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City Bus[]

(On the bus, Harold hits Eugene with a spitball; in the back row, Arnold shows Rhonda a box of cookies)

Rhonda

Prune cookies? Are you kidding?

Arnold

My grandmother puts them in everything she bakes.

Stinky

Wheel-acres, Arnold. I reckon prunes' just about the nastiest cookie flavor around.

Phoebe

Actually, prunes are enjoyed the world over by people of all ages. And despite their rather unpleasant appearance, they're really quite tasty, not to mention an excellent source of iron and a wonderful implement of diterialation.

Arnold

Here Phoebe, why don't you just take them? (gives the cookies to Phoebe)

Phoebe

Don't mind if I do! The iron will give me energy when I accept my award this afternoon. (bites a cookie) Mmm, delicious!

P.S. 118[]

(In the hallway, Phoebe eats some cookies and looks at the box)

Phoebe

I guess I was really hungry. (throws the box away and feels her stomach gurgle) Oh, gosh!

(Later in the auditorium)

Principal Wartz

(clears throat) Boys and girls. Your attention please, boys and girls. (gets hit by a paper airplane; he then causes feedback, getting everyone's attention) Now students, please join me in congratulating the recipient of this month's excellence in attendance award for the 36th month in a row, I give you P.S. 118's own, Phoebe Heyerdahl! (everyone claps and cheers)

Phoebe

Thank you, Principal Wartz. And thanks to all of you. After all, it isn't just my passion for knowledge and my superior dedication that keeps me dutifully coming back to P.S. 118 each and every day. It's also the kind, nurturing environment created by wonderful friends and peers. (everyone claps, and as Phoebe bows she inadvertently lets one rip into the microphone, leaving everyone surprised)

Harold

Phoebe... Phoebe just farted! (everyone starts to laugh)

Sid

Oh man, she cut the cheese!

Rhonda

Into a microphone of all things.

Harold

I'm gonna pee my pants!

Phoebe

But, but, I didn't do it! It wasn't me I swear! It was, it was my shoe!

Sid

Her shoe?

Harold

That's a good one!

(Everyone laughs while Phoebe gets embarrassed; she drops her microphone and runs out of the auditorium; Arnold follows)

Arnold

Phoebe, wait!

(outside the school)

Phoebe

Forget it, Arnold, I'm going home.

Arnold

What just happened? It's no big deal. I'm sure it happens all the time. In fact, I bet there's not one single person we know that doesn't have an embarrassing fart story.

Phoebe

Well, have you ever done it in public, Arnold? You know, (whispers) pass gas?

Arnold

Not exactly, I mean, not into a microphone.

Phoebe

Then how can you possibly understand the utter humiliation of what I just experienced?

Arnold

Look Phoebe, I know things seem really bad right now, but trust me. By tomorrow everyone will have forgotten all about what just happened.

Phoebe

Really?

Arnold

I'm positive.

Phoebe

Maybe you're right, Arnold. Perhaps by tomorrow everyone will have forgotten about my little, indiscretion.

(The next day, Phoebe walks around the hallway)

Phoebe

(sighs) So far so good. (she goes to get a drink of water from the fountain, and she hears a tooting noise behind her and sees Harold and the kids laughing at her)

Harold

Look everyone! It's the farter! You couldn't let another one rip for us today, Little Miss Fartypants? (As Harold finishes his sentence, he bends over and wiggles his butt at Phoebe. The kids are still laughing at Phoebe, and she runs off, embarrassed. Scene changes to the cafeteria)

Phoebe

I'll take the veggie puff, a slice of sourdough bread, and a portion of brussel sprouts, please.

Lunch Lady

Are you sure that's a good idea, Phoebe?

Phoebe

Pardon me?

Lunch Lady

You know, because of your little problem. Brussel sprouts are quite gassy.

Stinky

The lunch lady is right. You don't wanna be fluffering in front of everyone all over again.

Sid

Or dropping anymore of those stink bombs. (imitates an explosion to everyone's amusement and Phoebe's embarrassment; scene changes to Mr. Simmons' class)

Mr. Simmons

Now, who could come up to our beautiful and special chart of the human digestive trat and tell me which organ is the small intensine and which is the colin? How about you, Rhonda?

Rhonda

Gosh, Mr. Simmons, maybe you oughta ask Phoebe instead, you know, since she's the digestion expert? (everyone laughs except Phoebe, Arnold and Mr. Simmons)

Mr. Simmons

Now, class, I know you all may think what happened to Phoebe yesterday is amusing, but I assure you, it is not. Expulsion of gas is just a perfectly natural part of our body's very special digestion cycle. It's nothing to poke fun at, and nothing to be ashamed of. Now Rhonda, please come up to the front of the room, and point out the correct organs on the fart. (class laughs) I mean chart, I'm sor - I'm sor - I meant chart.

Phoebe's House[]

Phoebe

And then, during science class, instead of saying "chart", Mr. Simmons inadvertently said, well, you know, and so, consequently, I've decided that I'm never going back to school ever again.

Reba

Perhaps you ought to take a little time before you make up your mind per cern.

Kyo

Why don't you just stay home the rest of the week? By then you'll have a better perspective on the situation.

Phoebe

All right, but I assure you, I'm quite infatic about my decision. (doorbell rings, Phoebe opens it)

Phoebe

Arnold? What are you doing here?

Arnold

Well, I was thinking about what a rough day you had and I wanted to stop by and make sure everything's okay.

Phoebe

Why I'm just fine.

Arnold

Really? That's good to hear!

Phoebe

Yep. Ever since I decided that I'm never going back to P.S. 118, I'm doing just great.

Arnold

Never going back to P.S. 118? Phoebe, don't you think you're overreacting?

Phoebe

No, Arnold, I think I'm being perfectly rational considering the circumstances.

Arnold

Come on, Phoebe, you know you can't run away from this, this farting thing.

Phoebe

I'm sorry, Arnold, but I've made up my mind. As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. (closes the door and reopens it) No pun intended. (closes the door again; Arnold sighs)

P.S. 118 Classroom[]

Arnold

And she's so embarrassed and upset that she's never coming back to P.S. 118.

Mr. Simmons

Thank you Arnold, for bringing this very serious issue to our attention. (sighs) Now people, one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her. And if she comes back to school we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again, what do ya say? (beat) Okay if we pull this off then tomorrow's Movie Day.

(class cheers)

Phoebe's House[]

Mr. Simmons

Okay now, remember class, we're all here to make Phoebe feel better about her little, incident, and to remind her that we love her, we care about her well being, and above all that she is special to us. Now who wants to go first? How about you Rhonda?

(in Phoebe's room)

Rhonda

Now this whole thing is just silly. Trust me, eventually, this nightmare is going to end.

Phoebe

It is?

Rhonda

Of course it is, and before you know it, everyone is going to stop making fun of you to your face. Instead, they'll only make fun of you behind your back. (This only makes Phoebe groan)

(Stinky's next)

Stinky

I heard you were a might upset, and I just wanted to try and cheer you up.

Phoebe

I appreciate the intense Stinky, but I'm afraid you're wasting your time.

Stinky

Well, you might be right, but anyways, I wrote you a poem to express the way I feel about you. (clears throat and begins to read) If our dear friend Phoebe went away, we wouldn't know just what to say. If I could wish upon a star, I'd wish you'd stay here where you are. If you go, then we'll be blue. All of us kids and Mr. Simmons too. It seems a shame that we'd be parted. Just on a counta, you farted. (this only makes Phoebe cry, so Stinky crumples up the poem and walks out)

(Mr. Simmons is next)

Mr. Simmons

Phoebe, I know what you've experienced seems like an insurmountable obstacle to you now, but I promise you, you will overcome it.

Phoebe

How do you know?

Mr. Simmons

Well for one thing I've already forgotten about it, in fact when I look at you the only thing I can see is a bright, caring, sensitive and very talented young lady with the world on her feet.

Phoebe

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Mr. Simmons

No I'm not, Phoebe. I really mean it.

Phoebe

Really?

Mr. Simmons

Really.

(Phoebe takes off her glasses and wipes a tear from her eye) Phoebe

Thanks.

Mr. Simmons

You're welcome. Now, what do you say we join the class and the rest of the school and forget about what just happened and put this little episode behind us forever? Let’s move on and make a brand new fart.

Phoebe

Mr. Simmons! (stars to cry again)

Mr. Simmons

Start! Oh, I meant start, Phoebe!

(Helga's next)

Helga

Look Phoebe you gotta snap out of this. I mean criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleepover you do it all the time. You rip'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out.

Phoebe

Just get out. (Helga does)

Helga

Well, it's all up to you now, football head.

(Arnold walks in)

Arnold

Phoebe? Do you feel any better?

Phoebe

Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever going to forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated.

Arnold

That's not true.

Phoebe

Get real Arnold! 9 years of living have been reduced to one, to one, solitary fart!

Arnold

Come on Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that.

Phoebe

Well of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat, and clean, and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm very good at checkers!

Arnold

Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world. Or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.

Phoebe

I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them.

Arnold

If you can't face the class, how will you ever face yourself? (walks out)

P.S. 118 Auditorium[]

Principal Wartz

Students, students, may I have your attention please?

Harold

Oh, I hope this doesn't take long, I gotta see a man about a dog.

Principal Wartz

We now continue with our monthly assembly which was unfortunately interrupted by recent unforeseen events. (as he says this Phoebe walks in and whispers something to Principal Wartz) You do? Alright, students, Miss Heyerdahl has something to say.

Sid

What do you bet she does it again? (he, Stinky and Harold snicker) She might blow.

(Phoebe lowers the microphone and begins to speak)

Phoebe

Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl--4th grader, straight A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. I accidentally... (is nervous to say the word)... uh, well, I accidentally passed—went... (finds the courage) Heck, I'm just gonna say it: I farted! (the kids laugh out loud) Yes, I let one rip, I honked a big jawber, blew the tuba, popped a wafter. You all thought it was pretty funny. (kids stop laughing seeing how furious she is) I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just that girl who farted—and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of; I think you're the ones who should be ashamed! (hands the microphone back to Principal Wartz)

Principal Wartz

Well, I for one applaud Miss Heyerdahl for having the courage to stand up for herself. And I think you should too. What do you say, gang?

Harold

I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! (laughs; then instantly wets his pants) Uh-oh!

Sid

Look! Harold wet his pants! (Connie appeared to be the first person to hear that)

Stinky

Harold wet his pants! (kids laugh)

Harold

Waaaaaa! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Rhonda

He is never going to hear the end of it.

Harold

Oh no!
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