced to stand up.)

Class

Eight times three is twenty-four, Eight times four is Thirty-two.

Goose

I can't hear you!

Class

Eight times three is twenty-four, eight times four is thirty-two. eight times...

(The camera fades out.)


(It is the afternoon of that day. The class is hanging out in the schoolyard by the monkey bars.)

Gerald

This Goose is not a good man. Not a good man at all!

Phoebe

He seems utterly sadistic.

Gerald

What are we gonna do Arnold?

Arnold

I wish we could get Mr. Simmons back.

Helga

Oh please! Mr. Simmons, that touchy feely geek!

Arnold

At least he listened to us when we spoke.

Phoebe

He's innovative, responsible and bright.

Stinky

He taught us to ask why. Now that's an innovative brand of education.

Harold

Yeah!

(Harold walks over to the kids on the monkey bars.)

If only you guys hadn't been so mean to him.

Helga

You ate his sandwich and broke his spirit you moron!

(Helga steps into Harold' face)

Arnold

Listen, I've got a plan.


(The camera fades out. When it comes back in, the kids have taken the bus to Mr. Simmons house to speak with him. Mr. Simmons is sitting outside tending his garden.)

Helga

(Leaning over the yard rail)

Listen teach, bottom line, we want you back.

Mr. Simmons

Well I'm afraid that's not enough of a reason for me Helga....or should I say Harold. Good afternoon.

(Mr. Simmons stands up and walks inside his house. He sighs while doing so)

Gerald

I wish we could just show Mr. Simmons that we can learn, and we're not just a pack of raving lunatics.

Arnold

Come'on guys, we've got work to do!

(The kids all rush down the street.)


(It is later that afternoon, the class is backing pleading for Mr. Simmons to come out and speak with them. Harold yells "We got presents" and Mr. Simmons finally agrees to come outside.Mr. Simmons is sitting on his bench and the kids are all situated in a circle in front of him.)

Arnold

So why don't we start out with a free form poem?

Mr. Simmons

Alright.

Arnold

Gerald?

Gerald

Sid?

(Sid takes out a pair of bongos and starts drumming rhythmically. Gerald recites his poem. He clears his throat first.)

"I've seen the best minds of my generation, served up fastballs at the blacktop. Somebody yells, CAR!, and they scatter like so many leaves in october wind.

Then the bell rings and their sitting back in their class staring at a pop quiz."

(Everybody claps for Gerald. Stinky puts on a paper crown.)

Stinky

This is my truth crown. And what I like about you Mr. Simmons is your caring and giving nature.

(Harold walks up to Mr. Simmons with a paper bag.)

Harold

Mr. Simmons, I...I made you something.

Mr. Simmons

(He smiles)

For me?

Harold

It's a sandwich.

(Harold gives the sandwich to Mr. Simmons.)

Mr. Simmons

This is very touching.

(Mr. Simmons takes the bag from Harold and looks into it.)

A replacement sandwich. And more importantly it's a Harold Berman sandwich, because right between the turkey and the tomato is a little invisible layer of love.

(Harold smiles.)

Friends, your presentations have really moved me and, because of who I am.....I wanna come back and be your teacher.

(All of the kids cheer)

Helga

Wait a minute you bunch of chuckle heads! (Helga holds her finger up.) We have one very big obstable...Lieutenant Major Goose.

Phoebe

Well, we'll just have to deploy a strategic strike of our own!


(It is the next morning and the class is back with Lieutenant Major Goose in the class room. The words Math Quiz today are written on the board. Goose is standing behind the teacher's desk.)

Goose

Now you little bunch of ragtag fourth graders! I'm determined to make each and every one of you a socially acceptable human being!

(Gerald raises his hand.)

Gerald

Why?

Goose

Why what?

Gerald

Why are we ragtag?

Goose

You're undisciplined!

Arnold

Why do you have to yell all of the time?

Stinky

Why are your shoes always so shiny?

Helga

Why aren't you still in the army, did you go AWOL or something?

Goose

Sit down!

Gerald

Why did you decide to be a teacher?

(Goose begins to look nervous.)

Phoebe

Why don't you ever ask as what we think?

Goose

Enough questions!

Arnold

Why don't you treat us like individuals?

Stinky

Why are your pants ironed so nicely?

Gerald

Why don't you teach us anything?

Curly

Why do fools fall in love!?

Goose

Stop these questions!

Helga

And why are you starting to sweat Leiutenant Major?

Gerald

Why can't you handle all of our questions?

(Goose begins humming an army song.)

Stinky

Why are you humming that patriotic song?

(Goose collapses to the floor on his knees, bombarded by the classes questions. The entire class begins laughing at Goose. The camera switches to Goose's point of view for a few second, humurously showing the faces of the children almost animal like. After a few seconds, Principal Wartz enters the classroom and breaks Goose out of his trance.)

Principal Wartz

Why are yo doing this Mr. Goose? Is this part of the lesson plan?

(Goose stands at attention as if he was in the army.)

Goose

Sir, may I be relieved of my duties here sir!

Principal Wartz

Does this mean you're quitting?

Goose

(Goose salutes Principal Wartz.)

Sir! Yes, sir!

(Goose runs out of the classroom and down the hall screaming.)

EEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Principal Wartz

What am I going to do now?

Arnold

Ah, Principal Wartz. You don't have to look for another teacher. We've found the right one.

(Mr. Simmons walks into the room.)

Mr. Simmons

Hellooo class!

(The class cheers loudly.)

Now I know we had that scheduled math quiz, but schedules are for Lieutenant Majors.

(Mr. Simmons erases the words "math quiz today" from the board.)

Today, we're going to have some unscheduled learning. And what better way than to take a hike and have an outdoor picnic! What do you say?

(The entire class cheers.)

(The episode ends showing various snapshots of the class at their first trip with Mr. Simmons. They show up on the bulletin board. The camera fades out.)


End

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