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24 Hours to Live

(Arnold steps up to bat)

Arnold

Wind's in the east. I should probably shoot for the gap between second and third.

Gerald

Just try not to get hit, okay?

Arnold

Yeah, good strategy.

Harold (To Arnold)

Who taught you how to play baseball, YOUR LOONY GRANDMA?

Helga

Come on, come on.

Harold

Alright already. Keep your shirt on, Helga, for all our sakes.

(Harold got hit by a baseball)

Helga 

Say something!

Harold

Goodnight, Mommy.

Arnold

Hey Grandpa, I've got a problem.

Grandpa

Shoot it at me, short man.

Arnold

Well, see, there's this big jerk at school, he says he's gonna...

Grandpa

— says he's gonna beat you up, eh?

Arnold

Well, yeah.

Grandpa

Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?

Arnold

That's right!

Grandpa

Big guy, huh? Slow, but with lots of power. Squash you like a bug, eh?

Arnold

Yeah, yeah! What should I do?

Grandpa

I have no idea.

Arnold

I've got to think of something, Grandpa.

Grandpa

Well, you could skip town. But then you'd have to live the rest of your life in fear, always looking over your shoulder, waiting for... that day. You try reasoning with him? Oh, a moron, eh? Well Arnold, I wish I knew what to tell you. In eighty years I think I've only learned one thing for sure.

Arnold

What's that?

Grandpa

Never eat raspberries. (Grandpa holds his stomach)
Gotta go! (Grandpa runs to the bathroom)

Helga

Twenty-four hours, fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds until you die!

DJ Nocturnal Ned

It's 7:00 on KILL. This one goes out to Arnold, who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes, and 47 seconds, from Helga who hates you.

Arnold

...Don't hit me; I'll hit me. I'm crazy...

Harold Berman

Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?

Helga

Boys are so stupid.

6th Grade Girls

Tommy (in an Italian New York accent)

Hey, Maria, come over here!

Maria

Tommy, you come over here.

Maria

Why you always do that?

Tommy

Do what?

Maria

That thing you always do.

Tommy

Aw, I ain't doing nothing!

A Day in the Life of a Classroom

Rhonda

Should we do our own make up, or will the crew do it?

Mr. Simmons

Do your own.

Helga

I'd rather watch paint dry.

Stinky

You have the first line, Harold.

Harold

Sorry. I felt a huge burp coming up and I was trying to keep it down.
The class laughs.

Mr. Simmons

O...kay, again.

Abner Come Home

(Abner has just woken Arnold up by licking his face)
Arnold

Abner, stop it! Oh, Abner, you're such a pig!

Arnold (to Abner at night)

Y’know boy, you’re more fun than a hundred dogs put together.

Arnold (on Abner)

Must be getting a drink out of the toilet again.

Grandma (the morning after Abner goes missing)

Anyone for bacon?

Arnold (describing Abner to the dog catcher)

And his tail is so curly when you pull it out it goes 'spoing'!

Gerald (on the missing pig)

Well, did you try going down to the dump and yelling 'sooey'?

Pig Skins R Us crew (yelling at Abner)

Come back here you football.

Grandpa

'Brilliant' does pretty much describe me. (He falls off chair.)

Gerald (on Arnold's brilliant idea)

Well, it's not working, and it's making me sick.

Ernie (overwhelmed at the end)

It does kinda bring a tear to your eye.

Grandpa

That's just the onions.

April Fool's Day

Helga

Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.

(Arnold is carrying "blind" Helga across the street and a taxi cab is speeding towards them)

Helga

Arnold, look out for that cab!
(Arnold jumps and they land on the sidewalk)

Helga

Arnold, are we alive?

Arnold

We're fine.

Helga

Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.

Arnold

You smelled the cab?

Helga

Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. (sniffs Arnold) Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, football-head.

Grandma

Oh, Happy Groundhog's Day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!

Grandpa

We know, Pookie...

Grandpa and Arnold

Twelve more days of Christmas...

Stinky

Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?

Helga (thinks when she dances with Arnold)

I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Arnold! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kiddin': I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!

Arnold (thinking when he dances with Helga)

Oh, man, I really hate this!

Helga (thinking)

Oh, man, do I love this or what!

Arnold

Gerald, I think, you're thinking what I'm thinking.
(Gerald whispers something in Arnold's ear)

Arnold

That's even better than what I was thinking!

Helga

(When She arrives home) Mom I'm home, and I'm blind!

Arnold & Lila

Lila: Arnold?

Arnold: Yes Lila?

Lila:Can you get your arm off my shoulder? As I've told you many times before i don't like you like you i just like you.

Arnold as Cupid

(Oskar playing saxaphone off key and loud)

Arnold

Mr. Kokoshka, do you think you could play your saxaphone some other time? I'm trying to study for a test.

Oskar

But Arnold I have to practice!

Arnold

Well, I have to study.

Oskar

Arnold be reasonable. Can't we at least compromise? I practice now, you can study tomorrow. (continues playing)

Arnold

(yelling over the loud saxaphone) But Mr. Kokoshka my test IS tomorrow! (angrily groans)

The next day...

Oskar

Hey Arnold, how did your test go?

Arnold

Not so good...

Oskar

That's too bad, you should have studied.

Oskar

But Suzie, where am I going to sleep?
(Suzie throws sleeping bag and teddy bear at Oskar)

Oskar

Arnold, I can't believe how handsome you're getting, the way your body's growing to match the unusual shape of your head.

Oskar Kokoshka (about to bet Arnold's CD player during a poker game)

Don't worry, Arnold, there's no way I can lose.
(next frame)
I can't believe I lost.

Oskar Kokoshka

You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka

What did you say?

Oskar Kokoshka

You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka

Oh, Oskar! That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.

Oskar Kokoshka

"You keep the money"?

Arnold Betrays Iggy

  1. REDIRECT Arnold Betrays Iggy/Quotes

Arnold Saves Sid

Grandpa Phil

You already had three helpings. (Hits Oskar's hand)

Oskar

Oww, you hurt my hand. I'm going to sue you!

Arnold Visits Arnie

Arnie
I'm gonna get some gum. Plain-flavored gum. (walks away)
Lulu
Arnold, would you like something ever so sweet as well?
Arnold
Eh, sure.
(Lulu kisses Arnold)
Arnold
Lulu, what are you doing?!
Lulu
(seductively smiling) I'm certain I'm trying to kiss you.
Arnold
Kiss me? You're Arnie's girlfriend, and... we're nine!
Lulu
Oh, Arnold. You're just all too square.

Rhonda

It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.

Harold

And look, there have little bears on them! (laughing)

Sid

Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!
(Arnold blushes)

Arnie

I realized why you came here, Arnold--so you could steal my girl. And now, now you're gonna pay for it!

Arnold's Christmas

Helga

These snow boots are boss!

Gerald (to Arnold)

What you did, that's the real meaning of Christmas, man.

Helga

Merry Christmas, Arnold.

Arnold's Halloween

Curly

I wanted to go as pirates.

Harold

No, Vikings.

Phoebe

How about clowns?

Helga

We're all going as aliens because the whole purpose of Halloween is to scare people and make them give you candy.

Gerald

Aliens are coming to destroy the Earth!

Grandpa (explaining about the kids in alien costumes)

The news is all over town. The city is in panic.

Gerald

Uh oh.

Arnold

The news station must have picked up our broadcast. Grandpa, what happened to the kids after you saw them?
(the kids are being chased by an angry mob)

Helga

Arn-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!!!!!

Arnold (Halfway across town)

Did you hear something just now?

Principal Wartz

Go humans, go! Go humans, go! Fight, fight, fight!!

Arnold's Hat

Helga

I need that cute, stupid, football head's hat! Oh....Did I just say that out loud?

Miriam

Helga? The door's locked, honey, what are you doing in there?

Helga

Nothing.

Miriam

Oh... okay.

Helga

All I wanted was the hat... and world domination, but for right now, just the hat. Is that too much to ask?

Gerald

Arnold! Hey Arnold! The Jolly Olly man's gone insane! He's passing out free ice-cream! Come on down!

Arnold

No! I'm not coming down without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!

Gerald

Okay. More ice-cream for me.

Helga

Out of my way, Fat Boy!

Helga

Did you happen to see a collection of seemingly useless junk randomly arranged behind a curtain in my closet for no apparent reason?

Miriam

Ah huh, dear. I threw it all out.

Helga

WHAT!?

Marty

Woo! Arnold! Man! Did anybody ever tell you you look like some kind of bronzed Greek god these days?

Helga

Ewwwww who said you could touch Me!

Helga

Are you trying to make me sick or something?

Helga

I will never wash these clothes again. (Splattt!) Yuck!

Arnold's Room

  1. REDIRECT Arnold's Room/Quotes

Arnold's Thanksgiving

Arnold
(To Helga at the boardwalk)
But it was the perfect Thanksgiving.  Everyone got along and they had a huge meal and...
Helga
(cuts him off)
That was a play!  It wasn't real life!  (gestures to the bay) This is real life...

Arnold's Valentine

  1. REDIRECT Arnold's Valentine/Quotes

Baby Oskar (episode)

Oskar
Suzie, make me a sandwich!
Suzie
In a minute, Oskar, I'm ironing your pants.
Oskar
Why can't you do both at the same time?

Suzie

Oh, Oskar.

Oskar

What?


Suzie

You know how much I have to do, why can't you help out a little bit? you know my cousin, Nancy will be here any minute with her baby.


Suzie
Oskar, please!
Oskar
What? I have to practice.
Suzie
You're not the only person in this house, all you ever think of is yourself.
Oskar
What's wrong with that?

Back to School

Principal Wartz (to a tough Grandpa Phil)

Report to detention after the final bell.

Phil

Report this, Wartz! (pulls the fire alarm and walks off)

Principal Wartz (resets the alarm)

That's it! I'm calling his parents!

Grandpa Phil

I'm gonna run for President. Pookie, you can be my campaign manager. What's our slogan?

Pookie

Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

Grandpa Phil

Pookie, you're fired. Arnold! You can be my campaign manager.

'Arnold (Sighs)

Grandpa...

Grandpa Phil

I want that diploma!

Arnold

Let's get it!

Grandpa Phil

Right after my nap!

Phil
(to Wolfgang) How about you let me kick, young fella?
Wolfgang
(laughing) Aren't you afraid you're gonna fall down and break your hip?
Phil
(angrily) My hip is made of rock hard plastic!  Watch this! (kicks the ball hard breaking a window, everyone runs off)
Wolfgang
Awesome kick, old guy!  What's your name?
Phil
Phil.
Wolfgang
Come on, Phil.  Sit with us at lunch, okay?

Bag of Money

Grandpa Phil (trying to cheer Arnold up)

We'll grow old together... Oh, wait a minute, I'm already old! Well, okay, so you'll grow old alone with no one to talk to and nothing to come to, except your fun memories and...
(Arnold gets sad)
...me and... I'm not helping, am I?

Arnold (Explaining what happened to the money)

There was this old lady on the bus, and she had pink hair, and a peg leg... and one eyebrow. And she had a bunch of shopping bags, and she must have taken my bag by mistake.
(Nobody believes him; later)

Sid

Who the heck is that?

Stinky

I reckon it's an old lady with pink hair, a peg leg, and one eyebrow.

Beaned

Helga

What is this clear wall blocking us from outside?

Arnold

It's a door. I'll get it for you.

Helga

Whatever is this contraption, Andrew?

Arnold

It's a water fountain. You drink from it.
(Helga pushes the button and water comes out)

Helga

I like to drink.

Benchwarmer

Coach Wittenberg

Pass the ball to Tucker!

Coach Wittenberg

Excellent pass to Tucker, Arnold — You don't even have to dribble, just pass it to Tucker!!

Best Friends

Arnold

I'm telling you, Rhonda, I don't really know anything about fashion.

Rhonda (reading fashion magazine)

Hmmm. Okay, tell me this: do red and orange go together?

Arnold

Uhhh...

Rhonda

Of course not. You know that, and I know that. But try to tell that to Nadine — she doesn't listen.

Best Man

  1. REDIRECT Best Man/Quotes

Big Bob's Crisis

Big Bob

Criminy, I'm a monster.

Helga

Actually it was just just gas, doc said you'll be fine as soon as u lay off the double rocks and lambs.

Arnold

Are you okay, Helga?

Helga

Oh I'm just peachy. My dad's joining some wacky spiritual group, brain-washed Miriam and Olga and is planning to take us all to Oregon to live in a hut, out in nature to sing songs and eat bark.

Big Caesar (episode)

Arnold

It could happen, there could be a prehistoric fish in city park.

Grandpa Phil

There comes a time in every youngster's life when he's ready to take on Big Caesar! And you boys... well, you're not ready yet, but I'm tired of waitin'.

Gerald (about the last boat available for a fishing contest)

There is no way we're fishing in a swan boat.
(next frame)

Gerald

I can't believe we're fishing in a swan boat.

Big Gino (episode)

Gino (Seeing Sid come in with Arnold)

I see you brought your lawyer.

Big Sis

Helga
Seeing you with Lila makes me...well, a little jealous. I mean You're my big sis.
Olga
Oh Helga! Despite what goes on in that silly little head of yours, you're my baby sis! We have a bond that only real sisters have and no one can break it.
Helga
Really?
Olga
Yes, really. Now, why don't you put on your Sunday best and come moonlight sailing with Lila and me?
Helga
Okay (smililing).
Olga and Lila
(begin singing in unison) We were sailing along, on Moonlight Bay!...
Helga
(rowing the boat and jumps overboard to swim away) What was I thinking!
Olga
Oh my! Where's Helga?!

Biosquare

Helga

No electricity? No T.V? No Popcorn? No deal! I'm out of here.

Arnold

Hey, if you can't tough if out 24 hours, than maybe you should leave.

Helga

Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough, is that it, Bio Boy? Well, I'll show you, I can stand be anywhere for 24 hours. Even locked in a controlled environment, with you!

Buses, Bikes, and Subways

(after she discover a pay phone was near Helga and Harold)

Helga (to Harold)

So how much money do you got?
(Harold shows Helga two quarters in his hand)
Enough for one call each. Hello, Mom! It's me, Helga! I'm stuck at the chocolate factory with a moron. The school bus left us here and we don't have any way to get back. Oh, please pick up, Miriam.
(Helga hangs up the phone)

Harold (dials the pay phone)

Hello? Mommy, it's me, Harold.

Worker at Restaurant

I never heard of you! Don't call me again!

Harold (hangs up phone)

Dialed the wrong number.

Helga

Just brilliant. You don't even know you're own phone number.

Harold

Hey, look. The subway. We're saved!

Helga

Yeah, great idea, genius. Only one little problem — it costs money to take the subway, and we don't have any.

Harold

Then we'll just jump the gate. No one ever gets caught. Come on! (gets stuck on the turn-style entrance)

Cop

Hey! You two kids! Come back here!
(Helga pushes Harold through, while they both run into the moving subway, eluding the cop)

Harold (relieved)

Oh! (sighs) That was close. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!

Helga

"No one ever gets caught."



Helga

One, I'm not gonna ride that Clown Bike. Two, It doesn't belong to Us.

Harold

Aw, Come on. No one's gonna Notice. You want to make it to Wrestlemania, Don'cha?



Helga (to Sheena's Uncle Earl)

Hey Mister, wake up!

Sheena's Uncle Earl

What? Who goes there?

Helga

Can you give us a ride into town?

Harold

There some crazy midget clowns that want to kill us!

Sheena's Uncle Earl

Midget clowns eh? Arr!

Helga (Harold has begun to hug her)

Get away from me, you big whale!

Helga

Everything that happened today was your fault. You can't do anything right! Take the bus for example. Why do you think we missed it, Harold? Oh, let's see, hmm... maybe was it be because you were too busy eating twice your bodyweight in chocolate, num-nums?! Oh, how about this one? "Let's take the subway, I think it goes to Lincoln." Oh wait, no it doesn't, it goes straight to the bowels of the underworld!! Population: homicidal, toothless, midget clowns!! "I know, let's steal their bike, they won't mind." Now, you'd think that would be enough to fill any moron's day, but you're not just any moron, are you, Harold? You're the king! Your day's just getting started! So, because of your amazing curiosity about the world around us, you pulled the plug out of the bottom of our getaway boat!!! You idiot.

Career Day

Arnold
Now, about my grade....
Willie the Jolly Olly Man
Oh, your grade, that's right...  You get an F, kid!  A big fat F!
Arnold
Huh?!
Willie the Jolly olly Man
F for friendly! Just kidding! Ahahaha! You get an A!

Casa Paradiso

Ernie's poem "Knocked Down"

I knocked down my share of buildings and leveled a lot of place
And've seen the miserable looks on the former occupants faces.
If you kick us out, Grandpa, we'll be really angry and sad,
On account that living right here has been the best time most of us has ever had.

Chocolate Boy (episode)

Chocolate Boy

I need chocolate, wheres the chocolate, i gotta have chocolate

Arnold

Well, you didn't bet Wolfgang, did you?

Edmund

Whoa! Chocolate Boy doesn't want chocolate? Pinch me, I'm dreaming. (Wolfgang pushes Edmund to the ground)

Arnold

I can't believe you. I followed you for two weeks straight, all because of a bet.

Chocolate Boy

Yeah Arnold. Two weeks, no chocolate.

Arnold

But, I thought you really wanted to quit.

Chocolate Boy

Sorry Arnold! I gotta go.

Chocolate Turtles

Arnold

Why fight it? It's working.

Coach Wittenberg (episode)

Arnold

Maybe you should try using psychology.

Coach Wittenberg

Hmmm. Psycho-ology, eh?

Cool Party

Curly (About Rhonda not inviting him to her party)

I bet she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl.

Eugene (After hearing Phoebe's explanation of a geek)

Bite the head off a chicken? But none of us has done that... well, except for Curly.

Curly

Yeah! And that was just the one time!

(the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do)

Harold

I say we crash Rhonda's party and eat all her food!

Kids

YEAH!!!

Helga

Well, I say we get a truckload of house manure and leave it on her front porch!

Kids

YEAH!!!

Curly

I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!
(Everyone stares at him)

Helga (sarcastically)

Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour.
(Curly runs away cackling)

Helga

Poor twisted little freak.

Gerald

Wanna go throw rocks at Helga throwing rocks at a dumpster?

Arnold

Sure.

Harold

Geek party at Arnold's house!

Curly

Ahhhhaaa free all the animals Ahhhhhhaaaa!

Crabby Author

Agatha Caulfield
Holy Crackers!

Phil
Why ya always spittin at us Mr. Hoctooey!?

Crush on Teacher

Gerald

Why are you reading this junk? (Teases) Oh, right, you have a crush on Miss Felter...

Arnold

I like poetry, it has nothing to do with her.

Gerald

Right. Later, man.
(As Gerald's walking away)

Arnold

Oh soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the east...
(Gerald pauses)

Arnold (In a dreamy voice)

... and... Miss Felter is the sun.

Gerald (In disgust)

That's it, now I'm pukin'.

Gerald

You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita. (purrs)

Arnold

Do I have to purr?

Gerald

Yes, chicks dig the purr!

Arnold (To Miss Felter after Gerald's voice is heard through the walkie talkie that is in Arnold's pants)

Sometimes my pants... they talk.

Arnold

You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita.

Miss Felter

Muchas gracias.

Arnold

Aw, enchilada.

Curly Snaps

Curly

Then later in class, Harold answered the bonus question that I was about to answer. Harold stole the question from me! Another injustice.

Harold

No fair! He let me answer that question!

Mr. Simmons

Curly, you let Harold answer that question.


(Behind the lockers)

Arnold

I think Curly's finally snapped.

Gerald

No kidding.
(In the bathroom)

Sid

You guys, Curly's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Wartz. My kickballs!
(In the halls)

Helga

Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Curly has gone over the edge.
(In the halls)

Peapod Kid

Curly? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.
(In the library)

Campfire Lass

There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Wartz's office. LET'S GO!

Curly (throwing a ball at Mr. Simmons)

Save your new ageisms for the saps, Granola Boy!

Curly

Here's Curly!

Principal Wartz (To Curly)

Okay, what are your demands?

Curly

My demands? I, I want two Yahoo sodas and, and a meatball sub!

Principal Wartz (To Mr Simmons)

Kids playing Hardball!

Harold

What happened?

Helga

Any Bloodshed?

Mr Simmons

Absolutely not! We resolved this in a peaceful mannor.

Principal Wartz

Alright son, come with me!

Curly

Hey! I thought we've worked it all out! Remember Principal Wartz, sensativity!

Principal Wartz

Hah! I'll give you sensativity, i'll give you a weeks worth of sensativity everyday after school!

Curly's Girl

Curly
Here's the deal. Curly cleans the fur, and you, Rhonda, all you have to do is pretend to be Curly's girlfriend for a week.
Rhonda
Gross! No way, absolutely not!

Stinky
Wheelacres!
Helga
You can say that again.
Stinky
Wheelacres!

Dangerous Lumber

(Harold gets hit by Arnold's ball)

Gerald

Say something, big boy.

Harold

Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.

Helga

Medic.

Ernie

Ow! That baseball hit me right in the head!

Mickey Kaline

You got dangerous lumber, kid.

Das Subway

Arnold

We could take the crosstown bus.

Helga

You mean THAT one?
(The bus goes right by them without stopping)

Harold

Well, we could walk.

Helga

WALK? It'll take days! We'll freeze to death! We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse... eaten by RATS! I hate rats!

(about riding the subway)


Gerald

Sun goes down, stay above ground.

Harold

(panicking) Air...getting thinner! Hard...to...breathe!

Blind Man

Well then stop sucking up all the good air, Fat Boy!

Helga

There is no way I'm taking the subway.
(next frame)
I can't believe I'm taking the subway.

Gerald

The train stopped

Helga

No kidding, Einstein

Grandma (on the stuck subway car)

I'm the only ex-cop in this town brave enough to take on this job.

Hobo (Repeated line)

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Claustrophobic woman (repeating over and over)

Big open spaces.

Conductor (through PA system)

(calmly) Passengers, it may just be a matter of minutes or hours (panicking) OR DAYS OR WEEKS (calmly) before the search and rescue team finds our (panicking) FORGOTTEN EXTRACTED SUBWAY CAR...

Grubby man

Wait a minute! Wait a minute, everybody!

Helga

We know. We know.

Everyone

Get out of your house.

Grubby man

No, no, not that. I got something else to say…

Deconstructing Arnold

Rhonda
When I get my hands on that Helga, she's gonna be sorry she was ever born!
Stinky
Yeah! That Helga's advice really bites!
Sid
Why'd I even listen to her?!
Arnold: "Sid, you can start by aplogizing to Lorenzo for stealing, his phone."
Sid: "Okay"
Arnold: Stinky and Harold, the first you need to do is ask Eugene to forgive you, that is if he can even hear you."

Dinner for Four

Phoebe

Well, I suppose the only solution would be to tell the manager the truth.
(pause)

Helga

That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard in my entire life!

Helga

I need time to come up with a plan to get out of paying! We'll stall! We'll order more food! Lots more food!

Phoebe

But isn't that just exacerbating the problem?

Helga

Nadine it's Helga listen I need you to bring one of your cockroaches over to Chez Paris and let it loose in the restaurant. I don't care what classification of cockroach just the biggest ugliest hairiest one you've got and let it loose!

Helga (after weasling out of paying a dinner bill)

There is no way I'm gonna go back in there, tell them the truth, and wind up washing dishes.
(next frame)

Helga

I can't believe I told them the truth, and I wound up washing dishes.

Dino Checks Out

Candy

Dino and I had two really great years together, and then we got married.

Lawyer (going over Dino Spamoni's will)

"My house and money will all go to my most recent ex-wife Candy."

Candy

YESSSSS!

Charlie [or it was Jimmy?]

Can we go home now?

Candy

IN A MINUTE!

Executor (Reading Dino Spumoni's Will)

"And I leave my extensive collection of paintings to be equally divided among my five ex-wives-except Bunny, who gets jack-squat."

Bunny

Aw, nuts! Take me home, Chooch!

Ernie

Hey, Oskar, he's not dead! I want my two bucks back!

Door Number 16

Gerald

So I hear you got a package for that secret guy, Mr. Smith.

Arnold

Yeah, and I alone have been shouldered with the weighty responsibility of it's safety.

Gerald

Cool, let's open it.

Mr. Hyunh

He is very creepy. He gives me the creepies.

Downtown as Fruits

Helga (first line of the series)

Arnold! (High pitched, 2 Times) Hey Arnold! Get off that stage!

Arnold

Sorry.

Helga

Know your lines? Of course you already know your lines. But I don't want to just hear your lines... I want to feel whats in your souls.

Curly

Do vegetables have souls?

Helga

Hey, where are the fruits?

Phoebe

They're not here, Helga. They never showed up.

Helga

Arn-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!

Arnold (across town on a bus)

Did you hear something just now?

Arnold

Wow, people downtown sure are friendly.

'Helga

People, People (claps twice). Now remember, a play has a life of it's own, it's got to breath (pounds milk costume). Every food group must build upon the food group that came before it. First, the legumes.

Peapod kid

Legumes? I thought we were beans.

Helga

You ARE, genius!

Eating Contest

Harold: "I love this contest........I love eating..........."

Harold: "Wait........I think I ate too fast.........oh, oh.......my belly hurts."

Harold: AAAAAAAAAAAH! Mommy!"

Egg Story

(as Harold and Rhonda are assigned to partner up taking care of an "egg baby")

Harold

Come on Rhonda you know you like me!

Rhonda

Where in the world would you get a ridiculous idea like that!

Harold

Remember that time at the Cheese Festival where you jumped-

Rhonda (claps a hand over Harold's mouth)

Sssh, I told you never to mention that night ever again!

(after when Harold showed Rhonda their egg that has tape all over it)

Rhonda

What did you do, Harold!?

Harold

Nothing.

Rhonda

Harold, this is not our egg. This — I don't even know what this is. What did you do with Courtney?

Harold

Uh, I, Uh... Oh! I was hungry!

Rhonda

You...ate...our...baby?
(Harold belches)

Ernie in Love

Ernie
(writing) "I long to meet you, dearest Lola.  If I were Spanish I'd say hola.  Of thee I am oh so enamoured for in my heart forever hammered."

Eugene Goes Bad

Eugene
He's the Abdicator!  When I grow up, I wanna be just like him.
Gerald
Ha!  Like that's gonna happen.
Arnold
At least he has a dream.

Kid
I don't care how late it is!  I'm going out and I might not be back till 9 O'clock!
Eugene
(to the kid) It must be way past your bedtime.
Kid
I have to be in bed by 8:30 right after my favorite show Yo Ernest.

Eugene's Bike

Young Helga (In flashback)

Hey, Arnold! Shake hands with Mr. Crab!

Eugene

That Arnold, he just keeps giving and giving.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eugene:(After sticking his finger in the glue) Mmm! Mmm!

Eugene's Birthday

  1. REDIRECT Eugene's Birthday/Quotes

Eugene's Pet

Arnold opens the bathroom stall and he and Eugene enter it with Henry’s deceased body in his goldfish bowl.


Arnold: “You gotta do it, Eugene, it’s time.”


Eugene walks around over to the toilet.


Eugene carefully dumps Henry’s deceased body right into the toilet.


Eugene: [Devastatingly] “Goodbye, Henry.”


Eugene tries to flush Henry’s deceased body down the toilet, but he refuses to do it.


Eugene: [Tearfully] “Oh, I can’t do it, Arnold, [Weeps Silently] I had Henry since he was a little baby goldfish.”


Arnold: “Okay, I’ll flush it for you, here.”


Arnold almost flushes Henry’s deceased body down the toilet, but Eugene stops him.


Eugene: [Tearfully] “Wait!”


Arnold: “You really loved him, huh?”


Eugene: [Tearfully] “Yeah.”


Arnold: “What if we bury Henry someplace we can always go visit him? that’d be better, wouldn’t it?”


Arnold and Eugene walk around outta the men’s restroom with Henry’s deceased body.

Meanwhile...................

[Crows Squawking]


[Light Gray Kitty Cat Meowing]


[Church Bell Tolling In Background]


Harold: “There’s gonna be food at the house there, right? there better be a potluck after this thing.”


Arnold: “Shhh.”


Arnold: “Okay, go ahead and put him in.”


Eugene: “Um, aren’t we gonna say something about Henry 1st?”


Gerald: “Like what?”


Phoebe: “Well, it’s customary at funerals to give a eulogy for the deceased person or creature.”


Helga: “Alright, since I’m obviously the most experienced public speaker of any 1 here………”


Eugene: “Um, I prefer if it wasn’t you, Helga, no offense, but I’m not sure you really well appreciated Henry.”


Helga: “I appreciated him just fine, you pathetic little………(Arnold elbows her hard in the right shoulder) ow!”


Eugene: “Gerald should do it.”


All 5 PS 118 4th grade students: “Yeah, yeah, Gerald, Gerald’s our right hand man.”


Gerald stands right on Henry’s tomb tire.


[Gerald Clears His Throat]


Gerald: “Arnold………..”


[Arnold Playing Silver Harmonica]


Gerald: “Henry wasn’t the biggest of the best lookin’ goldfish, so no 1 came to buy him for a long time, he thought he’d never find a home, then 1 day, a lonely boy came into the pet store, he was kind of a geek, really, but he needed a pet and he wanted Henry and that was the start of a beautiful friend, Henry was a simple fish, he didn’t ask for much, a few flakes of fish food, his little plastic castle, that little guy with the mask, even though that didn’t turn out so good, but these were the things he loved and swimming, oh, yes, swimming with the big thing with him, right up to the end, when he was struck down in a bizarre twist of fate by a runaway yo-yo, and so we say, ‘Goodbye’, Henry, you were a good pet fish to the end.”


[Light Gray Kitty Cat Yowling]


The light gray kitty cat jumps right into Henry’s tomb pit and takes away Henry’s deceased body now wrapped in tissue paper.


Eugene: “Henry!”


[Light Gray Kitty Cat Yowling Again]

Eugene, Eugene!

Stinky

What the heck is "Eugene Eugene," Eugene?

Mr. Leichliter

The role of Betty will be done by Lila Sawyer, and the part of Lawrence goes to Arnold... hmmm, I can't even read my own handwriting.

False Alarm

Gerald

Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it.

Curly

Because three months, two weeks, and four days ago, Eugene borrowed my favorite pencil - the pencil I got last summer at Wankyland - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't eat! All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING!!! And then, when he finally gives it back to me, he says, 'Oh, here Curly.' Like it was NO BIG DEAL!
I couldn't take this lying down. See, I got a plan — the fire alarm. All I had to do was plant the right clues: the peanut butter, the glasses, and, to top it all off, the pencil. Bingo, he would be branded for life! Ahhhh Ahhhhh Ahhhahhh!

Curly (Dementedly)

I did It! I pulled the fire alarm! And I'd do it again, too! See? (Laughs dementedly as we hear the fire bell ringing and Curly pulling the levers down)

Principal Wartz

Stop that!

Family Man

Mr. Hyunh

I like to work in the restaurant.

Ernie Potts

I'm telling you, we could pull this off.

Suzie Kokoshka

I suppose I could pretend to be Mrs. Hyunh for just one night.

Ernie Potts

And I'll be his brother, Edwin. Arnold will be his son, Grandpa will be his father.

Grandma (coming in from the kitchen)

And I'll be Mary, Queen of Scots!

Grandpa

Pookie, you'll stay out of the way.

Mr. Kamacho

Who is she?

Mr. Hyunh

Shee...she...uhhh...shess???

Grandma

Why, I'm his sister.

Mr. Kamacho

Your sister?

Grandma

And I'm also Mary, Queen of Scots. (cackles)

Mr. Kamacho (after Grandma whacks him with her cane and sees Arnold smiling nervously, he stands up angrily and slams his bib down)

ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT. SOMETHING FUNNY IS GOING ON HERE! AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!

Mr. Hyunh

Here you go, Arnold. A big combo platter on the house.

Oskar

What do I get?

Mr. Hyunh

You get a taco, made by Rockwell. (points at Rockwell grumbling and clearing out the dishes)

Oskar

But he doesn't even know how to make a taco. He puts the cheese in first then the tomatoes then the meat. It's crazy.

Field Trip

Gerald

Nothing like a field trip ha, Arnold?

Arnold

Huh? Oh, are we in the Aquarium yet?

Gerald

Not yet.
(Harold hits Eugene with a spitball)

Gerald

Well, we better get there soon, everybody's getting kind of restless.

Arnold

Awesome.

Harold

Look, I'm a whale. (drinks a sip of milk and spits it out through his nose)

Arnold

Well, let me ask you something Grandma. How would you feel if you were living in the ocean and some scientists captured you and put you in a tank?

Arnold's Grandma

WHAT!? No sir! They'll never catch me! NEVER! (throws pillow, which breaks a glass object offscreen)

Arnold

Calm down, Grandma! It's a hypothetical question.

Guard (taunting the animals at the aquarium)

Here, have a cookie. Ha-ha, you tossed your cookies!

Arnold's Grandma

Go! You're free, run like the wind!

Fighting Families

Game Show Host

And from PS. 118, meet Arnold and his family. Phil, Pookie, Ernie, and and Mr. Heeee-yun!

Mr. Hyunh

It's H-WIN!!

Ernie

One more comment, Hyunh, and I'll give you a knuckle sandwich, with plenty of mustard!

Grandpa

I'll give you both a knuckle sandwich!

Grandma

That's odd, I don't remember packing any sandwiches.

Ernie

Oh, good one, Hyunh!

Mr. Hyunh

You push me!

Ernie

Yeah! Well, Gramps stepped on my toe!

Grandpa

I did not! This is stepping on your toe! (steps on Ernie's foot)

Mr. Hyunh

Pluto, Pluto!

Ernie

Not Pluto, Pluton! You idiot!

Brainy

Huhhh... Huhh... Hi.

Contest Lady

And the winner is Arnold... there seems to be a smudge over the last name.

Stinky

That must be you, Arnold, on the count that you're the only kid named Arnold in this whole danged school.

Arnold

I've decided to pick Ernie and Mr. Hyunh to be on the team with me and Grandma and Grandpa.

Mr. Kokoshka

But what about me?!

Arnold

Well, Mr. Kokoshka, you can come as an alternate.

Mr. Kokoshka

An alternate?! Oh, boo! I am leaving now!

Fishing Trip

Grandpa Phil (Spotted a dead owl)

Aw, look, a dead owl. Breakfast!

Eugene

I just know we'll wake up tomorrow to a better day!
(Someone farts)

Gerald

If we make it till tomorrow.

Mr. Berman

My knees are weak.

Grandpa Phil

My knees are fake.

Grandpa Phil

Let's just fish... for the Halibut!

Eugene

(farts)

Harold

This trip stinks!

Gerald (smells farts)

In more ways than one!

Four-Eyed Jack (episode)

Gerald

Wait one minute. You're telling me that this place is haunted?

Grandpa Phil

Well, no, that would be irresponsible. What I am trying to say is — YES, IT IS HAUNTED! BY THE VENGEFUL, UNHOLY, CRYPT REEKING GHOST OF FOUR-EYED JACK‼ (Hands Arnold the glasses) Here you go, short man. You'll be hearing from him tonight.

Oskar

Ghost? I don't believe in ghosts. I'm not the least bit superstitious.

Susie (From inside)

What do you mean you're not superstitious? You keep a horse shoe in your pants.

Oskar

Don't mock my families traditions!

Oskar

I know, let's catch him and sell him to the circus! We can make money.

Four-Eyed Jack

Um...boo!

Freeze Frame

  1. REDIRECT Freeze Frame/Quotes

Friday the 13th

Grandma

Happy Friday the thirteenth!

Gerald (sees black cats)

That's not exactly the sign I was looking for.

Arnold

They're probably Grandma's cats. She's... uh... collecting them...

Gerald

Collecting them?

Arnold

Don't ask...

Grandma

Happy Friday the 13th! -cackling laugh- Well, I'm going to go collect all the black cats in the neighborhood and walk them under a ladder.

Arnold and Gerald

Garlic Chains around our necks
Save us from this Evil Hex!

Full Moon

Harold (heard Principal Wartz coming out of his office)

Here he comes. Get ready on three, (Harold, Stinky, and Sid put on some masks) one...

Arnold

Are really gonna go through this?

Harold

Shh! Two... (they unzipped their pants and Principal Wartz walked down the hallway) Three! (everyone except Arnold bended down)

Principal Wartz

What the — what is this? (puts on his glasses and saw Harold, Stinky, and Sid mooning him) Oh, my! (Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the hallway and started laughing) Come back here you hooligans! (Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the school and Principal Wartz was panting) You won't get away with this!

Harold

What did Wartz do to you?

Arnold

He gave me four weeks detention.

Sid

Four weeks!?

Stinky

But you didn't even do anything!

Arnold

I know, Stinky.

Harold

You better not rat on us Arnold! Cause you know what'll happen if you do!

Arnold

(sighs) I won't tell (Arnold Leaves)

Stinky

Ya think maybe it ain't not fair for Arnold to take the blame?

Sid

You mean that we should Principal Wartz that we the one's who did it and get Arnold off the hook?

Harold

NO! NO! NO! Arnold got caught and that's his fault, not ours! We got away with it and that's all that counts! Nobody is going into Waltz's and telling him what we did! NOBODY! YOU GOT IT ?!!!

Sid

I guess there's no sense in all three of us getting detention.

Stinky

I guess you're right Harold. You figured he'll crack and spill the beans?

Principal Wartz (to Arnold)

You understand that your permanent record will follow you all the way to Jr. High?

Arnold

I understand.

Principal Wartz

And you still won't tell?

Arnold

No.

Principal Wartz

Then you leave me no choice.

Principal Wartz (about mooning)

Mooning is not funny! It's not a game!

Harold

I did it, it was me! I'm sorry, Arnold was completely innocent! I'm the mooner! I'm the mooner!!!

Stinky

I'm guilty too!

Sid

And me! We all did it together!

Stinky

Arnold had nothing to do with it!

Sid

He was just a pawn in our horrible, twisted prank!

Harold

He's innocent! He's innocent!

Gerald vs. Jamie O

Jamie O

You tore my shirt!

Gerald

Your shirt?! That's my shirt! The one you stole!

Gerald Comes Over

Timberly

Hey, look! I'm Timberly the Pink Ranger! (Funny, because the first Pink Ranger's name is Kimberly, not Timberly).

Arnold

Okay, Gerald, we're almost there. Now at times the things you see may confuse or even frighten you. But just remember, everyone is essentially harmless.

Gerald

Arnold, relax. I've been here before. Besides, how weird can your house be?

Gerald (about Ernie)

Man, he was creepy.

Arnold

Ya, and he likes you.

Arnold (As Susie's throwing all her stuff into the hall)

Stand by for pottery!

Gerald Moves Out

(Upset over washing Gerald's clothes)

Mr Hyunh

This lint is your lint.
(in high pitch voice)
I'm not your Mother!

Gerald

Okay, I’m sorry. (Gerald leaves the room)

Mr. Hyunh (To Arnold)

I am not his mother!

Gerald

I'm sorry Arnold. But there's no lifestyle. It's not what I thought it'd be. I need a ticket to use the bathroom, I can't eat your grandma's cooking; "No Offense". I even have to do my own laundry. Look at me, I look like an extra in a hippie movie.

Grandpa

I'm such a wily old coot.

Martin (mad about Gerald moving out)

No 9-year old is renting a room in a boarding house. Where's my coat?

Mr. Hyunh

The rules says all attendants must clean out the lint filter.

Ernie Potts

And I'm telling you, that filter was clean as a whistle, when I was through.

Mr. Hyunh

Then why did I find all of this? This lint. YOUR LINT!

Gerald

If I drop off my laundry now, how soon will I get it back?

Ernie Potts

That depends.

Gerald

Depends on what?

Ernie Potts

How long it takes you to do it!

Gerald (sad like)

You mean, I have to do my own laundry?

Gerald's Game

Gerald
This is not a game for the weak or impatient.

Gerald's Secret

  1. REDIRECT Gerald's Secret/Quotes

Gerald's Tonsils

Phoebe

Gerald, your solo tonight was... inspired!

Ghost Bride (episode)

Stinky (passing the graveyard)

Look, fellers. We're passing the bone-yard.

Harold

Hurry up, you guys! This place is gives me the creeps! It's full of dead people!

Stinky

Well, you might as well get used to it, on the count of we'll probably all be buried here someday.

Harold

Okay maybe, but that won't happen for a long, long time. Right?

Stinky (talking about the Ghost Bride)

The Ghost Bride will get you and hack you up, just like her sister and her former intended!

Arnold (reading headstone)

Here lies Cynthia Snell. She lived her life and went straight to... I can't read the rest.

Arnold

But we have to do something, we can't just stay in here forever.

Harold

Sure we can, these guys did. (points at two dead corpses)

Arnold

But they're dead.

Sid

What's your point?

Sid (to Curly, dressed as a dead bride)

I can't believe you'd pull such a dirty trick!

Eugene Horowitz

I can't believe how nice you look in that dress!

Curly

Okay it was a dirty trick, I admit it. But I wanted to tell the story! Why should GERALD always get to tell the stories? (imitates Pee-Wee Herman voice) IT'S NOT FAIR!

(while Curly is tied inside the crypt, he heard someone humming "Wedding March")

Curly

Helga? Is that you? Come on! This isn't a joke! Let me out! Come on, Helga! Helga?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Girl Trouble

Big Bob

Hey, Helga, you in there? It's your little friend Alfred on the phone!

Helga

Arnold? Calling me? At my house?

Big Bob

Yeah, Arnold. Whatever. Anyway, he's on the phone for you!

Helga

Oh, Arnold! So kind, so just, so moral! (is twirling around while the telephone cord is wrapping around her)
You couldn't help but return to the ways I know and love. (she sighs and falls to the floor with a loud thump, Big Bob hears the fall from downstairs)

Arnold

Helga?? Are you there??

(Helga is on the floor wrapped in her telephone cord)

Helga (sarcastically)

Yeah, yeah! An agreement sounds great. Have my people call your people and we'll draw up the papers! Yeah, in your dreams, football head! Like I'm ever going to agree with you about anything! And don't ever call me at my house ever again!!! EVER!!! (sighs and Big Bob opens her bedroom door and looks down to her confused, Helga looks up at him and laughs sheepishly)

Big Bob

I'm not even gonna ask... (leaves her room)

Grandpa

(looking through a photo album) Heh Heh Heh, there’s Gertie rolling me in honey and staking me on top of an ant hill. (Arnold is seen walking up the stairs) That mischievous, pigtailed little imp. Oh mercy.

Arnold

Hey Grandpa.

Grandpa

Why, if it isn’t young Arnold home from his day at school. How come you’re all covered in paint?

Arnold

Helga poured it on me. So I poured some on her.

Grandpa

(Stands up) What! Oh my word, you’ve snapped Arnold! You’ve turned into some kind of vicious, paint-pouring thug. (Arnold rolls eyes) I don’t know what to think about you any more. Why didn’t you follow your instincts like I told you?

Arnold

I did Grandpa.

Grandpa

I wasn't talking about those instincts. I meant your good ones.

Grand Prix

Stinky

I got it! How about The Muave Avenger?

Arnold

Stinky, we are not calling our go-cart "The Muave Avenger".
(Scene changes)

Arnold

I cannot believe we called our go-cart "The Muave Avenger".

Edmund

Hey, when do I get to drive?

Wolfgang

You get to drive, uh... NEVER!

(Eugene has come in second.)

Stinky

Yeah, but we didn't win.

Eugene

But I didn't crash.

Stinky

But we didn't win!

Stinky

Try, try, and try again till you can't try no longer, and if that don't work, why, you've wasted a whole lot of time trying to do something you just couldn't do.

Grandpa's Birthday

(Grandpa believes he has died)

Grandpa

Well, that's it. I must be in heaven. Oh, no! Oskar's here! This must be the other place!

Arnold

No, Grandpa, it's the boarding house, you're still here with us.

Grandpa

Yes, well it's still my time to go, just like my grandfather before me: born in 1830, died in 1921, and his father: born in 1800, died in 1891.

Arnold

Grandpa! That means they were both 91 when they died!

Grandpa

900 carry the three... Oh I'm an idiot! That's right! The family curse is 91, not 81! That means I have ten more years before I'm worm chow! I'm not going to die! At least not now.

Arnold

No, Grandpa, you're still with us. Good morning, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil

What's so good about it?

Grandpa's Packard

  1. REDIRECT Grandpa's Packard/Quotes

Grandpa's Sister

Grandpa Phil

And I'm about to go fishing with my favorite grandson!

Arnold

I'm your only grandson.

Grandpa Phil

Uh-huh...

Arnold

Grandpa, you can't jettison Aunt Mitzi out the second-floor window!

Phil
(to Arnold) Mitzi and I never got along!  We never agreed about anything!
Arnold
(pulling out an old picture of Phil and Mitzi playing with their Scottish Terrier Pooter when they were children) Oh, yeah?  What about Pooter?
Phil
Aw, look, it's Pooter.
Arnold
And Mitzi.
Phil
Nah must be some neighborhood kid
Arnold
No, that's Mitzi.  Look at you two.  Look at how happy you were together.  You looked like you got along great.
Phil
Our old mutt Pooter.  What a wonderful dog smart as a whip.  We took him everywhere.
Mitzi
(popped up behind Phil) Throwing sticks in the park till it was too dark to see anymore
Phil
And giving him baths in the backyard
Mitzi
And taking him to the seashore
Phil
Remember how he used to gas up the care and Dad would say...
Phil and Mitzi
(in unison) "Jumping Jehosehphat!  Who let one?!"  yeah
Arnold
Whatever happened to him?
Mitzi
(glances at Phil) Well, we kept him in the backyard then one day he got out and we went looking for him.
Phil
We went all over the neighborhood calling his name.
Mitzi
By the time we found him, he had been hit by a milk truck...
Phil
We took him to the vet but...there was nothing they could do for him...

Grudge Match

Grandpa Phil

Ohh, I hit a birdie, that's terrible!

Hall Monitor

Gerald

You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.

Arnold

Can't, got detention.

Gerald

Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning the corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are just from this morning. (Tosses them on the floor)
(Phoebe writes another ticket and gives it to Gerald)

Gerald

What's this for?

Phoebe

One for littering.

Phoebe
(in a tough authoritive voice) Yo!  Halt!

Harold the Butcher

Mr. Green

Harold Berman! I can't believe my eyes! You stole my beautiful ham! And now it's ruined!

Harold

Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!

Mr. Green

That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! (Pointing his finger in Harold's face) YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

Harold

NOOOOO!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!

Mr. Green

I'm gonna have to call his mommy.

Rabbi Goldberg

Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.

Harold

But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!

Rabbi Goldberg

And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher. Not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years and we don't need to start now. (Crosses his arms)

Harold

I know! And I'm sorryyyyy!

Rabbi Goldberg

Yes. I know you're sorry because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: Red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it! You know what happened? My friend stole the vest! And he was punished! He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to *make* a vest. He learned a good lesson. (Crossing his legs and wondering) You can, too, Harold. I have an idea.

Harold

Do you like being a butcher?

Mr. Green

Huh? Yeah. I've been doin' it for a long time.

Harold

What's your favorite kind of meat?

Mr. Green

Don't you have sweeping to do?

Harold

What's the difference between a rump roast and a buttstick?

Mr. Green

Hey, I've got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just 2 more days and he's outta my hair!

Mr. Green

He's still out there, huh?

Arnold

Uh-huh.

Mr. Green

(Sighs)

Miriam

Um, Mr. Blue?

Mr. Green

It's Green!

Harold vs. Patty

Harold: (after hearing Sid and Stinky make fun of Harold after losing to Patty) So what if I lost to a Girl? Patty's the best Arm Wreslter in the whole city and she's my friend! I'm proud to lose to her and if anyone have a problem with that. I'll pound them!

(Harold headbutts Sid and Stinky)

Sid and Stinky: Ow!

Harold's Bar Mitzvah

Danny (Describing his mother)

She's tall and has... hair! Wah-wah!
Hosahainne, Harold! Hold your horses!

Harold's Kitty

Harold

Don't shoot! I'm just a kid with a cat!

Arnold
(about the elderly woman and the kitten) That cat is her best friend in the whole world.  She raised him since he was born.  You have to give him back.

Headless Cabbie (episode)

Stinky (telling his scary story)

This here yarn of a horror is about the ever-frighting: Monkeycat. In the dingy laboratory of the despicable Dr. Mischief, there lived an old furry cat. One day, the cat snuck into the cage of a frisky monkey and got himself caught. Dr Mischief watched as the monkey and the cat began to fight, they became entangled together and that's when the evil doctor got his big idea. He cut off the monkey's head and sewed on the cat's body and invented...Monkeycat!

Gerald

Monkeycat?

Stinky

Monkeycat!

Gerald

What's so scary about that?

Stinky

It's a banana eating milk drinking horror monster, Monkeycat!

Harold (throws his pillow at Stinky)

That's not scary! That's stupid!

Heat

Grandma

I've got a husband, a grandson, and a boarding house full of people to be responsible for.

Arnold (to himself)

This heat's so crazy it's got Grandma acting normal.

Grandpa (on broken air-con)

There's a high-tech solution for everything... Arnold, go down to the store and buy some ice.

Eugene

I'll take a snow cone.

Jolly Olly Man

Eighteen dollars.

Eugene

All I have is seventy cents, what will that get me?

Jolly Olly Man (laughs)

Nothing!

The Jolly Olly Man

Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?

Helga

Well, I demand that you supply me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth out!

Kids

No ice cream, no peace!

Arnold

Hey! Let me tell you a little about my day, Mr. Jolly Olly Man. The brown-out cut off the air conditioning, my bag of ice melted before I could get it home, I couldn't get into the movies, or the city pool. And now when I finally found a little relief from the heat, a little ice cream. You snatched it away. You better sell me some ice cream at a fair price, or face the consequences.

The Jolly Olly Man

You can't do anything, you're just a kid.

Lana Vail

Arnold, a little cold air is that so much to ask, is it?

Helga and the Nanny

Miriam

I just have to go to work... somewhere.

(Mocking Big Bob, bowing theatrically)

Helga

All hail the Beeper King!

Arnold

Helga, are those flowers in your hair?

Helga

Yeah, you got a problem with it?

Stinky

Wow, Helga, you look just like the girl on the box of hot chocolate.

Helga on the Couch

Helga

I'm late for school and no one made my lunch.

Miriam

Oh, yeah, I did, honey, I put it out for you... it's... it's around here somewhere... (opens oven door) ...Oh, here it is!

Helga

Moist towelettes, an individual packet of crackers and... a can of shaving cream?

Miriam

How did that get in there? Uh-oh, uh-oh, that must mean the cheese fizz is in B's medicine cabinet.

Big Bob

AHHH!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RUN A BEEPER EMPORIUM WITH MY FACE SMELLING LIKE HICKORY SMOKED CHEDDAR, MIRIAM??!!

Dr. Bliss

Principal Wartz, I'm Dr. Bliss.

Principal Wartz

Oh, Dr. Bliss, I'm Principal Wartz. Welcome to P.S. 118.

Dr. Bliss

Thank you.

Principal Wartz (nervously)

What do you mean by that?

Dr. Bliss

Nothing.

Helga

What are you looking at?

Helga

Hey who's the skirt?

Helga

So I hit him, so what? Brainy he doesn't mind, I do it all the time. What? You would sock him too if he was standing behind you breathing.

Helga

I'm not angry.


Helga

That's obvious Bob.

Helga

So, are you a real doctor? I mean, if I suddenly had a heart attack, would you be able to save me?

Dr. Bliss

Well, there is a heart clinic upstairs, so this would actually be a very convenient place for you to have a heart attack.

Dr. Bliss

How about we try a little word association? Now, I'm going to read off this list of words, and I want you to say the next word that comes to mind.

Helga (to herself)

Steady girl, you can do it. Do not say Arnold.

Dr. Bliss

Love.

Helga

Hate.

Dr. Bliss

Rocket.

Helga

Locket... pocket... Davey Crocket!

Dr. Bliss

Football.

Helga

Head... ha... did I say head? I mean game. Football game.

Dr. Bliss

Monday.

Helga

Night Football. (falls out of chair) ...enough word association.

Dr. Bliss

Good Idea.

Big Bob

Uhhhhh... In a minute, Olga.

Little Helga

NO! I'm HELGA, Dad! HELGA!

Young Arnold

I like your bow.I like your bow 'cause its pink like your pants.

Young Helga

I love you, Arnold, and I want to marry you.

Helga

I love Arnold! There, I said it! I love him! I love him! Arnold! Arnold! Arnold! I'm absitively posolutly in love with the boy! I want to grow up having a fabulous life, traveling around the world with him! Coffee in Paris, roses sailboats, the whole nine yards, I want to have a perfume named after us "Arnold Helga!" I Love ARNOLD!!!!

Helga

Man. That was building up for a while

Dr. Bliss

I know. But you said it. And the world didn't end, did it?

Helga

(sighs) No. I guess I'm pretty sick, aren't I? I mean, I once sculpted Arnold's likeness out of wads of his used gum.

Dr. Bliss

You're not sick. You feel your feelings very strongly. You're very creative. (Pauses) Did you say used gum?

Helga

So it's okay to be obsessed about him? You know, the shrines, the 3 AM vigils, the chanted spells?

Dr. Bliss

As long as you're not hurting anyone it sounds like an okay way to express yourself.

Helga

So animal sacrifices are out?

Dr. Bliss

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Helga

If you ever tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue out and wrap it around your neck!

Helga

(collides with him and falls) Arnold!

Arnold

Sorry, Helga. (helps her up)

Helga

Arnold! I just want to say that, that... that you should watch where you're going, Football Head, quit crashing into me all the time! Sheesh! (Helga runs away.)

Arnold

Nice running into you too Helga.

Helga

(watches him from an alley) Look at him, all ticked off. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know my secret. What a sap! What a maroon! He still can't even tell. But I adore him! (looking at her locket) Ohhh, my football-headed love god! I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay! I love you! Love you! LOVE YOU!
(Brainy comes out of a corner and hands her a ring.)
Hey look Brainy, this is just weird. How is it that you're standing behind me again? How did you get in this little arch? Where you waiting for me to come into this alley? What's your deal? So, I am not gonna hit you this time, today I'm feeling generous, but tomorrow look out.

Helga vs. Big Patty

Helga

So the thing is, Patty, I realized you're a human being too, and you have felines...? ooh, ooh, feelings!

Patty (to Helga)

Hey, you and Arnold. Do you have some thing for each other?

Helga Blabs It All

Helga

Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what?
Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La.
Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little football head right know and tell him myself. (Phone rings she gets answering machine.)
Hello Arnold this is Helga yes Helga G. Pataki the girl that worships you yes wastes days of passionate thoughts about you ohh my angel sweet love ohh how I lo....(everyone laughs) AHHHHHHHHH!

Arnold

Did you hear something just now?

Helga

Ohhh brother why doesn't everyone I know just show up so they all can spend the rest of there lives in this hallway?

Helga Sleepwalks

  1. REDIRECT Helga Sleepwalks/Quotes

Helga's Boyfriend

Stinky

I'll die!

Arnold

You won't die, Stinky.

Stinky

No, I will, I'll die, laid down and die like an old dog.

Gerard
Hey, wasn't that Helga?
Arnold
Uh-huh.

Helga's Locket

Grandpa Phil

And you forgot your moustache!

Helga's Love Potion

  1. REDIRECT Helga's Love Potion/Quotes

Helga's Makeover

Arnold

Helga's a girl.

Gerald

She is? (Glances at Helga) Oh, yeah, I always forget.

Harold

Helga's not a girl. Helga's not a girl.

Helga

I am too a girl. I'm pretty. I'm feminine. I'm delicate. (Helga bumps into someone)

Man

Oh, excuse me young man.

Helga

I'm a girl!

Helga (at seeing Phoebe laugh at a joke about Helga)

Et tu, Phoebe?

Cashier

Yeah, um, how much is this magazine to make ugly girls look pretty?

Sid

I just saw Helga on her way to Rhonda's party and she was all dolled up... LIKE A GIRL!

Helga

You're right, Rhonda. I'm not like rest of you. I'm not wearing a mask. I mean, look at us! Tin foil in our hair? Glop on our faces? High-heeled shoes? Why are we wearing them? We're already taller than the boys!

Harold

The horror! The Horror!

Helga's Masquerade

  1. REDIRECT Helga's Masquerade/Quotes

Helga's Parrot (episode)

Parrot (repeating what Helga said)

Arnold, my love, my soultry preteen. Why must I hold you only whilst I dream? Will I be forever enslaved by your spell? Why must I worship you and never ever tell?

Helga

Trust me, you won't live long enough to tell!\

Big Bob (after parrot flies away)

Oh yeah? Well GOOD RIDDANCE!

Pet Store Salesgirl

Don't talk her out of buying it, kid. That lizard's been here so long, I'm teaching it to read.

Parrot (repeating what Big Bob said)

Pipe down! I'm watching the wheel!

Helga's Show

Stinky

Are you makin' fun on me on account of my love for lemon puddin'?

Phoebe

What good qualities can we say about Stinky?

Helga

Well, he floats.

(Helga is doing stand-up in the school juice bar)

Helga

My first impression is someone we all know. It's the first voice you hear in the morning, and it goes something like this:
(imitating Principal Wartz)
"Attention, students of P.S. 118, I have an important announcement. Henceforth, all lunch-related activities shall be conducted during the lunchtime period."
(normal voice)
Whoo, thanks for clearing that up, Principal Wartz.

Hey Arnold!: The Movie

Bridget

Who'd touched my button?!
(Arnold & Gerald are smiling in a slightly perverse way)

Arnold & Gerald

ME! ME!

Gerald

Do these belts come in any other color?

Bridget

Black or pink?

Gerald

Uh, we'll take black.

Arnold

What's wrong with old things? Some old things are great.

Harold

Yeah, like Mrs. Vitello.

Mrs. Vitello (Hitting Harold)

Whippersnapper!

Arnold

Grandma!

Ernie

She's still in jail.

Arnold

I thought they were keeping her one night.

Ernie Potts

Yeah, but she keeps trying to escape. Like she thinks it's a game. Fourth time they've brought her back in.

Helga

My brave little football-headed hero.

Arnold

I think I need to go lie down.

Helga

I'll go with you!

(Arnold, sees Gerald praying)

Arnold

I didn't know you were so religious.

Gerald

Neither did I.

Eugene Horowitz (singing)

This is our neighborhood! How can they tear it down! How can they turn our smile into a frown!

Arnold (turns off stereo)

No singing, Eugene.

Eugene Horowitz

But the occasion called for it.

Arnold

No, Eugene. No singing.

Stinky Peterson (about Scheck)

He sure gives me the willies.

Gerald

Yeah, but he looks good in a suit.

Arnold (annoyed)

Gerald...

Gerald

I know. I'm just saying.

Scheck

And I would of gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling football head, that kid with all the hair, and that brat with the one eyebrow.

Helga

Ah, tell it to the judge, donut hole.

Big Bob Pataki

I could get you that pony you've been wanting.

Helga

I wanted a pony when I was five, Dad.

Helga (as deep voice)

I'm everywhere and nowhere, but mostly I'm everywhere.

Helga

I wish I had a sign. (pigeon poops on her) Perfect.

Scheck (singing)

Life is just a bowl of cherries.

(at end of movie)

Arnold

Now you're looking on the bright side.

Gerald

Somebody has too.

Hey Harold!

Harold

Well, I think girls are stupid and I think dancing stupid too, and if I ever had to dance with a girl I bet I'd drop dead.

Harold

Stop it Ma, I'm not charming and I'm not handsome. I'm a big dumb ugly kid.

Harold

(Pounds on table) Stop it! You guys don't know what you're talking about. Her name's not Big Patty, it's Patty. And she's not clumsy and she's not dumb. Not only that, she's smart and she's nice and she's funny. I must be crazy to listen to you guys. Why do I care what you think? The only thing that matters is what I think. And what I think is I like Patty! And if anybody has a problem with that, I'll beat you up so bad it won't even be funny!

Hookey

Oskar

Eh. Heheheheh! Look! It's Buddy Love! And he's going coconuts!

It Girl

Helga

Everyone's talking like me and dressing like me!

Big Bob

Not everyone is dressing like you.

Miriam (Dressed as Helga)

Look everyone, I'm the it girl.

Helga

AHHHH!

Big Bob

I'm proud of you.

Helga

For what?

Big Bob

You know, scowling, shaking your fist, wearing that dress you do.

Helga

Dad, I've been scowling and wearing this dress for years.

Big Bob

Well... It's finally paying off!

Jamie O in Love

  1. REDIRECT Jamie O in Love/Quotes

Longest Monday

Stinky (Hides inside a trash can)

Talk about ironic.

Harold (coming down with 5th graders behind him)

Aaah! Mommy!

Sid (Sid is captured while the other escape)

No no don't get me. (cries)

(The boys board the local bus)

Gerald

Not a fifth-grader in sight.
(Arnold spots some 5th graders in the back of the bus)

Arnold (Points out)

Um, Gerald?

Gerald (Disappointed)

Except for those guys.

Love and Cheese

  1. REDIRECT Love and Cheese/Quotes

Magic Show

Harold

Come on, let's go already, I paid for this show!

Sid

Paid for it? It's free, you bonehead!

Helga

Oh brother, we're living in Geeksville.

Phoebe

I think he looks highly professional.

Helga

What, are you blind? Two pigeons just flew out of his pants!

Helga (on the "rubber" pencil)

It's the oldest trick in the book!

Helga (on disappearing box)

What a cheap trick!

Helga

Hey, If I'm a ghost, I can fly. (Helga jumps straight on to the road)

Helga

I can't believe it. They're happy I'm gone? Everybody was supposed to miss me! This can't be happening!

Person in Helga Costume (Person inside costume speaks through a voice box)

Doy. Doy. Doy. Doy. Move it, bucko! Move it, bucko!

Helga (on the road)

Oh wait, I forgot, I'm invisible.

Helga

Somebody miss me!

Arnold

All magicians know that it takes, uh, 48 attempts to bring someone back. So finally, here she is, Helga!

Married

Helga

Oh... Arnold and I are going to be married! It’s true! He did the test 110 times, and... despite the fact that the result revolted him... it always came out the same! Me and Arnold... MARRIED! Oh, it’s FATE! This is... wonderful...
(Arnold & Gerald head toward Arnold’s house)

Arnold

This is HORRIBLE!

Helga (in her closet)

I’m going to marry Arnold! It’s like a dream!

Arnold (in his room, ready to sleep)

It’s like a nightmare!

Helga (in her bed)

The one boy I’ve always hoped I would marry!

Arnold

One girl I NEVER WANNA marry! EVER!

Helga

Arnold... Arnold... (kisses her Arnold locket)

Arnold (dreaming)

I’m not going to marry Helga... I’m not going to marry Helga...

(In Arnold's dream, the bride is approaching...)

Gerald

Look sharp. Here comes your bride!

Arnold

Lila?

Helga (SHE'S the bride)

No such luck, football-head!

Helga

Say, "I do"

Arnold

But, I don't.

Helga

You do.

Arnold

I don't.

Helga

You don't.

Arnold

I do.

Helga

Gotcha!

Priest (quickly)

Do you, Helga, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?

Helga

You got it, padre! I mean, I do.

Arnold

You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Your eyes are like shining diamonds.

Helga

Aww, go on.

Arnold

All right, I'll stop.

Helga

No, I mean go on, go on.

(In Arnold's dream)

Helga

I guess you could say I love, I love...

Clock

Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!

Monkey Business

Helga (About the monkey)

Doesn't it do anything else?
(Later, in Helga's dream where she's the monkey)

Lady Observer

Can't she do anything else?!

Helga

I think you're... okay. I mean, you're a real okay, guy, and I think you're okay.

Arnold (Smiles and pats her on the arm)

Thanks, Helga, you're okay, too. (Leaves)

Helga

He thinks I'm okay and he touched me!
(Scene changes to outside)
Helga: And I'm not a monkey!

Helga (As a monkey)

Arnold, I love you, but I never had the guts to tell you.

Arnold

But you're not Helga, you're a monkey, a monkey girl.

Monkeyman!

Monkeyman

MONKEYMAAAAN!

Sid

Your not a superhero at all. Your just some selfish, caviar-eating, opera going, TUXEDO BOY!!!! (Monkeyman falls on the floor) Yeah, that's what you are... (Monkeyman flees and Sid raises his fists angrily) YEAHHH!!!

Monkeyman

Sid, what happened?

Sid

What happened?! I GOT MUGGED!!!!

Monkeyman

Mugged?

Sid

Yeah, you know 'mugged'. Right in front of the stinking OPERA HOUSE!!!

Sid

MONKEYMAN HELP!!! (goes to the window) MONKEEYMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!! (sinks to the bottom of the bush by the muggers as he still gets mugged while Monkeyman talks to the Mayor)

Muggers

Shut up! Where's your money?!

Monkeyman

A banana split?! What...is that and Slausen's... I'm not...I'm not clear.

Stinky

Willickers. Arnold's just sitting there like it's no big deal. Having a banana split with "The Monkeyman". (yawns) That boy leans a charmed life.

Mr. Green Runs

  1. REDIRECT Mr. Green Runs/Quotes

Mr. Hyunh Goes Country

Mr. Hyunh

But you see, Arnold and tall hair boy, I don’t want to be famous! I want to live my life simply! I like my banana wallpaper, I like doing my own laundry! Just give me the simple things!

Ms. Perfect

Lila

Don't worry, Daddy, we still have that can of beans in the fridge.

Mr. Sawyer (Dramatically)

No, we don't, I ate them for lunch! (Cries)

Helga (about Lila)

Well, everything's back to normal.

Rhonda

She's Little Miss Perfect again.

Phoebe

She's funny and smart and pretty and popular.

Helga

And you know what the worst part is? I like her.

'Rhonda', Nadine, Phoebe, and Sheena

Yeah, me too.

Mud Bowl

Wolfgang

We'll meet you tomorrow... on the gridiron. (Leaves)

Edmund (Off-screen)

What's a gridiron?

Wolfgang (Off-screen, whispers)

Shut up...

Gerald

We're going to beat them?

Arnold

Sorry, I got carried away.

Helga

Nice going head boy, now we're all going to get carried away, On stretchers! They're fifth graders! They older, bigger, more brutal.

Arnold

Size isn't everything Helga, maybe we're smarter.

Helga

Smarter, being smarter doesn't have to do with anything with football.

Helga

97
(Kids groan while doing push-ups.)

Helga

98
(Kids groan while doing push-ups.)

Helga

99! Come on! Get up! Walk it off. Let's go! We're going to practice everyday until I start seeing some improvement. And let's start thinking positively, think like winners, you bunch of losers.
(Harold vomits)

Helga

Any questions?

Harold

Ahh, I just throw up my protein drink! (Vomits again)

Phoebe

Perhaps we should let Arnold be quarterback for a while.

Helga

Phoebe! Have you lost your mind?!

Gerald

Look! If we don't run Arnold's plays, then I quit!

Mugged

Grandma

Be as the frog in the pond, Arnold.

Arnold (Into a mirror)

Hey! You talkin' to me? You... talkin' to me?

Grandpa Phil

No, I didn't say anything.

Arnold

Hey, I want you to leave those kids alone.

Mugger

Give me your purse, Granny!

Grandma

He can have it. It's just a purse, you know.

Mr. Hyunh

How big was this 'munk'?

Arnold (beaten up)

Big.

Mr. Hyunh

Big munk?!

Arnold

Big.

Mr. Hyunh

Big huh??!

Grandpa Phil

(to Hyunh) Oh simmer down, ya hotheaded looney.

New Bully on the Block

  1. REDIRECT New Bully on the Block/Quotes

New Teacher

Lt. Major Goose

You, what's your name?

Curly

Curly.

Lt. Major Goose

Your hair's not curly, boy! What's your real name?

Curly

Thaddeus.

Lt. Major Goose

Curly, go stand over there!

Lt. Major Goose

Hey! You, the remaining corner!

Stinky

Why?

Lt. Major Goose

*Stressed out* Symmetry!!!

Mr. Simmons'

Well, that's one way to respond by not responding. Silence: often speaks volumes.

Principal Wartz

It's like music to my ears.

Old Iron Man

Arnold
What's more important your friendship with Jimmy? Or trying to beat him in some crazy dangerous contest that could get you seriously hurt?
Grandpa
Um the second one yep the one that can get me hurt. I'm gonna kick Jimmy's butt even if it kills me!

Jimmy
Who are we kidding old man you're going down and so am I.
Grandpa
Oh you're right this is it Jimmy this is the end we're going to Davey Jone's Locker.
Jimmy
Kicking The Bucket.
Grandpa
Buying the water farm.
Jimmy
Checking out of the Hotel Of Life.
Grandpa
And Checking into the Hotel Of Death.
Jimmy
The Big Roundup.
Grandpa
The Last Tango In Paris.
Jimmy
Last Tango In Paris? that's not a euphemism for dying.
Grandpa
I know but it was my turn and I ran out of euphemisms and I didn't wanna lose the game.

Olga Comes Home

Olga (arrives home and walks over to greet Helga)

Toodles, Helga. How's my baby sister? (gives Helga a quick kiss on the cheek) You're growing into quite a lovely young lady.

Helga (smirking and being sarcastic)

Yeah, I'm a real beauty.

Helga

To change the grades... or not to change the grades... that is the question....

Helga

Suffer in her shadow, take sweet black revenge... suffer , revenge.... no contest (Helga decides to redo Olga's grades)

Olga (while lying in bed after getting a B plus)

"I'm never coming out of my room again. I— I've never even gotten an A-minus!"
Olga
Elizabethan Poetry...B+ ?!
Miriam and Bob
B+?!
Olga
I-I-I can't believe it!?
Miriam
It's not that bad, darling.
Olga
Yes it is, it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me! may I please be excused! (Runs out of the kitchen crying)
Helga
Mother, may I say, this soup is exquisite.

Big Bob (about Olga)

"She can't just sit around all day moping."

Miriam "Sure she can... I do."


Helga (eating chocolates)

One for Helga... none for Olga.

Arnold

I don't know, Helga. I've always wanted to have a brother or a sister. I always thought those relationships were kinda special.

Helga

Yeah, well, what do you know? Olga is evil. She's a pompous, overbearing, arrogant witch. Only, this time, I've got her beat.

Arnold

Okay. Forget I mentioned it.

Helga (on Arnold's advice)

If only I could be that kind... but I'm not, so that's that.

Helga (on her parents' concern for Olga)

Even when she's out of the way, she still ruins everything for me.
Helga: (Looks into Olga's bedroom, where she's still lying in bed crying) Oh, brother! Look at her in there, crying like a baby, feeling all sorry for herself, all because she thinks she got a B+. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. (slams Olga's bedroom door shut and starts to walk to her bedroom) Ah, much better.

Helga (in fantasy sequence)

What's it like to fly?

Arnold the Angel

Eh, it's OK.

Helga
Okay here's the deal, you didn't get a B+."
Olga
W-what? What are you talking about?
Helga
You got straight As, as usual, so I was jealous so I changed the grade. Got it?

Olga

You mean I really did get all As?

Helga

That's right, so you can get out of bed and prance around the house like Mary Sunshine again. You can go can go back to being the golden child and go ahead and tell Mom and Dad what I did, so they'll reward you and punish me like they always do. Everything's back to normal, bucko.

Olga

That was a pretty terrible thing to do.

Helga
Yeah yeah what's new? Go ahead, tell Mom and Dad.
Olga
Well I could do that, I should do that, but I'm not going to tell them.
Helga
Uh, what's your angle?
Olga
There is no angle Helga, they don't have to know everything that goes on between us. You must think I'm pretty lucky, all the attention I get from them. I have to perform all the time like some kind of wind-up doll, I get really sick of it. You're lucky they hardly even notice you.
Helga
(smiles slightly) Really?
Olga
(smiles back) Really.

Olga "Hey, what are sisters for?"

Helga

I don't know.

Olga
Tomorrow let's spend the day together, just you and me?

(Both Helga and Olga turn blue)

Helga
Oh, okay that might be nice.

Olga Gets Engaged

Miriam (when she hears about Olga getting married)

No, Olga! Don't make the same mistake I made!

Helga

Oh man, this guy's a total liar! If Olga marries him, her life will be ruined... Perfect!

Bob

So what's the stinkin' rush all about? get married in a year, if you still want to.

Miriam

You won't want to.

Olga

Mommy, Daddy, please don't be harsh...

Doug

It's okay, darling, you're parents just need time to adjust.

Big Bob

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you little twist top, Big Bob Pataki doesn't adjust, you got it?

Helga

Daddy, it's not fair to have Olga choose between her true love... and us.

Olga (tearfully)

Helga's right, Daddy, you're being an awful brute, and Mommy, you're not even trying to like Doug... I am so... miserable.
(Olga runs off crying and weeping to her bedroom)

Helga

If I play my cards right I can get rid of Olga for good.

Doug (his last lines)

I did like her, you know—even if I didn't actually love her. Hey, what's love anyway?

On the Lam

Stinky

I done went and sat on my hot sauce and now I gots hot pants!

Harold (Pretending to be a hobo, he gets asked if he's seen Harold, Stinky, and Sid)

No sir, and we don't know nothing about some police station!

Harold

We can't go to the authorities, WE JUST BLEW UP THE AUTHORITIES!!!!

Sid

WE BLEW UP THE POLICE STATION!!!!! Waaaaaah!!!!!

Ernie

No... I blew up the police station!!!!

Arnold

This is crazy. Listen to yourselves. Your 9 years old. And your gonna disguise yourselves, runaway and become hobos?!

Harold

THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD! AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP US! (scene goes black and another scene is shown Arnold tied up and mouth taped while Sid, Stinky and Harold are in incognito) Sorry Arnold. We just can't take the chance that you'll turn us in. Now let's catch a bus to the train yard. Ooooh, I can't wait to be a hobo!

Grandpa Phil

Hi, shortman. Done playing "secret agent"?

Arnold

(Arnold gets freed, and untapes his mouth and removes the dirty sock from his mouth) I wasn't playing "secret agent". I was bound and gagged for 2 hours.

Operation Ruthless

Arnold (practicing)

Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth.

(as they are about go into the Tunnel of Love)

Harold

I don't want to go into the Tunnel of Love with you, Rhonda!

Rhonda

Oh, you know you like me Harold.
(as she grabs him in the ride and as they head off into the Tunnel of Love)

Harold

I Do not. HELP! Let Me Go! LET ME GO!!


Helga

Make way! Shove over, sister. (Checks boy line) This is perfect. A little maneuvering and I'll be riding a swan with Arnold while Ruth winds up with some dumb slob. (Laughs) Helga, you're a genius. (Crashes into a girl) Shove over, sister!

Phoebe

Uh, Helga, just one question.

Helga

WHAT?! Are you implying that I have some sort of ulterior motive? That I'm after this Ruth person because she happens to be the object of some other kid's affections? Some certain young man that I may my own obsessive affection for? Is THAT your question?! Is THAT your question?!

Phoebe

No. Uh, actually I was gonna ask you which way to the bathroom.

Helga

Oh, they're right over there by the weiner stand. Oh, and Phoebe, this conversation NEVER happened.

Phoebe

Right.

Oskar Can't Read?

Oskar

Kitty, kitty, kitty, do you like to pet the kitty? I like to pet the kitty! Hey look! I'm petting the kitty!

Oskar

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Kid

Can't you read, mister, can't you read?

Oskar

(to Chocolate Boy) Hey you, little kid, how would you like to do me a favor? I need someone to read me the first page of this book again and again, until I can memorize it.

Chocolate Boy

What's in it for me? (scene later shows Chocolate Boy eating malted milk balls) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Ernie

I'll bet you 20 bucks you can't learn to read by the end of the month.

Mr. Hyunh

And I will bet you $50.

Oskar

OK. It's a bet.

Ernie

(to Hyunh) 50 bucks huh, Mr. High Roller?! Whoa!

Oskar

So Ernie and Mr. High Roller. I think you owe me some money.

Mr. Hyunh

I cant believe it. Oskar learned to read.

Oskar

OK, so it's true. I never learned how to read. Big deal.

Arnold

That's Ok. You can still learn.

Oskar

Ah, what for? I didn't need to read to become the successful man I am today.

Arnold

But you're a paperboy.

Oskar

What's your point?

Oskar

Nah, forget it. It's not important to me. Of course we can keep this little secret between us, okay? There's no reason for anybody else to know that 'Oskar can't read'.

Ernie Potts

OSKAR CAN'T READ?!!! (laughs)

Mr. Hyunh

(laughs) It's unbelievable!

Oskar

Who said I can't read?

Ernie Potts


You did just now, Kokoschka!!! Your probably just too dumb to learn!! (chuckles)

Arnold

A B C D E F G...

Oskar

H I C K N 2 B. Hey! I'm reading! :D

Arnold (Frustrated expression)

Oskar Gets a Job

Arnold

Will you stop talking like a talkshow host sidekick?!

Parents Day

  1. REDIRECT Parents Day/Quotes

Part Time Friends

Gerald
(in Arnold's dream as an old man) Aw, this seat's pretty crowded.
Arnold
(as an old man) Tell me about it. Sitting next to you is my worst nightmare!
Gerald
Just the thought of you makes me so mad I could... I could...uh...do you remember why we stopped talking to each other?
Arnold
Nope, I don't.
Gerald
Me neither.
Arnold
It was something about school.
Gerald
No it wasn't, it was about some stupid baseball game!
Arnold
It was school!
Gerald
Baseball!
Arnold
You're an old stubborn fool and you're losing your mind!
Gerald
You smell, you hardly have any of your own teeth, and I never liked you!
Arnold
The happiest day of my life is when we stopped talking to each other.
Grandpa
(as a rotting zombie speaking in a weak eerie voice) What did I tell you, short man? (laughs until his jaw cracks and breaks off)
Arnold
(screaming while waking up in present) Whoa! I can't let that happen to Gerald and me. I gotta go see him. (leaves to get his apron)

Arnold
Hey, don't blame everything on me! You're the one who's marching around here giving orders like you're Napoleon or something!
Gerald
Well, if you had your way, you'd work on one flower arrangement all week!
Arnold
So?
Gerald
So? (goes up to flower statue) Look at this.
Arnold
This is art.
Gerald
Arnold, you're wasting flowers, you're wasting time, and most of all, you're wasting money!
Arnold
If you're so perfect, Gerald, why don't you just run the store by yourself?
Gerald
What are you talking about? Listen, do you feel I'm out of line?
Arnold
I do, and I quit!
Gerald
You can't quit 'cause you're fired!
Arnold
Too late! I quit!
Gerald
Aw, you just can't find good help anymore!

Partners

  1. REDIRECT Partners/Quotes

Phoebe Breaks a Leg

  1. REDIRECT Phoebe Breaks a Leg/Quotes

Phoebe Cheats

Mr. Simmons (Reading Phoebe's poem in front of the class)

I hear your name, like a bell, ringing, ringing, in my heart.

Phoebe
(to the statue of Emily Dickenson) What do you want from me?!
Emily
If it isn't Little Miss Smarty Pants
Phoebe
You're an inanimate object!  You can't talk!
Emily
And YOU can't write poetry!
Phoebe
I'm not listening!
Emily
(in a soft menacing voice) Cheater...!  Cheater....!
Phoebe
(squeals hiding her face then peeks back out)
Emily
...cheater :)
Phoebe
(screaming) AHH!!!

Wartz
Is that true young lady? Did you really write a wonderful poem?
Phoebe
Oh sir, I can't write...
Wartz
Ah nonsense. We're proud of our multi-cultural students here at PS 118. Where do you come from Phoebe?
Phoebe
Kentucky, sir.
Wartz
Phoebe, let's make Ken-Tuk-Ay proud on Thursday.

Phoebe Skips

Phoebe (jumping on her bed)

I get to go to the sixth grade! I get to go to the sixth grade!

Phoebe
Hello, I'm Phoebe Heyerdahl and I've just been promoted from the fourth grade.
Mr. Frank
I suppose you think that makes you special or something... Grab a seat...

Mr. Frank
Now which one of you special people is going to grace me with your presence up here at the black board... How about you Maria...?
Maria
Gosh, I'd love to sir, I really would. Only... I think Phoebe had her hand up first.
Mr. Frank
Whatever, I just need a body...

Helga
Criminy! I'm running out of stooges!

Phoebe Takes the Fall

  1. REDIRECT Phoebe Takes the Fall/Quotes

Phoebe's Little Problem

Arnold

Phoebe don't you think you're overreacting?

Phoebe

No Arnold, I think I'm being perfectly rational considering the circumstances.

Arnold

Come on Phoebe, you know you can't run away from this, this farting thing.

Phoebe

I'm sorry Arnold but I've made up my mind. As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. No pun intended.

Mr. Simmons

Now people one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embrassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her. And if she comes back to school we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again What do ya say?
Okay if we pull this off then tomororw's Movie Day.

Class

YAY!!!

Stinky

If our dear friend Phoebe went away, we wouldn't know just what to say.
If I could wish upon a star, I'd wish you'd stay here where you are.
If you go, then we'll be blue. All us kids and Mr. Simmons too.
It seems a shame that we'd be parted. Just on a counta, you farted.

Helga

Look Phoebe you gotta snap out of this. I mean criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleepover you do it all the time. You rip'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out.

Phoebe

Just get out.

Harold

I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! Hahahahaha! (Instantly, he wets his pants) Uh-oh!

Sid

Look! Harold wet his pants![Connie appeared to be the first person to hear that.]

Phoebe (after coming back to school, makes an announcement)

Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl--4th grader, straight A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. I accidentally... (is nervous to say the word)... uh, well, I accidentally passed—went... (finds the courage) Heck, I'm just gonna say it: I farted! (the kids laugh out loud) Yes, I let one rip, I honked a big jawber, blew the tuba, popped a wafter. You all thought it was pretty funny. (kids stop laughing seeing how furious see is) I guess if I were in your shoes, I think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just that girl who farted—and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of; I think YOU'RE the ones who should be ashamed!

Helga (having just failed at cheering Phoebe up to Arnold)

Well, it's all up to you now, footballhead.

Arnold (walks in)

Phoebe? Do you feel any better?

Phoebe(emerges from under blanket showing trust in Arnold)

Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever going to forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated.

Arnold

That's not true.

Phoebe

Get real Arnold! 9 years of living have been reduced to one, to one, solitary fart!

Arnold

Come on Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that.

Phoebe

Well of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat, and clean, and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm VERY good at checkers!

Arnold

Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world. Or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.

Phoebe

I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them.

Arnold (Arnold's final line of the series)

If you can't face the class, how will you ever face yourself?

Stinky

Harold wet his pants! Aaahahahaha

Harold

Waaaaaa! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Rhonda (to Phoebe)

He is never going to hear the end of it

Harold (offscreen and still crying)

Oh no! (final line of Hey Arnold)

Pigeon Man (episode)

Stinky (About Pigeon Man)

Does he bite?

Arnold

(After seeing Pigeon Man's home in ruins) ...What?! This is awful! Who did this?

Pigeon Man

...People...

Arnold

We can rebuild the cages, sweep up; your birds will come back.

Pigeon Man

Of course they'll come back: They're birds. I trust them. I understand them. It's people I don't understand...You see, Arnold, it's time for me to leave here. Some people are meant to be with people, and others, like me, are just different.

Arnold

Pigeon Man, wait. None of this would've happened if I hadn't—

Pigeon Man

Arnold, don't be sad. You taught me that some people can be trusted... And I'll never forget that.

Arnold

Where will you go?

Pigeon Man

Somewhere I can live in peace with my friends. Don't you see? I have a mission to help pigeons everywhere. Wherever there's a bird in need of seed; I'll be there. Wherever there's a helpless flock suffering some abuse; I'll be there. Wherever there's a pigeon with a weak wing or a broken beak; I'll be there.

Arnold

Vincent?

Pigeon Man

I just hope there's another Arnold where I go next. (A flock of pigeons gather and take him away) Remember, Arnold, always wash your berries before you eat them...And fly towards the sun!

Arnold

Goodbye, Pigeon Man.

Polishing Rhonda

Rhonda (About her progress report)

Pushy, self-obsessed, and materialistic?! Madame this is an outrage. There must be some mistake!

Rhonda

And how am I supposed to get punch with you just standing there?

Patty

Try saying the magic word?

Rhonda

Move?

Pre-Teen Scream

  1. REDIRECT Pre-Teen Scream/Quotes

Principal Simmons

Simmons

PS 118 needs you back!

Wartz

Excuse me a moment. (closes door, starts singing and dancing with a doll) They want me back! They want me back! They want me back! Woo-hoo! (opens the door, gets serious face) Please come in.

Harold

(Holding the megaphone) NO BOUNDARIES! NO ONE'S IN CHARGE! IT'S VERY SPECIAL!!!

Quantity Time

Big Bob (Thinking)

Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.

Helga (Thinking)

Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.

Ransom

Curly

Yeah, I like Licorice, so what? Kidnapping is not my game — too messy!

Curly

Alright I'll tell ya but you have to keep it under your hatsee.

Curly

I was at a ballet lesson Madame Bovary's school for boys.

Gerald

Ballet lessons? Oh, come on.

Curly (Dancing)

Plié, jeté. See, I ain't joking.

Gerald

Hey, he's pretty good.

Arnold

All right, he checks out.

Harold (To Arnold and Gerald)

You call me Slim one more time, I'll knock your teeth off!

Gerald
See anything?
Arnold
No but there is a yellow gedling in those branches up there.
Gerald
Is this a stake out or a meeting of the auto bond society?

Rhonda Goes Broke

Rhonda

There is no way I'm going to recycle bottles and cans to pay for my lunch! (Scene changes; shows her digging through a dumpster)

Ernie Potts

I've always looked forward to my weekly shower. I've left a little backhair in the drain. Sorry. Might want to clean it out before you rubba-dub-dub. HAHAHA!!!!

Rhonda

Fine, I admit it. I'm poor, P-O-O-R POOR!!! I don't have nice new clothes anymore, I can't afford lunch or bus fare and now my family has to live well below earth sacreful comfort level in the dumping old boarding house, AHHHHH!!!!!

Arnold

Rhonda, come on. Dinner's ready.

Rhonda

What's the point of eating when your poor? After all I'm only going to die of misery, anyway.

Rhonda

(after being flunged by the Murphy Bed in which Arnold puts her back down, seeing her in a tantrum) I HATE THIS BED!!! I HATE THIS STUPID PLACE!!!! AND I HATE BEING POOR!!!!! I only know how to be rich. Being rich is the one thing I'M REALLY GOOD AT!!!

Arnold

Listen to yourself, Pathetic. I mean just because your not rich anymore, doesn't mean your a different person. You were Rhonda when you had money and you can still be the same Rhonda now that you don't. Unless being rich is all you're about.

Grandpa Phil

So welcome to the Sunset Arms. If you need any help, just ask Pooky. She's the brains of the operation. (sees Grandma in a conquisador's outfit chasing Abner) Pooky don't run, remember your hip. (hears something break) Too late.

Grandma

I claim this dining room in the name of Spain (puts plate on the table). OLE!

Mr. Hyunh

(to possibly his daughter, he is seen in just a robe with a running nose) Goodbye. (coughs) I have a very bad chest cold. Very contagious. Need to make a call?

Stinky

I never thought I'd seen the day. Rhonda Lloyd is broker than me.

Stinky

55 Cents? Aw, they raised the bus fair another nickle.

Rhonda's Glasses

Rhonda

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

Rich Guy

  1. REDIRECT Rich Guy/Quotes

Rich Kid

  1. REDIRECT Rich Kid/Quotes

Road Trip

Helga

Me, Mom and Dad are supposed to visit my grandma in South Dakota.

Arnold

Sounds like fun.

Helga

I'd rather have a root canal.

Helga

Great! You lost the directions; we’re totally lost on the road to nowhere, with a map of Wankyland!

Helga

Mom, please tell me you didn’t leave your purse on top of the car again!

Miriam

Helga, you know, I think that that is exactly what happened.

Roller Coaster

(as Arnold and Eugene Horowitz are going in a Roller Coaster)

Gerald

He's a brave boy...

Sid

He's a goner...


Harold

He's a saint — he gave me his tokens...

Roughin' It

(on a camping trip, Grandpa is showing Arnold and Gerald survival skills. Gerald is eating red berries. Arnold is eating green berries)

Grandpa

Now, only do this under adult supervision. Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.

Arnold (swallows)

I thought it was green and sweet are good to eat.

Grandpa

No, I've been saying it all morning. Red and sweet. Red and sweet.

Arnold

Excuse me a minute. (Arnold runs off screen and vomits)

Grandpa

You're vomiting, aren't you, Arnold?


Arnold

What's scat?

Grandpa

You know, scat. Droppings. Like what you're standing in.



Grandpa

Everything in nature is beautiful. Unless it's ugly.

(On a hike through the woods)

Big Bob Pataki

Ugh! It's getting kind of cold. I think I should turn down this air breeze a little. (Turns knob and it explodes, sending Bob into a tree)

Phoebe

Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?

Big Bob Pataki

Am I okay? Look at me! The food's gone! The air breeze doesn't work! And to top it all off we're lost!

Helga

Lost? I thought you knew where we were!

Big Bob Pataki

I've been lost ever since I saw those signs in Spanish.

(after the pathfinder breaks)

Big Bob Pataki

Cheap piece of junk. I'll sell thousands.

Arnold (using his instincts)

Camp, should be right... there!
(the group cheers happily)

Arnold

But we've got to follow this path around because.

Big Bob

Forget the path, kid! Camp's right there! (runs through the tall bushes alone and back into the camp cheering to himself)

Arnold

I was just going to say, because that's Poison Ivy.

Runaway Float

  1. REDIRECT Runaway Float/Quotes

Sally's Comet

Gerald (on the comet)

70 years? Where is it the rest of the time?

Oskar

Eat cereal, get a telescope. What a country.

Helga

I'm sick of cereal. I'm sick of milk. I'm sick of all these football-headed schemes.

Arnold (Arnold on why not just dump the cereal)

There are children who are starving.

Harold

I'm starving right here.

Gerald (yelling to the populace)

Turn off ya lights!

Young Phil

Dad, if only those lights weren't burning so bright.

Phil's Dad

I can take care of that. (He pours water on gaslight so Phil can see the comet)

Phil (about Hawk Mountain)

I fell off the mountain and broke every bone in my body.

Gerald (on traffic to Hawk Mountain)

Man, this is insane!

Nocturnal Ned

Too bad you can't do that on the air, now excuse me, I have to go back on live... (Ned has a "whoops, looks like they did" look on his face as he sees the "on the air" indicator is already on)

Grandpa

Oh my — look up, boys, look up! 23 skidoo! Heh heh! Boys, you're gonna remember this for the rest of your lives!

Grandpa (on the next time Sally's comet comes along, Arnold and Gerald will be watching)

I won't be, because I'll be... you know"

Grandpa (to Gerald, last line of the ep)

Would you stop callin' me Phil?!

Save the Tree

Sid

We threw away everything but the kitchen sink! (gets the kitchen sink) Okay, here goes!

Nick Vermicelli

This time I'll be a 50% partner.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

40.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

30.

Big Bob Pataki

20.

Nick Vermicelli

Deal.

Arnold

If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it.
(Cup misses lever)

Helga (Mimicking Arnold)

If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it.

Arnold (Thinking)

I hope they stop in time.

Helga (Thinking)

Gosh, he smells so good.

Stinky

Oh no! It's Big Bob!

Sid

And... some other guy!

School Dance

  1. REDIRECT School Dance/Quotes

School Play

Helga (Trying to scare Sheena)

You know about the end, right? She's in a crypt, you know, a mausoleum, full of dead rotting corpses and bats. (Getting steadily creepier) And then she takes this big, sharp, rusty dagger... and she holds it up high over her head... and then (Feigns stabbing herself and gasping in pain) Oh, it's great. Real bloody, violent stuff.

Helga (Mutters quietly)

I like Arnold.

Lila

Pardon? I couldn't hear you.

Helga (Mutters slightly louder, but faster)

I like Arnold.

Lila

I'm sorry, Helga, you're mumbling.

Helga (Practically screams to her face)

I LIKE ARNOLD. (Pants) I'm head over heels, loop-de-loo, over the moon. I'm in love with the boy!. (Pants) Happy now? Happy?

Lila (Stares at her, then smiles cooly)

I kinda had a feeling you liked him.

Mr. Hyunh

Why can't you act like a normal person?

Oskar

Me? What about you? You're wearing a dress!

Mr. Hyunh (to Arnold)

Now I believe you should be Romeo. And I will be Juliette!

Helga (acting)

Go get the hands, for I will not away...

Sid (also acting)

Okey-dokey!

Sid and Germs

  1. REDIRECT Sid and Germs/Quotes

Sid the Vampire Slayer

Vampire
I want to suck your blood!
Woman
No get away NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Stinky Vampire
I want to suck your bloood!
Sid
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No get away NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sid's Revenge

  1. REDIRECT Sid's Revenge/Quotes

Snow

(the residents are moaning about the furnace breaking)

Grandpa

This is nothing. You should have been here in the winter of '49 if you want real cold!

Mr Hyunh

I don't care, I was in Vietnam in 1949... plus I was not born yet!

Grandpa

That's the problem with society today.

Arnold

What, we got no work ethic?

Grandpa

No, you got no play ethic!

Spelling Bee

Arnold (practicing his spelling)

Phlegm. P-h-l-e... uh....

Grandpa (coming in with cookies and milk)

g-m, phlegm. When you get to be my age, that's a word you use a lot. Milk and cookies?

Moderator

Alright Helga, you're next, and your word is: "qualm" (she pronouces it as "kwallm").

Helga

Lets see, qualm: Q-u-a-LLL... (shrugging her hands out as if to say "I dunno") X?

Moderator

That is incorrect. Arnold is the new champion!

Steely Phil

Grandpa
Chinese Checkers is a game of marbles, and I've already lost most of mine.

Stinky Goes Hollywood

Stinky

Ya-Hoo Soda, just drink it.

Stinky's Pumpkin

Stinky (after his father commented on the strange weather)

I know, and all in the same dang week!

Stinky

Try, try, and try again, till you can't try no longer. And if that don't work, you just spent a whole lot of time tryin' to do somethin' you just couldn't do.

Mayor Dixie

Wow! That is... the biggest vegetable... I've ever seen. First prize goes to...

Stinky

Stinky Peterson, Ma'am.

Stoop Kid (episode)

Gerald

He'll chase you down and pulverize you.

Arnold

How can he if he never leaves his stoop?

Harold

Hey, Stoop Kid, you baby. Where's your diapers? Little baby Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop. (laughs)

Stoop Kid

Come here, fat boy!

People

Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop! Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop!

Stoop Kid

I think I can! I think I can!

Stuck in a Tree

Harold

Arnold and Eugene stuck in a tree, S-T-U-K in a tree!

Chocolate Boy (Reciting)

Go to the fire station, tell them we're stuck in a tree, and don't stop for chocolate. Stuck in fire station...

Harold

Let's see, two nickels, that's fifteen cents! I'll be right back.

Arnold

Go diectly to the fire station, tell them we're stuck a tree, and whatever you do, don't stop for chocolate.

Chocolate Boy

Got it! Go to the fire station, tell them you're stuck up a tree, and don't stop except for chocolate.

Arnold

No! Go the fire station, tell them were stuck in a tree, and don't stop for chocolate.

Chocolate Boy

Go to the tree, tell them you're stuck in the fire station, and don't stop except for chocolate.

Student Teacher

Harold

Hey, look, it's Helga the bed wetter. (laughs)

Olga
(entering airport and finishes greeting her parent's) Now, where's my baby sis?
Olga
(looking around and see's Helga sitting down with Bob's coat wrapped around her) There's my baby sis!
Helga
(looking up) Gee, Olga. Nothing gets by you.
Olga
Oh Helga! You're such a silly! Now come here and give your big sis a kiss and a hug! (leans forward to hug and kiss Helga)
Olga
(in the backseat of the car with Helga) Now, baby sis, we've never really been close. I want us to really bond this time and become much closer. So I have a surprise for you but I can't reveal it until tomorrow.
Helga
(visibly anxious) Moans

Helga
(talking to Olga at home) Look Olga, I've put in a lot of hard work to get where I'm at in P.S. 118. I don't want you to say or do something that could blow it all away.
Olga
I would never do that.
Helga
Oh come on, Olga! You're just saying that.
Olga
No, I'm not. I really mean it Helga, you're my baby sis. (raises up a baby picture of Helga)

Olga
(happy with anticipation when Helga is in her bedroom during another evening) What is it baby sis? Do you need help with your home work? Oh, gosh, isn't this great? We're really starting to get along.
Helga
(pacing then turns to look at Olga) No, it's not. It's rotten.
Olga
(perplexed and surprised) Rotten! But how could it be rotten!
Helga
Look Olga, you think that just by being around we can get along. But we can't. The truth is, I can't stand you.
Olga
(sobbing) What! You hate me, baby sis! And there is nothing I can do!
Helga
Well, there is something you can do.
Olga
What baby sis?! I'll do anything. Just tell me what to do.

Helga
(talking to Olga at the airport) Look Olga, the farther away you are, the closer we'll be.
Olga
(tearful) But I don't understand. I don't know when I'll see you again.
Helga
The Inuit children need you. Go to Alaska. We'll see each other again.
Olga
Ok. I will.

Summer Love

Helga

What the heck is going on here? I'm gone for two lousy minutes and some bimbo is moving in on my territory?! Well, fat chance I'm gonna let that happen. Arnold is gonna be mine on this vacation, and no little beach chippie is gonna come between us!

Grandpa Phil (To ducks, suddenly realizing he was hallucinating)

Wait a minute, you're not my ancestors, you're a bunch of ducks.

Grandpa Phil (Picks up shell)

Hello, 911? This is Grandpa!

Sandy

So you sure he doesn't have a clue?

Summer

Arnold? No way! He's pathetic. He's in love with me. I could probally get him to build me five sandcastles.

Sandy

But we just need one, baby.

Summer

I know -- one sandcastle, we get first prize, I totally blow off Arnold and get to be on Babewatch, this plan worked out so perfectly.
(Summer and Sandy kiss passionately)

Helga (to crushed Arnold)

I'm sorry, Arnold.

Arnold

You were right the whole time, Helga.
(Summer walks over to where they are)

Summer

Oh Arnold, there you are! Ready to build our winning sandcastle?

Arnold

Forget it, Summer; I'm on to you! I know you think I'm pathetic and I know you've been lying to me this whole time.

Summer (surprised)

Arnold, I---

Arnold

I just heard you and that Sandy guy. You were just using me.

Summer (shocked)

But--

Arnold

I'm not building any sandcastle with you, ever. Goodbye, Summer.

Helga

Goodbye, Autumn! It's been a blast. Too bad your evil plan fell flat on its face!

Arnold

Sorry I didn't listen to you, Helga. I guess you were really just trying to be my friend.

Helga

Well, I figured it was the right thing to do; I mean, she was taking advantage of you and I couldn't just-- Well, hey, what the heck are we standing here talking for? We got a sandcastle competition to win. Come on!

Miriam
Bob, where you been? And you were right: the beach is incredible! I want to come back next year.
Big Bob
There isn't gonna be a next year, Miriam: we're never coming back to this forsaken dump; we're leaving right now!
Miriam
(Laugh) Bob, you're such a kidder! (Hits Bob on the back, still laughing as Bob screams)

Guy
... and the Winners of this year Sandcastle Competition are Arnold and Helga! Congratulations, guys! For first prize both of you will be appeared in the hit TV Show Babewatch filmed right here in our beach!
Helga
That right, me. I'm The Winning Girl.
(Summer Cries)
Sandy
It'll be alright... (Summer punches his stomach) OW!
Summer
You and I are so through! (Summer keeps crying)

Suspended

Harold (when he saw a D+ on his paper)

Oh, I hate school. I wish I never have to go to school again.

Arnold

Come on, Harold, it's not that bad.

Harold

Yes, it is! We're trapped in here day after day, doing boring stuff, and standing in line for cold crappy food that they don't even give me time to eat! Oh, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just wish there was some way to get out of school and get to stay home and be free!

Principal Wartz

Repeat slowly after me.

Harold

Slowly after me...

Principal Wartz

No! Not yet. Ok, I won't enter the school ground for the next three weeks.


Harold

I won't enter the school ground for the next three weeks.

Principal Wartz

Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Harold

Good, I'll see you in three weeks.

Principal Wartz

Harold.

Harold

Harold.

Principal Wartz

Do'h.

Harold (incognito as an Italian pizza delivery man)

(to Principal Wartz) Someone ordered a pizza for the teacher's lounge?

Principal Wartz

What are you doing, Harold?

Harold

(in a fake Italian accent) Whad'ya talkin about? I'm not...Harold...Im a little old Italian man delivering a pizza. See, I... I... even have a mustache. (Wartz rips off mustache) OWW!!!

Principal Wartz

That's another week of suspension for you, young man.

Harold

Awww!!!

Principal Wartz (after seeing Harold planning to go to school once again)

Well, well, well, so you just keep pushing your luck mister. I'm afriad it's another week of suspension for you.

Harold

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Arnold

Principal Wartz, look at him. (Harold crying) Don't you think he learned his lesson?

Principal Wartz

Rules are rules young man.

Arnold

But come on, hasen't he suffered enough?!

Principal Wart

Son, the school constitution has very strict previsions, now don't test my patience.

Arnold

But your not being reasonable. Your acting like a tyrant.

Principal Wartz

(angry) THAT'S IT!!! I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BACKTALK!!! YOUR SUSPENDED FOR TWO DAYS!!!!

Arnold

What? You gotta be kidding?!

Principal Wartz

You want to make it a week? (Arnold with a sad look)

Harold (being covered in hot cheese because the janitor poured it in the trash)

Stupid cheese?!!!

Wolfgang

I'm a fireman!!! Woohoo!!! I'm a fireman!!! (sees Principal Wartz angry) Oops!

Principal Wartz

(angry) Wolfgang, that is a flagrant violation of school safety rules (takes away the fire extinguisher from Wolfgang) not to mention federal law, your suspended.

Wolfgang

What?

Principal Wartz

You heard me, (puts away the fire extinguisher back into its case) you are hereby order to stay out of the school for one entire week!



Harold

(after his fire extinguisher plan failed) Hey, that stupid dork was suppose to suspend me.

Principal Wartz

Harold, did you just call me a stupid dork?

Harold

NO, NO NO NO.... (realizes he could be suspended for doing that) I mean yes, I did call you a STUPID DORK!!!

Principal Wartz

That's a violation of the school constitution, article 54, section C, paragraph 2, your suspended.

Harold

Yes. I mean...Awwww Geee?!

Marilyn Berman

Harold honey. Your shredded meat is on the table.

Harold

No thanks, mother dear. I want to get to school EARLY today to get a headstart on my work.

Jerry Berman

Has he been eating the instant coffee again?

Synchronized Swimming

Gerald (About Coach Wittenberg)

But, Arnold, every time we even talk to him, he wants us to join some crazy team!

Coach Wittenberg

Boys, I want you to join this crazy team.

Teachers' Strike

Teachers

No chalk, no teachers! No chalk, no teachers!

Principal Wartz

Where do you think you're going?

Arnold

Back to school.

Gerald

There are teachers everywhere!

Harold

It's like one of those horror movies!

Helga

Except for the fact it's real, pink boy!

The Aptitude Test

Helga

I'll show them. I'm me the most mountain, nature-loving girl the Aptidute has ever seen. (Whacks a pine cone with a stick)

Eugene

5, 6, 7, 8, and— (Gets hit with the pine cone)

Helga

(Making arts & crafts out of pine cone) This really helps to pass the time. Oh yeah, the hours just go flying by when you reduce the scope of your entire world to all the stuff you can make out of a crummy pine cone!

Mr. Simmons

...So actually, Helga's results were quite exceptional. I'm deeply sorry for the heartache this must have caused you and your-

Bob

(Rummaging through his fridge) Fine, fine, whatever. Is this gonna cost me anything?

Mr. Simmons

No of course not.

Helga

I knew it! I'm a literary giant! I can be anything I want to be! Thank heavens I didn't throw away my poems and diaries, they'll be collector's items some day... "Portrait of the Artist as a Girl Genius"! (walks into living room)

Miriam

(Dumping box of Helga's journals into the fireplace)

Helga

(screams)

The Baseball

Mickey Kaline (to Arnold)

Y'know, kid, since I was seven years old the only thing I ever wanted to do was play baseball. I loved every minute of it. From the first time I played catch with my dad to the home run I hit this afternoon. And, well... thanks, kid.

Mr. Potts (about Kaline): Kaline's a BUM!

The Beeper Queen

Helga

Mom?

Miriam

Helga? What on earth are you doing here?

Helga

I need you for a minute, Mom. I mean, I need to talk to you.

Miriam

You need me for a minute, Mom. Listen, I am sorry, Helga, but this is just not a good time. I mean, we'll be back on in five minutes and they need me. So whatever it is, it'll just have to wait until later, okay? So, go on, bye-bye, go do your homework or something.

The Big Scoop

  1. REDIRECT The Big Scoop/Quotes

Cool Jerk

Helga (to Harold being hit by a dodgeball)

You're fine, Rudolph.

Gerald

I was talking to my man Fuzzy Slippers, and he says Frankie G. is bad news.

Frankie

See you tomorrow, Arnold.

Arnold

See ya, Frankie.

Gerald

There something I don't like about that Frankie G guy.

Arnold

Well maybe you're just bummed cause there's actually someone around cooler than you for a change.

Frankie

I said you're okay! You got potential!

Arnold

You want my pencil?

Gerald

Fuzzy Slippers tells no lies, man.

Gerald

Who'd you say was the coolest again?

Arnold

You're a Bold kid, Gerald.

Gerald

Wait a minute. That's my line.

The Flood

Harold (sobbing)

I'm so close to the food! So close and yet so far away!

Helga (to Harold)

Aw, put a sock in it! The rest of us can't live off our bulk like you can.

Mr. Simmons (to Helga)

Young lady, I'm warning you.

Helga

What are you gonna do, make me stay after school?

Stinky

Helga, you're just too dang ornery!

Helga

Here's how much I care what you think. (snaps finger)

Helga
(falls in water) AAAAAAH!!
Arnold
NOOO!
Helga
ARNOLD!

The Haunted Train

Arnold

Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy

Um. (wheeze) I dunno.

Arnold

I think you set us up Grandpa there is no haunted train.

Grandpa

Well, now I didn’t say that.

Helga

That's it that's it I'm out of here this is ridiculous there is no haunted train there is no mad engineer!
And you two chuckleheads are driving me nuts! And stop playing that harmonica!

Arnold

I'm not playing that harmonica
Arnold: (play his harmonica)
Gerald: (singing in a Blues style)
They say he lost his mind
Went crazy on that day.
Ran his train right off the tracks.
And drove it straight to...hey!
Where's the engineer?
Been waiting all night long
Better show up soon
Or I'ma have to say so long
Whoo-whoooooooooooooo!!!!!!
Been waiting on the haunted train!

The High Life

Gerald

What am I gonna do now, Smart Guy? AWWWWWW!!! (sobs)

The Journal

Grandpa (Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption)

"It was terrifying and beautiful all at the same time." (to Grandma) Kind of like you, Pookie.

Phil (reading journal)

It was the hottest night the jungle had ever seen, and I'm not talking Centigrade. Stella was unbelievably beautiful, wearing nothing but a smile--whoops, time for bed Shortman!

Arnold

But Grandpa, it's only six o'clock.

Phil

Well, go order us some dinner then.
(Arnold leaves, and Phil tears the page he was reading out and puts it in his pocket)
Whoo, that was close.

Phil (to Arnold)

They should have named you Phil.

Phil (reading Miles' journal)

"Tomorrow I will propose to Stella".

Arnold

Does she say yes?

Phil (sarcastically)

Why no Arnold!

(after reading about Arnold's birth)

Arnold

So, did my parents go back to their village after that?

Grandpa (sarcastically)

No, you all lived in a temple surrounded by hot, boiling lava.

Grandma

But where did they go to the bathroom?

Grandpa

Yet another mystery.

Grandpa

Never get old, Arnold, never get old!

Priest Translator (to Stella and Miles)

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. —
(Pookie interrupts the story with a belch)

Grandpa

Pookey, I got a roll of tape, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandpa (singing before eating Chinese food)

Chop suey, chicken chop suey, it's so hard to beat thee, smell of soy, no bok choy, I'm so happy to eat thee!

The List

Gerald

The list for a kid's perfect Saturday: watch every cartoon from Six AM 'til Dance Craze, while eating three bowls of sugar chunk cereal; ride your bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, and you all know which one that is; play catch with every kid in the park; and finally, go to the movies and sit through it three times!

Guy on TV

Mutant robots from outer space, spitting bacteria that eat your face... (TV melts)

Grandpa

Hmmm... looks like I got the 220 mixed up with the 660.

The Little Pink Book

Helga

Those poems weren't meant to be seen until I am dead and buried and worms have consumed my flesh.

Helga (referring to Arnold's room)

I'm in his room, the place I have often visited in my dreams.

Helga

Oh my gosh! What is that shampoo?

Arnold

So far, we know our suspect is female, lives in the tri-state area, and is somewhere between the ages of eight... and eighty-seven.

Helga

First spitball of the day football head.

Arnold

So Gerald, when these results come out we'll we finally find out who wrote the poems?

Gerald

No I was just making hot chocolate.

The Old Building

Arnold

No, you see, I told Grandma I’d help save the same building I told Ernie I’d help destroy!

The Pig War

(Arnold and his friends built a wooden pig and are hiding in it while

Grandpa pulls it to the "British" fort)

Helga

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Arnold

Look. It worked on the Trojans because their enemies knew they were tired of all the fighting.

Grandpa

It worked on the Trojans because the Greeks knew when to keep quiet.

(after Grandpa wheels up a giant wooden pig as a surrender gift)

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Savor this moment, grandson, when your enemy surrenders. Open the gate!

Gate Opener

Sir, there is a certain historical event I think we should consider.

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Your job is not to consider! Your job is to blow the hunting horn! Now open the gate!
(the gate is opened and Arnold and his friends run out of the pig as soon as it is inside)

(After Smythe-Higgins crashes into a tree branch.)

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Oh, curses! You minion: Cut short this foul hemlock which hath so offended me!

Minion

Sorry guv'nor, I don't understand ya when you talk all fancy like that...

Rex Smythe-Higgins

Chop down the Bloody tree, you idiot!

The Racing Mule

Ernie (worried about the bet)

Yeah out, as in two hundred clams right down the crapper!

The Sewer King (episode)

Grandpa

Hey, where you going?

Arnold

To take a long, hard look at my life.

Grandpa

Well, while you’re there, would you pick up a quart of milk?

Sewer King

I finally have the royal icon.

The Vacant Lot

Gerald

We can call it: Geraldfield!

Arnold

Yeah, that's what we'll call it! Geraldfield!

Gerald

Yeah?

Arnold

Yeah!

(Both laugh)

Gerald

I like that name.. Geraldfield! Just say it! GERALDFIELD!

Gerald

You're a bold kid, Arnold, a bold kid.

Arnold

Our hands! (Grabs Brainy's hand) Look at these hands!
(Brainy wiggles his fingers)
They cleaned that lot! It's not fair.

Grandpa

Now if Arnold and his friends had to do this, they must have had a good reason.
(Quietly to Arnold) Head for the hills boy, I'll try to slow 'em down.

Arnold

No, Grandpa. We know what we've done. You see, this is how the lot looked before we cleaned it up. Before we turned it into Geraldfield and before you guys kicked us out.

Gerald

So if you want Gerald Field so badly, you can have it just as we found it, A DUMP!

Ernie

Man, I feel like a real heel...

Harvey

Well, hey man, you know I mean, we did steal their lot...

Timberly Loves Arnold

Gerald

Arnold, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Arnold

I don't know. What do you think I'm thinking?

Timberly (to Arnold)

You're the nicest boy ever!

Gerald (imitating)

Arnold, you're the nicest boy ever! See you tomorrow, Romeo!

Timberly

Where are you going?

Gerald

Nowhere.

Timberly

What are you doing there?

Gerald

Nothing.

Timberly

Can I come?

Gerald

No!

Gerald

We're going somewhere to do something.

Timberly

But you just said you're going nowhere to do nothing!

Timberly

Hi, Arnold.

Arnold

Timberly, what are you doing here?

Timberly

I drew this for you. (showing picture of a sunflower with Arnold's name multiple times)

Sid

Look, it's a flower headed named Arnold.

(Rhonda, Stinky and Iggy all laugh.)

Arnold

(holding picture) That's neat. Thanks, Timberly.

Gerald

What are you doing here? It's 8:15. Go back in first grade.

Timberly

Bye. (blows kiss and leaves)

Rhonda

Looks like you got a new girlfriend, Arnold.

Sid

Hubba, hubba! (laughs)

(later after Arnold and Timberly leave from school)

Rhonda

Well, I for one think they make an adorable couple.

Sid

Yeah. Hubba, hubba! (laughs with Rhonda and Iggy)

Tour de Pond

Grandpa Phil

We beat the Smythe-Higgins! We beat the Smythe-Higgins! We beat the Smythe-Higgins!

Grandpa Phil
Thar she blows; The S. S. Jebrawlter. Ain't she a beaut'?
Gerald
Looks like a piece of junk to me.
Grandpa Phil
Son, you have to look deeper than the surface. (holds the ship closer) See? Maybe broken down and junky on the outside, but inside; it's all moldy and full of termite larvae!
Gerald
(exclaims in disgust)
Grandpa Phil
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?

Tutoring Torvald

Ms. Slovak

You're 13 years old and you're still in fourth grade!

Ms. Slovak

Torvald, what's 3×3?

Torvald

Uh, 33?

Gerald (to Arnold)

Do me a favor, Arnold. If he hits you, just lay down and stay down.

Torvald

Look, Arnold, I got a C!

Veterans Day

  1. REDIRECT Veterans Day/Quotes

Weighing Harold

Boy (pointing at Harold)

Look Mommy. There's a fat man.

Boy's Mother

Oh, Johnny. No, no, don't say that. He's not a fat man. He's a fat boy.

Harold (talking to Arnold)

Look at me. I can barely lift my arms.

Harold

I'll take twelve of them.

Arnold

Harold, twelve low-fat Mr. Fudgies is the same as six regular Mr. Fudgies.

Harold (yelling at Mr. Jolly Olly Man)

My name's not Tubby! It's Harold!

Weird Cousin

(Stinky and Arnold are sitting together on the school bench, watching Arnie)
Stinky
It's amazing, Arnold. He looks just like you...only he's a lot uglier. And he talks kinda like you, only he's a lot dumber. I hate to say it, but to tell the plain truth... your cousin's dull as dirt.
Arnold
I know, Stinky. But, he's family. So I would appreciate it if you could be nice to him and just try to like him.

What's Opera, Arnold?

Helga:

Be still, my beating heart.  Hush my distempered breath.

Brainy: (wheezing)

Helga:

I said hush my distempered breath.  (punches Brainy)


Helga:

...with my golden magic slingshot.

Stinky:

Golden magic slingshot?

Sid:

Golden magic slingshot?

Gerald:

I thought it was a spear and a magic helmet.

Helga: (sighs)

No. (points) It's my golden magic slingshot! (crosses arms) Doi!


Ruth: (singing to Arnold)

I'm Ruth McCarmen and awfully charming.  I think you've noticed by the way you stare.  You're not bad either.  Let's take a breather and we can talk about my auburn hair.

Stinky:

She's like a flower blossom.

Sid: I know she's wicked awesome.

Wheezin' Ed

Helga (Screaming)

Ahhh! It's wheezin' Ed! AHH!

Arnold

Brainy? What are you doing here?

Brainy

Um. (wheeze) Something.

Vic (Upon seeing the Kids)

Hey, You punks! What do You think You're doing?
(Kids gasp)

Sid (Screams)

It's Wheezin' Ed! And... and some other guy!

World Records

Phoebe

What did you think TSP stood for?

Sid (With everyone looking at him)

Uh... ten square pounds?

Arnold

We broke the record for most attempts to get in the Book of World Records! They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of.

Quotes from unknown episodes

You can help!

It is not known from which episodes these quotes were taken. If you know, you can help Hey Arnold Wiki moving them to their appropriate pages.

Grandpa

Sounds like young Arnold's got another one of his complex labyrinthine conundrums of a boyhood problem.

Arnold

It's not insurmountable.

Gerald

Insurmountable? Man, you read too much.

Big Bob Pataki

Remember, we'll beat any advertised price. Unless it's lower.

(after Grandpa Phil gave him advice)

Arnold

Thanks, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil

Sure, Arnold, anytime... Except next Wednesday at 3:30. I'm having a wart removed then.

Helga

Move it, football head!

(Censored Line as he is about to be denied entry of the Tunnel of Love)

Sid

What, because I'm short means I can't get no action!

Oskar Kokoshka

You keep the money.

Arnold

If you think about it, I know you'll do the right thing.

Harold

Whats the difference between a rump-roast and a butt steak?

Harold

Help me, mommy!

Eugene

I'm okay.

Eugene

Strained beets... Strained beets...

Helga (says a poem)

Oh Arnold my love,
(Brainy's heavy breathing)
(Helga knocks out Brainy)

Gerald

You're a bold kid Arnold, a bold kid.

Helga

Ruth?! (giggle) Hewwo. My name's Wuth.

Helga

Doi!

Bossy girl

Mirror-mirror on the bus. Is she a geek, or one of us?...GEEK!

Grandpa

In out in out. (Pig goes out the door then back in with mudd) OUT! OUT! OUT!

Oskar

Kitty kitty kitty. Oh-so soft and pretty. Will you pet the kitty? Yes I will pet the kitty. Pet pet pet.

Grandpa

Hey, short man!

Grandma

Must rescue the missionary! On team!! ON team!!

Helga

Criminy! What is this crap?

Helga Pataki

C'mon Phoebe, let's go spit in the river.

Stinky

Helga, you're just too damn ornery.

Stinky

This Really Bites!

Grandpa

Morning, short-man!

Grandpa Phil

But I won't. I'll be... you know.

Gerald

No, you won't, Phil.

Grandpa Phil

Stop calling me Phil!

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