(Arnold steps up to bat)
- Wind's in the east. I should probably shoot for the gap between second and third.
- Just try not to get hit, okay?
- Yeah, good strategy.
Harold (To Arnold)
- Who taught you how to play baseball, YOUR LOONY GRANDMA?
- Come on, come on.
- Alright already. Keep your shirt on, Helga, for all our sakes.
- (Harold got hit by a baseball)
- Say something, Pink Boy!
- Goodnight, Mommy.
- Hey Grandpa, I've got a problem.
- Shoot it at me, short man.
- Well, see, there's this big jerk at school, he says he's gonna...
- — says he's gonna beat you up, eh?
- Well, yeah.
- Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?
- That's right!
- Big guy, huh? Slow, but with lots of power. Squash you like a bug, eh?
- Yeah, yeah! What should I do?
- I have no idea.
- I've got to think of something, Grandpa.
- Well, you could skip town. But then you'd have to live the rest of your life in fear, always looking over your shoulder, waiting for... that day. You try reasoning with him? Oh, a moron, eh? Well Arnold, I wish I knew what to tell you. In eighty years I think I've only learned one thing for sure.
- What's that?
- Never eat raspberries. (Grandpa holds his stomach)
- Gotta go! (Grandpa runs to the bathroom)
- Twenty-four hours, fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds until you die!
- It's 7:00 on KILL. This one goes out to Arnold, who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes, and 47 seconds, from Helga who hates you.
- ...Don't hit me; I'll hit me. I'm crazy...
- Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?
- Boys are so stupid.
Tommy (in an Italian New York accent)
- Hey, Maria, come over here!
- Hey, vato, why don't you come over here?
- Come over here!
- Come over here!
- Aw, forget you!
- Forget you!
- Why you always do that?
- Do what?
- That thing you always do.
- Aw, I ain't doing nothing!
- Should we do our own make up, or will the crew do it?
- Do your own.
- I'd rather watch paint dry.
- You have the first line, Harold.
- Sorry. I felt a huge burp coming up and I was trying to keep it down.
- The class laughs.
- O...kay, again.
(Abner has just woken Arnold up by licking his face, which tickles him.)
- Abner, stop it! Oh, Abner, you're such a pig!
Arnold (to Abner at night)
- Y’know boy, you’re more fun than a hundred dogs put together.
Arnold (on Abner)
- Must be getting a drink out of the toilet again.
Grandma (the morning after Abner goes missing)
- Anyone for bacon?
Arnold (describing Abner to the dog catcher)
- And his tail is so curly when you pull it out it goes 'spoing'!
Gerald (on the missing pig)
- Well, did you try going down to the dump and yelling 'sooey'?
Pig Skins R Us crew (yelling at Abner)
- Come back here you football.
- 'Brilliant' does pretty much describe me. (He falls off chair.)
Gerald (on Arnold's brilliant idea)
- Well, it's not working, and it's making me sick.
Ernie (overwhelmed at the end)
- It does kinda bring a tear to your eye.
- That's just the onions.
- Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.
- (Arnold is carrying "blind" Helga across the street and a taxi cab is speeding towards them)
- Arnold, look out for that cab!
- (Arnold jumps and they land on the sidewalk)
- Arnold, are we alive?
- We're fine.
- Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.
- You smelled the cab?
- Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. (sniffs Arnold) Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, football-head.
- Oh, Happy Groundhog's Day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!
- We know, Pookie...
Grandpa and Arnold
- Twelve more days of Christmas...
- Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?
Helga (thinks when she dances with Arnold)
- I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Arnold! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kiddin': I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!
Arnold (thinking when he dances with Helga)
- Oh, man, I really hate this!
- Oh, man, do I love this or what!
- Gerald, I think, you're thinking what I'm thinking.
- (Gerald whispers something in Arnold's ear)
- That's even better than what I was thinking!
- (When She arrives home) Mom I'm home, and I'm blind!
Arnold: Yes, Lila?
Lila: Can you get your arm off my shoulder? As I've told you many times before, I don't like you like you, I just like you.
(Oskar playing saxaphone off key and loud)
- Mr. Kokoshka, do you think you could play your saxaphone some other time? I'm trying to study for a test.
- But, Arnold, I have to practice!
- Well, I have to study.
- Arnold, be reasonable. Can't we at least compromise? I practice now, you can study tomorrow. (continues playing)
- (yelling over the loud saxaphone) But, Mr. Kokoshka, my test IS tomorrow! (angrily groans)
The next day...
- Hey, Arnold, how did your test go?
- Not so good...
- That's too bad, you should have studied.
- But Suzie, where am I going to sleep?
- (Suzie throws sleeping bag and teddy bear at Oskar)
- Arnold, I can't believe how handsome you're getting, the way your body's growing to match the unusual shape of your head.
Oskar Kokoshka (about to bet Arnold's CD player during a poker game)
- Don't worry, Arnold, I can't lose.
- (next frame)
- I can't believe I lost.
- You keep da money.
- What did you say?
- You keep da money?
- Oh, Oskar! That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.
- "You keep da money"?
- Oh, Oskar.
- You keep da money.
- Oh, Oskar.
- You keep da money.
- Oh, Oskar.
- Oh, Suzie.
- REDIRECT Arnold Betrays Iggy/Quotes
- You already had three helpings. (Hits Oskar's hand)
- Oww, you hurt my hand. I'm going to sue you!
- I'm gonna get some gum. Plain-flavored gum. (walks away)
- Arnold, would you like something ever so sweet as well?
- Eh, sure.
- (Lulu kisses Arnold)
- Lulu, what are you doing?!
- (seductively smiling) I'm certain I'm trying to kiss you.
- Kiss me? You're Arnie's girlfriend, and... we're nine!
- Oh, Arnold. You're just all too square.
- It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.
- And look, there have little bears on them! (laughing)
- Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!
- (Arnold blushes)
I realized why you came here, Arnold--so you could steal my girl. And now, now you're gonna pay for it!
- These snow boots are boss!
Gerald (to Arnold)
- What you did, that's the real meaning of Christmas, man.
- Merry Christmas, Arnold.
- I wanted to go as pirates.
- No, Vikings.
- How about clowns?
- We're all going as aliens because the whole purpose of Halloween is to scare people and make them give you candy.
- Aliens are coming to destroy the Earth!
Grandpa (explaining about the kids in alien costumes)
- The news is all over town. The city is in panic.
- Uh oh.
- The news station must have picked up our broadcast. Grandpa, what happened to the kids after you saw them?
- (the kids are being chased by an angry mob)
Arnold (Halfway across town)
- Did you hear something just now?
- Go humans, go! Go humans, go! Fight, fight, fight!!
- I need that cute, stupid, football head's hat! Oh....Did I just say that out loud?
- Helga? The door's locked, honey, what are you doing in there?
- Oh... okay.
- All I wanted was the hat... and world domination, but for right now, just the hat. Is that too much to ask?
- Arnold! Hey Arnold! The Jolly Olly man's gone insane! He's passing out free ice-cream! Come on down!
- No! I'm not coming down without my hat! Ever! For the rest of my life!
- Okay. More ice-cream for me.
- Out of my way, Fat Boy!
- Did you happen to see a collection of seemingly useless junk randomly arranged behind a curtain in my closet for no apparent reason?
- Ah huh, dear. I threw it all out.
- You are who are because of what's on the inside, not the outside... the inside, not the outside... Are you listening, Arnold? The inside, not the outside.
- Woo! Arnold! Man! Did anybody ever tell you you look like some kind of bronzed Greek god these days?
- Yuck who said you could touch me!
- Are you trying to make me sick or something?
- I will never wash these clothes again. (Splattt!) Yuck!
- REDIRECT Arnold's Room/Quotes
- (To Helga at the boardwalk)
- But it was the perfect Thanksgiving. Everyone got along and they had a huge meal and...
- (cuts him off)
- That was a play! It wasn't real life! (gestures to the bay) This is real life...
- REDIRECT Arnold's Valentine/Quotes
- Suzie, make me a sandwich!
- In a minute, Oskar, I'm ironing your pants.
- Why can't you do both at the same time?
- Oskar, please!
- What? I have to practice.
- You're not the only person in this house, all you ever think of is yourself.
- What's wrong with that?
- A grade school diploma. The one thing I've always wanted but never got.
- Couldn't you go back to school?
- Oh-ho, I can't do that, Arnold. I'm too old. I've lost too many brain cells to make it through grade school.
- You're not too old, Grandpa. And you've still got plenty of brain cells.
- No, not since Woodstock.
Principal Wartz (to a tough Grandpa Phil)
- Report to detention after the final bell.
- Report this, Wartz! (pulls the fire alarm and walks off)
Principal Wartz (resets the alarm)
- That's it! I'm calling his parents!
- I'm gonna run for President. Pookie, you can be my campaign manager. What's our slogan?
- Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
- Pookie, you're fired. Arnold! You can be my campaign manager.
- I want that diploma!
- Let's get it!
- Right after my nap!
- (to Wolfgang) How about you let me kick, young fella?
- (laughing) Aren't you afraid you're gonna fall down and break your hip?
- (angrily) My hip is made of rock hard plastic! Watch this! (kicks the ball hard breaking a window, everyone runs off)
- Awesome kick, old guy! What's your name?
- Come on, Phil. Sit with us at lunch, okay?
Grandpa Phil (trying to cheer Arnold up)
- We'll grow old together... Oh, wait a minute, I'm already old! Well, okay, so you'll grow old alone with no one to talk to and nothing to come to, except your fun memories and...
- (Arnold gets sad)
- ...me and... I'm not helping, am I?
Arnold (Explaining what happened to the money)
- There was this old lady on the bus, and she had pink hair, and a peg leg... and one eyebrow. And she had a bunch of shopping bags, and she must have taken my bag by mistake.
- (Nobody believes him; later)
- Who the heck is that?
- I reckon it's an old lady with pink hair, a peg leg, and one eyebrow.
- What is this clear wall blocking us from outside?
- It's a door. I'll get it for you.
- Whatever is this contraption, Andrew?
- It's a water fountain. You drink from it.
- (Helga pushes the button and water comes out)
- I like to drink.
- Pass the ball to Tucker!
- Excellent pass to Tucker, Arnold — You don't even have to dribble, just pass it to Tucker!!
- Have I ever told you about how I always wanted to be in the circus?
- Yeah, you did, Grandpa, but—
- When I was a kid, I wanted nothing more than to be a trapeze artist. But the only job I could get was cleaning up after the elephants. 13 years with my pail and shovel. Following around Jumbo and Big Nellie. I thought about quittin', but I remembered what my grandfather said to me.
- What was that, Grandpa?
- "Don't quit, ya ninny!" So I stuck with it.
- And, eventually, you got a chance to trapeze?
- No! Although I did get an audition as the bearded lady.
(repeated line) Arnold
- Trust the ball.
(repeated line) Coach Wittenberg
- Don't let me down, son.
- I'm telling you, Rhonda, I don't really know anything about fashion.
Rhonda (reading fashion magazine)
- Hmmm. Okay, tell me this: do red and orange go together?
- Of course not. You know that, and I know that. But try to tell that to Nadine — she doesn't listen.
- REDIRECT Best Man/Quotes
- Criminy, I'm a monster.
- Actually it was just just gas, doc said you'll be fine as soon as u lay off the double rocks and lambs.
- Are you okay, Helga?
- Oh I'm just peachy. My dad's joining some wacky spiritual group, brain-washed Miriam and Olga and is planning to take us all to Oregon to live in a hut, out in nature to sing songs and eat bark.
- It could happen, there could be a prehistoric fish in city park.
- There comes a time in every youngster's life when he's ready to take on Big Caesar! And you boys... well, you're not ready yet, but I'm tired of waitin'.
Gerald (about the last boat available for a fishing contest)
- There is no way we're fishing in a swan boat.
- (next frame)
- I can't believe we're fishing in a swan boat.
Gino (Seeing Sid come in with Arnold)
- I see you brought your lawyer.
- Seeing you with Lila makes me...well, a little jealous. I mean You're my big sis.
- Oh Helga! Despite what goes on in that silly little head of yours, you're my baby sis! We have a bond that only real sisters have and no one can break it.
- Yes, really. Now, why don't you put on your Sunday best and come moonlight sailing with Lila and me?
- Okay (smililing).
- Olga and Lila
- (begin singing in unison) We were sailing along, on Moonlight Bay!...
- (rowing the boat and jumps overboard to swim away) What was I thinking!
- Oh my! Where's Helga?!
- No electricity? No T.V? No Popcorn? No deal! I'm out of here.
- Hey, if you can't tough if out 24 hours, than maybe you should leave.
- Oh, so you don't think I'm tough enough, is that it, Bio Boy? Well, I'll show you, I can stand be anywhere for 24 hours. Even locked in a controlled environment, with you!
(after she discover a pay phone was near Helga and Harold)
Helga (to Harold)
- So how much money do you got?
- (Harold shows Helga two quarters in his hand)
- Enough for one call each. Hello, Mom! It's me, Helga! I'm stuck at the chocolate factory with a moron. The school bus left us here and we don't have any way to get back. Oh, please pick up, Miriam.
- (Helga hangs up the phone)
Harold (dials the pay phone)
- Hello? Mommy, it's me, Harold.
Worker at Restaurant
- I never heard of you! Don't call me again!
Harold (hangs up phone)
- Dialed the wrong number.
- Just brilliant. You don't even know your own phone number.
- Hey, look. The subway. We're saved!
- Yeah, great idea, genius. Only one little problem — it costs money to take the subway, and we don't have any.
- Then we'll just jump the gate. No one ever gets caught. Come on! (gets stuck on the turn-style entrance)
- Hey! You two kids! Come back here!
- (Helga pushes Harold through, while they both run into the moving subway, eluding the cop)
- Oh! (sighs) That was close. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!
- "No one ever gets caught."
- One, I'm not gonna ride that Clown Bike. Two, It doesn't belong to Us.
- Aw, Come on. No one's gonna Notice. You want to make it to Wrestlemania, Don'cha?
Helga (to Sheena's Uncle Earl)
- Hey Mister, wake up!
- What? Who goes there?
- Can you give us a ride into town?
- There some crazy midget clowns that want to kill us!
Sheena's Uncle Earl
- Midget clowns eh? Arr!
Helga (Harold has begun to hug her)
- Get away from me, you big whale!
- Everything that happened today was your fault. You can't do anything right! Take the bus for example. Why do you think we missed it, Harold? Oh, let's see, hmm... maybe was it be because you were too busy eating twice your bodyweight in chocolate, num-nums?! Oh, how about this one? "Let's take the subway, I think it goes to Lincoln." Oh wait, no it doesn't, it goes straight to the bowels of the underworld!! Population: homicidal, toothless, midget clowns!! "I know, let's steal their bike, they won't mind." Now, you'd think that would be enough to fill any moron's day, but you're not just any moron, are you, Harold? You're the king! Your day's just getting started! So, because of your amazing curiosity about the world around us, you pulled the plug out of the bottom of our getaway boat!!! You idiot.
- Willie the Jolly Olly Man
- Get in the truck!
- But that's the freezer!
- I got the Jolly Olly Man.
- That's great! Spending the whole day in an ice-cream truck, stuffing your face with ice-cream!
- But Gerald, the Jolly Olly Man is a stingy, mean spirited jerk, who hates kids and is constantly teetering on the brink of insanity.
- Everything's always gotta be perfect for you doesn't it.
- Now, about my grade....
- Willie the Jolly Olly Man
- Oh, your grade, that's right... You get an F, kid! A big fat F!
- Willie the Jolly olly Man
- F for friendly! Just kidding! Ahahaha! You get an A!
Ernie's poem "Knocked Down"
- I knocked down my share of buildings and leveled a lot of place
- And've seen the miserable looks on the former occupants faces.
- If you kick us out, Grandpa, we'll be really angry and sad,
- On account that living right here has been the best time most of us has ever had.
- I need chocolate, wheres the chocolate, i gotta have chocolate
- Well, you didn't bet Wolfgang, did you?
- Whoa! Chocolate Boy doesn't want chocolate? Pinch me, I'm dreaming. (Wolfgang pushes Edmund to the ground)
- I can't believe you. I followed you for two weeks straight, all because of a bet.
- Yeah Arnold. Two weeks, no chocolate.
- But, I thought you really wanted to quit.
- Sorry Arnold! I gotta go.
- Why fight it? It's working.
- Maybe you should try using psychology.
- Hmmm. Psycho-ology, eh?
Curly (About Rhonda not inviting him to her party)
- I bet she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl.
Eugene (After hearing Phoebe's explanation of a geek)
- Bite the head off a chicken? But none of us has done that... well, except for Curly.
- Yeah! And that was just the one time!
- (the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do)
- I say we crash Rhonda's party and eat all her food!
- Well, I say we get a truckload of house manure and leave it on her front porch!
- I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!
- (Everyone stares at him)
- Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour.
- (Curly runs away cackling)
- Poor twisted little freak.
- Wanna go throw rocks at Helga throwing rocks at a dumpster?
- Geek party at Arnold's house!
- Ahhhhaaa free all the animals Ahhhhhhaaaa!
- Agatha Caulfield
- Holy Crackers!
- Why ya always spittin at us Mr. Hoctooey!?
- Wanna hear a sea shanty?
- Why are you reading this junk? (Teases) Oh, right, you have a crush on Miss Felter...
- I like poetry, it has nothing to do with her.
- Right. Later, man.
- (As Gerald's walking away)
- Oh soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the east...
- (Gerald pauses)
Arnold (In a dreamy voice)
- ... and... Miss Felter is the sun.
Gerald (In disgust)
- That's it, now I'm pukin'.
- You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita. (purrs)
- Do I have to purr?
- Yes, chicks dig the purr!
Arnold (To Miss Felter after Gerald's voice is heard through the walkie talkie that is in Arnold's pants)
- Sometimes my pants... they talk.
- You set a beautiful table, my fair señorita.
- Muchas gracias.
- Aw, enchilada.
- Then later in class, Harold answered the bonus question that I was about to answer. Harold stole the question from me! Another injustice.
- No fair! He let me answer that question!
- Curly, you let Harold answer that question.
- (Behind the lockers)
- I think Curly's finally snapped.
- No kidding.
- (In the bathroom)
- You guys, Curly's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Wartz. My kickballs!
- (In the halls)
- Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Curly has gone over the edge.
- (In the halls)
- Curly? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.
- (In the library)
- There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Wartz's office. LET'S GO!
Curly (throwing a ball at Mr. Simmons)
- Save your new ageisms for the saps, Granola Boy!
- Here's Curly!
Principal Wartz (To Curly)
- Okay, what are your demands?
- My demands? I, I want two Yahoo sodas and, and a meatball sub!
Principal Wartz (To Mr Simmons)
- Kids playing Hardball!
- What happened?
- Any Bloodshed?
- Absolutely not! We resolved this in a peaceful mannor.
- Alright son, come with me!
- Hey! I thought we've worked it all out! Remember Principal Wartz, sensativity!
- Hah! I'll give you sensativity, i'll give you a weeks worth of sensativity everyday after school!
- I opened the front door to PS 118, and everyone walked in past me just assuming I was the doorman.
- Well, he was just standing there, so, I went in.
- It looks like a scrambled egg on a turtle's back.
- Here's the deal. Curly cleans the fur, and you, Rhonda, all you have to do is pretend to be Curly's girlfriend for a week.
- Gross! No way, absolutely not!
- You can say that again.
- (Harold gets hit by Arnold's ball)
- Say something, big boy.
- Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.
- Ow! That baseball hit me right in the head!
- You got dangerous lumber, kid.
- We could take the crosstown bus.
- You mean THAT one?
- (The bus goes right by them without stopping)
- Well, we could walk.
- WALK? It'll take days! We'll freeze to death! We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse... eaten by RATS! I hate rats!
(about riding the subway)
- Sun goes down, stay above ground.
- (panicking) Air...getting thinner! Hard...to...breathe!
- Well then stop sucking up all the good air, Fat Boy!
- Nope. No subway for me. Not no way. Not no how. I am not taking the subway.
- (next frame)
- I can't believe I'm taking the subway.
- The train stopped
- No kidding, Einstein
Conductor (over loudspeaker)
- Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. There is no need to worry.
- But, of course. Ze main zing, uh, i-is to stay calm.
Conductor (over loudspeaker)
- Even though thousands of pounds of water are bearing down as we speak on the thin aging walls of this government-funded tunnel, you are in no danger.
- Actually, millions of pounds of water bearing down on the tunnel is more correct.
Conductor (over loudspeaker)
- Actually, this has never happened to me before!!! (sobs)
Grandma (on the stuck subway car)
- I'm the only ex-cop in this city crazy enough to take on a job like this.
- Goin' out, Pookie?
- Don't wait up.
- Alright, I'll save ya some supper.
Hobo (Repeated line)
- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Hillary (repeating over and over)
- Big open spaces.
Conductor (through PA system)
- (calmly) Passengers, it may just be a matter of minutes or hours (panicking) OR DAYS OR WEEKS (calmly) 'til the search and rescue team finds our (panicking) FORGOTTEN AND STRANDED SUBWAY CAR... (calmly) and takes out of this (panicking) INCREASINGLY HOPELESS (calmly) situation, so let's all remain calm, there's no need to (panicking) DOOMED!!! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!! WHY ME?!?!
- (sobbing) WE'RE ALL GONNA STARVE TO DEATH AND GET EATEN BY RATS!
Conductor (over PA)
- (calmly) Attention, passengers, I have an update: we're doomed, we're trapped. I'm talking to you from the fetal position. I'm scrunched up small, rocking back and forth, trying to think of there's any way out. I don't think there is. (panicking) I REALLY DON'T THINK THERE IS!!! DO YOU THINK THERE IS, NO!! THANK YOU FOR RIDING THE SUBWAY!!!! HAVE A NICE DAY!!! (sobbing)
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute, everybody! I got somethin' to say.
- We know. We know.
- Get out of your house.
- No, no, not that. I got something else to say…
- When I get my hands on that Helga, she's gonna be sorry she was ever born!
- Yeah! That Helga's advice really bites!
- Why'd I even listen to her?!
- "Sid, you can start by aplogizing to Lorenzo for stealing his phone."
- Sid: "Okay"
- Arnold: Stinky and Harold, the first thing you need to do is ask Eugene to forgive you---that is if he can even hear you."
- Well, I suppose the only solution would be to tell the manager the truth.
- That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard in my entire life!
- I need time to come up with a plan to get out of paying! We'll stall! We'll order more food! Lots more food!
- But isn't that just exacerbating the problem?
- Nadine it's Helga listen I need you to bring one of your cockroaches over to Chez Paris and let it loose in the restaurant. I don't care what classification of cockroach just the biggest ugliest hairiest one you've got and let it loose!
Helga (after weasling out of paying a dinner bill)
- There is no way I'm gonna go back in there, tell them the truth, and wind up washing dishes.
- (next frame)
- I can't believe I told them the truth, and I wound up washing dishes.
- What can you say about a guy like Dino? He was a mean, bitter, selfish, arrogant, back-stabbing... A nasty human being! But Dino had another side, too... He was also a sniveling coward.
- Dino and I had two really great years together, and then we got married.
Lawyer (going over Dino Spamoni's will)
- "My house and money will all go to my most recent ex-wife Candy."
- Can we go home now?
- IN A MINUTE!
Executor (Reading Dino Spumoni's Will)
- "And I leave my extensive collection of paintings to be equally divided among my five ex-wives-except Bunny, who gets jack-squat."
- Aw, nuts! Take me home, Chooch!
- Maybe it's... rats?
- Rats? There's no rats in the boarding house. 'Cept Oskar.
- That's right. There's no ra— Hey!
- The ghost of Dino is angry. We must offer him a big fish to make him not so angry. His stomach will be full and then he will go away.
- That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Let's do it.
- I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but the truth is Dino's not really a ghost.
- Oh, I know.
- You know?
- Course I know. I may be feeble-minded, but I'm not stupid.
- How did you know?
- Ghosts don't take showers.
- They take baths! (chuckles)
- Y'know, for a nine-year-old, you sure like to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. You oughta be out playing with your little friends. Why don't you go out and play some stickball or go see a movie?
- Grandpa, it's two o'clock in the morning.
- There's always a downside with you, isn't there?
- Hey, Oskar, he's not dead! I want my two bucks back!
- Well, youse all came to see a show. Seein' as how I just K.O.'d da headliner, maybe I can fill in. I mean, uh, I may not be DIno-Mania, but I'm an incredible simulation.
- So I hear you got a package for that secret guy, Mr. Smith.
- Yeah, and I alone have been shouldered with the weighty responsibility of it's safety.
- Cool, let's open it.
- He is very creepy. He gives me the creepies.
Helga (first line of the series)
- Arnold! (High pitched, 2 Times) Hey Arnold! Get off that stage!
- Know your lines? Of course you already know your lines. But I don't want to just hear your lines... I want to feel whats in your souls.
- Do vegetables have souls?
- Hey, where are the fruits?
- They're not here, Helga. They never showed up.
Arnold (across town on a bus)
- Did you hear something just now?
- Wow, people downtown sure are friendly.
- People, People (claps twice). Now remember, a play has a life of it's own, it's got to breath (pounds milk costume). Every food group must build upon the food group that came before it. First, the legumes.
- Legumes? I thought we were beans.
- You ARE, genius!
Harold: "I love this contest........I love eating..........."
Harold: "Wait........I think I ate too fast.........oh, oh.......my belly hurts."
Harold: AAAAAAAAAAAH! Mommy!"
- (as Harold and Rhonda are assigned to partner up taking care of an "egg baby")
- Come on Rhonda you know you like me!
- Where in the world would you get a ridiculous idea like that!
- Remember that time at the Cheese Festival where you jumped-
Rhonda (claps a hand over Harold's mouth)
- Sssh, I told you never to mention that night ever again!
- (after when Harold showed Rhonda their egg that has tape all over it)
- What did you do, Harold!?
- Harold, this is not our egg. This — I don't even know what this is. What did you do with Courtney?
- Uh, I, Uh... Oh! I was hungry!
- (Harold belches)
- (writing) "I long to meet you, dearest Lola. If I were Spanish I'd say hola. Of thee I am oh so enamoured for in my heart forever hammered."
- He's the Abdicator! When I grow up, I wanna be just like him.
- Ha! Like that's gonna happen.
- At least he has a dream.
- I don't care how late it is! I'm going out and I might not be back till 9 O'clock!
- (to the kid) It must be way past your bedtime.
- I have to be in bed by 8:30 right after my favorite show Yo Ernest.
Young Helga (In flashback)
- Hey, Arnold! Shake hands with Mr. Crab!
- That Arnold, he just keeps giving and giving.
- Eugene:(After sticking his finger in the glue) Mmm! Mmm!
- REDIRECT Eugene's Birthday/Quotes
Arnold opens the bathroom stall and he and Eugene enter it with Henry’s deceased body in his goldfish bowl.
Arnold: “You gotta do it, Eugene, it’s time.”
Eugene walks around over to the toilet.
Eugene carefully dumps Henry’s deceased body right into the toilet.
Eugene: [Devastatingly] “Goodbye, Henry.”
Eugene tries to flush Henry’s deceased body down the toilet, but he refuses to do it.
Eugene: [Tearfully] “Oh, I can’t do it, Arnold, [Weeps Silently] I had Henry since he was a little baby goldfish.”
Arnold: “Okay, I’ll flush it for you, here.”
Arnold almost flushes Henry’s deceased body down the toilet, but Eugene stops him.
Eugene: [Tearfully] “Wait!”
Arnold: “You really loved him, huh?”
Eugene: [Tearfully] “Yeah.”
Arnold: “What if we bury Henry someplace we can always go visit him? that’d be better, wouldn’t it?”
Arnold and Eugene walk around outta the men’s restroom with Henry’s deceased body.
[Light Gray Kitty Cat Meowing]
[Church Bell Tolling In Background]
Harold: “There’s gonna be food at the house there, right? there better be a potluck after this thing.”
Arnold: “Okay, go ahead and put him in.”
Eugene: “Um, aren’t we gonna say something about Henry 1st?”
Gerald: “Like what?”
Phoebe: “Well, it’s customary at funerals to give a eulogy for the deceased person or creature.”
Helga: “Alright, since I’m obviously the most experienced public speaker of any 1 here………”
Eugene: “Um, I prefer if it wasn’t you, Helga, no offense, but I’m not sure you really well appreciated Henry.”
Helga: “I appreciated him just fine, you pathetic little………(Arnold elbows her hard in the right shoulder) ow!”
Eugene: “Gerald should do it.”
All 5 PS 118 4th grade students: “Yeah, yeah, Gerald, Gerald’s our right hand man.”
Gerald stands right on Henry’s tomb tire.
[Gerald Clears His Throat]
[Arnold Playing Silver Harmonica]
Gerald: “Henry wasn’t the biggest of the best lookin’ goldfish, so no 1 came to buy him for a long time, he thought he’d never find a home, then 1 day, a lonely boy came into the pet store, he was kind of a geek, really, but he needed a pet and he wanted Henry and that was the start of a beautiful friend, Henry was a simple fish, he didn’t ask for much, a few flakes of fish food, his little plastic castle, that little guy with the mask, even though that didn’t turn out so good, but these were the things he loved and swimming, oh, yes, swimming with the big thing with him, right up to the end, when he was struck down in a bizarre twist of fate by a runaway yo-yo, and so we say, ‘Goodbye’, Henry, you were a good pet fish to the end.”
[Light Gray Kitty Cat Yowling]
The light gray kitty cat jumps right into Henry’s tomb pit and takes away Henry’s deceased body now wrapped in tissue paper.
[Light Gray Kitty Cat Yowling Again]
- What the heck is "Eugene Eugene," Eugene?
- The role of Betty will be done by Lila Sawyer, and the part of Lawrence goes to Arnold... hmmm, I can't even read my own handwriting.
- Helga, baby, put your feet up. I’ll tell it.
- Because three months, two weeks, and four days ago, Eugene borrowed my favorite pencil - the pencil I got last summer at Wankyland - and then, when he finally returned it, it had chew marks all over it! And he sharpened it down to the metal parts! I couldn't sleep! I couldn't eat! All I could think about was Eugene writing with my pencil, Eugene chewing on my eraser and Eugene sharpening, sharpening, SHARPENING!!! And then, when he finally gives it back to me, he says, 'Oh, here Curly.' Like it was NO BIG DEAL!
- I couldn't take this lying down. See, I got a plan — the fire alarm. All I had to do was plant the right clues: the peanut butter, the glasses, and, to top it all off, the pencil. Bingo, he would be branded for life! Ahhhh Ahhhhh Ahhhahhh!
- I did It! I pulled the fire alarm! And I'd do it again, too! See? (Laughs dementedly as we hear the fire bell ringing and Curly pulling the levers down)
- Stop that!
- I like to work in the restaurant.
- I'm telling you, we could pull this off.
- I suppose I could pretend to be Mrs. Hyunh for just one night.
- And I'll be his brother, Edwin. Arnold will be his son, Grandpa will be his father.
Grandma (coming in from the kitchen)
- And I'll be Mary, Queen of Scots!
- Pookie, you'll stay out of the way.
- Who is she?
- Why, I'm his sister.
- Your sister?
- And I'm also Mary, Queen of Scots. (cackles)
Mr. Kamacho (after Grandma whacks him with her cane and sees Arnold smiling nervously, he stands up angrily and slams his bib down)
- ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT. SOMETHING FUNNY IS GOING ON HERE! AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!
- Here you go, Arnold. A big combo platter on the house.
- What do I get?
- You get a taco, made by Rockwell. (points at Rockwell grumbling and clearing out the dishes)
- But he doesn't even know how to make a taco. He puts the cheese in first then the tomatoes then the meat. It's crazy.
- Nothing like a field trip ha, Arnold?
- Huh? Oh, are we in the Aquarium yet?
- Not yet.
- (Harold hits Eugene with a spitball)
- Well, we better get there soon, everybody's getting kind of restless.
- Look, I'm a whale. (drinks a sip of milk and spits it out through his nose)
- Well, let me ask you something Grandma. How would you feel if you were living in the ocean and some scientists captured you and put you in a tank?
- WHAT!? No sir! They'll never catch me! NEVER! (throws pillow, which breaks a glass object offscreen)
- Calm down, Grandma! It's a hypothetical question.
Guard (taunting the animals at the aquarium)
- Here, have a cookie. Ha-ha, you tossed your cookies!
- Go! You're free, run like the wind!
Game Show Host
- And from PS. 118, meet Arnold and his family. Phil, Pookie, Ernie, and and Mr. Heeee-yun!
- It's H-WIN!!
- One more comment, Hyunh, and I'll give you a knuckle sandwich, with plenty of mustard!
- I'll give you both a knuckle sandwich!
- That's odd, I don't remember packing any sandwiches.
- Oh, good one, Hyunh!
- You push me!
- Yeah! Well, Gramps stepped on my toe!
- I did not! This is stepping on your toe! (steps on Ernie's foot)
- Pluto, Pluto!
- Not Pluto, Pluton! You idiot!
- Huhhh... Huhh... Hi.
- And the winner is Arnold... there seems to be a smudge over the last name.
- That must be you, Arnold, on the count that you're the only kid named Arnold in this whole danged school.
- I've decided to pick Ernie and Mr. Hyunh to be on the team with me and Grandma and Grandpa.
- But what about me?!
- Well, Mr. Kokoshka, you can come as an alternate.
- An alternate?! Oh, boo! I am leaving now!
Grandpa Phil (Spotted a dead owl)
- Aw, look, a dead owl. Breakfast!
- I just know we'll wake up tomorrow to a better day!
- If we make it till tomorrow.
- My knees are weak.
- My knees are fake.
- Let's just fish... for the Halibut!
- This trip stinks! (farts)
Gerald (smells Harold's farts)
- In more ways than one!
- Wait one minute. You're telling me that this place is haunted?
- Well, no, that would be irresponsible. What I am trying to say is — YES, IT IS HAUNTED! BY THE VENGEFUL, UNHOLY, CRYPT REEKING GHOST OF FOUR-EYED JACK‼ (Hands Arnold the glasses) Here you go, short man. You'll be hearing from him tonight.
- Ghost? I don't believe in ghosts. I'm not the least bit superstitious.
Susie (From inside)
- What do you mean you're not superstitious? You keep a horse shoe in your pants.
- Don't mock my families traditions!
- I know, let's catch him and sell him to the circus! We can make money.
- REDIRECT Freeze Frame/Quotes
- Happy Friday the thirteenth!
Gerald (sees black cats)
- That's not exactly the sign I was looking for.
- They're probably Grandma's cats. She's... uh... collecting them...
- Collecting them?
- Don't ask...
- Happy Friday the 13th! -cackling laugh- Well, I'm going to go collect all the black cats in the neighborhood and walk them under a ladder.
Arnold and Gerald
- Garlic Chains around our necks
- Save us from this Evil Hex!
Harold (heard Principal Wartz coming out of his office)
- Here he comes. Get ready on three, (Harold, Stinky, and Sid put on some masks) one...
- Are really gonna go through this?
- Shh! Two... (they unzipped their pants and Principal Wartz walked down the hallway) Three! (everyone except Arnold bended down)
- What the — what is this? (puts on his glasses and saw Harold, Stinky, and Sid mooning him) Oh, my! (Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the hallway and started laughing) Come back here you hooligans! (Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the school and Principal Wartz was panting) You won't get away with this!
- What did Wartz do to you?
- He gave me four weeks detention.
- Four weeks!?
- But you didn't even do anything!
- I know, Stinky.
- You better not rat on us Arnold! Cause you know what'll happen if you do!
- (sighs) I won't tell (Arnold Leaves)
- Ya think maybe it ain't not fair for Arnold to take the blame?
- You mean that we should Principal Wartz that we the one's who did it and get Arnold off the hook?
- NO! NO! NO! Arnold got caught and that's his fault, not ours! We got away with it and that's all that counts! Nobody is going into Waltz's and telling him what we did! NOBODY! YOU GOT IT ?!!!
- I guess there's no sense in all three of us getting detention.
- I guess you're right Harold. You figured he'll crack and spill the beans?
Principal Wartz (to Arnold)
- You understand that your permanent record will follow you all the way to Jr. High?
- I understand.
- And you still won't tell?
- Then you leave me no choice.
Principal Wartz (about mooning)
- Mooning is not funny! It's not a game!
- I did it, it was me! I'm sorry, Arnold was completely innocent! I'm the mooner! I'm the mooner!!!
- I'm guilty too!
- And me! We all did it together!
- Arnold had nothing to do with it!
- He was just a pawn in our horrible, twisted prank!
- He's innocent! He's innocent!
- You tore my shirt!
- Your shirt?! That's my shirt! The one you stole!
- Hey, look! I'm Timberly the Pink Ranger!
- Okay, Gerald, we're almost there. Now at times the things you see may confuse or even frighten you. But just remember, everyone is essentially harmless.
- Arnold, relax. I've been here before. Besides, how weird can your house be?
Gerald (about Ernie)
- Man, he was creepy.
- Yeah, and he likes you.
Arnold (As Susie's throwing all her stuff into the hall)
- Stand by for pottery!
- Aw, he hit the chicken.
- (Upset over washing Gerald's clothes)
- This lint is your lint.
- (in high pitch voice)
- I'm not your Mother!
- Okay, I’m sorry. (Gerald leaves the room)
Mr. Hyunh (To Arnold)
- I am not his mother!
- I'm sorry Arnold. But there's no lifestyle. It's not what I thought it'd be. I need a ticket to use the bathroom, I can't eat your grandma's cooking; "No Offense". I even have to do my own laundry. Look at me, I look like an extra in a hippie movie.
- I'm such a wily old coot.
Martin (mad about Gerald moving out)
- No 9-year old is renting a room in a boarding house. Where's my coat?
- The rules says all attendants must clean out the lint filter.
- And I'm telling you, that filter was clean as a whistle, when I was through.
- Then why did I find all of this? This lint. YOUR LINT!
- If I drop off my laundry now, how soon will I get it back?
- That depends.
- Depends on what?
- How long it takes you to do it!
Gerald (sad like)
- You mean, I have to do my own laundry?
- This is not a game for the weak or impatient.
- REDIRECT Gerald's Secret/Quotes
- Gerald, your solo tonight was... inspired!
Stinky (passing the graveyard)
- Look, fellers. We're passing the bone-yard.
- Hurry up, you guys! This place is gives me the creeps! It's full of dead people!
- Well, you might as well get used to it, on the count of we'll probably all be buried here someday.
- Okay maybe, but that won't happen for a long, long time. Right?
Stinky (talking about the Ghost Bride)
- The Ghost Bride will get you and hack you up, just like her sister and her former intended!
Arnold (reading headstone)
- Here lies Cynthia Snell. She lived her life and went straight to...I can't read the rest.
- But we have to do something, we can't just stay in here forever.
- Sure we can, these guys did. (points at two dead corpses)
- But they're dead.
- What's your point?
Sid (to Curly, dressed as a dead bride)
- I can't believe you'd pull such a dirty trick!
- I can't believe how nice you look in that dress!
- Okay it was a dirty trick, I admit it. But I wanted to tell the story! Why should GERALD always get to tell the stories? (imitates Pee-Wee Herman voice) IT'S NOT FAIR!
- (while Curly is tied inside the crypt, he heard someone humming "Wedding March")
- Helga? Is that you? Come on! This isn't a joke! Let me out! Come on, Helga! Helga?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
- Hey, Helga, you in there? It's your little friend Alfred on the phone!
- Arnold? Calling me? At my house?
- Yeah, Arnold. Whatever. Anyway, he's on the phone for you!
- Oh, Arnold! So kind, so just, so moral! (is twirling around while the telephone cord is wrapping around her)
- You couldn't help but return to the ways I know and love. (she sighs and falls to the floor with a loud thump, Big Bob hears the fall from downstairs)
- Helga?? Are you there??
- (Helga is on the floor wrapped in her telephone cord)
- Yeah, yeah! An agreement sounds great. Have my people call your people and we'll draw up the papers! Yeah, in your dreams, football head! Like I'm ever going to agree with you about anything! And don't ever call me at my house ever again!!! EVER!!! (sighs and Big Bob opens her bedroom door and looks down to her confused, Helga looks up at him and laughs sheepishly)
- I'm not even gonna ask... (leaves her room)
- (looking through a photo album) Heh Heh Heh, there’s Gertie rolling me in honey and staking me on top of an ant hill. (Arnold is seen walking up the stairs) That mischievous, pigtailed little imp. Oh mercy.
- Hey Grandpa.
- Why, if it isn’t young Arnold home from his day at school. How come you’re all covered in paint?
- Helga poured it on me. So I poured some on her.
- (Stands up) What! Oh my word, you’ve snapped Arnold! You’ve turned into some kind of vicious, paint-pouring thug. (Arnold rolls eyes) I don’t know what to think about you any more. Why didn’t you follow your instincts like I told you?
- I did Grandpa.
- I wasn't talking about those instincts. I meant your good ones.
- I got it! How about The Mauve Avenger?
- Stinky, we are not calling our go-cart "The Mauve Avenger".
- (Scene changes)
- I cannot believe we called our go-cart "The Mauve Avenger".
- Hey, when do I get to drive?
- You get to drive, uh... NEVER!
- (Eugene has come in second.)
- Yeah, but we didn't win.
- But I didn't crash.
- But we didn't win!
- Try, try, and try again till you can't try no longer, and if that don't work, why, you've wasted a whole lot of time trying to do something you just couldn't do.
- I'm confused. I thought we were the "Muave Avenger".
- (Grandpa believes he has died)
- Well, that's it. I must be in heaven. Oh, no! Oskar's here! This must be the other place!
- No, Grandpa, it's the boarding house, you're still here with us.
- Yes, well it's still my time to go, just like my grandfather before me: born in 1830, died in 1921, and his father: born in 1800, died in 1891.
- Grandpa! That means they were both 91 when they died!
- 900 carry the three... Oh I'm an idiot! That's right! The family curse is 91, not 81! That means I have ten more years before I'm worm chow! I'm not going to die! At least not now.
- No, Grandpa, you're still with us. Good morning, Grandpa.
- What's so good about it?
- REDIRECT Grandpa's Packard/Quotes
- And I'm about to go fishing with my favorite grandson!
- I'm your only grandson.
- Grandpa, you can't jettison Aunt Mitzi out the second-floor window!
- (to Arnold) Mitzi and I never got along! We never agreed about anything!
- (pulling out an old picture of Phil and Mitzi playing with their Scottish Terrier Pooter when they were children) Oh, yeah? What about Pooter?
- Aw, look, it's Pooter.
- And Mitzi.
- Nah must be some neighborhood kid
- No, that's Mitzi. Look at you two. Look at how happy you were together. You looked like you got along great.
- Our old mutt Pooter. What a wonderful dog smart as a whip. We took him everywhere.
- (popped up behind Phil) Throwing sticks in the park till it was too dark to see anymore
- And giving him baths in the backyard
- And taking him to the seashore
- Remember how he used to gas up the care and Dad would say...
- Phil and Mitzi
- (in unison) "Jumping Jehosehphat! Who let one?!" yeah
- Whatever happened to him?
- (glances at Phil) Well, we kept him in the backyard then one day he got out and we went looking for him.
- We went all over the neighborhood calling his name.
- By the time we found him, he had been hit by a milk truck...
- We took him to the vet but...there was nothing they could do for him...
- It's your fault, Phil! You were supposed to fix that gap in the fence!
- I *did* fix the fence! *You* were supposed to fill in that hole he dug!
- Ohh, I hit a birdie, that's terrible!
- You know that monster truck show this afternoon? Wish we could go.
- Can't, got detention.
- Yeah, me, too. Look at these! One for walking too fast, one for walking too slow, one for turning the corner too sharply, one for turning too wide, one for squeaky shoes, one for suspiciously quiet shoes. And these are just from this morning. (Tosses them on the floor)
- (Phoebe writes another ticket and gives it to Gerald)
- What's this for?
- One for littering.
- (in a tough authoritive voice) Yo! Halt!
- Harold Berman! I can't believe my eyes! You stole my beautiful ham! And now it's ruined!
- Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!
- That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! (Pointing his finger in Harold's face) YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
- NOOOOO!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!
- I'm gonna have to call his mommy.
- Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.
- But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!
- And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher. Not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years and we don't need to start now. (Crosses his arms)
- I know! And I'm sorryyyyy!
- Yes. I know you're sorry because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: Red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it! You know what happened? My friend stole the vest! And he was punished! He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to *make* a vest. He learned a good lesson. (Crossing his legs and wondering) You can, too, Harold. I have an idea.
- Do you like being a butcher?
- Huh? Yeah. I've been doin' it for a long time.
- What's your favorite kind of meat?
- Don't you have sweeping to do?
- What's the difference between a rump roast and a buttstick?
- Hey, I've got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just 2 more days and he's outta my hair!
- He's still out there, huh?
- Um, Mr. Blue?
- It's Green!
Harold: (after hearing Sid and Stinky make fun of Harold after losing to Patty) So what if I lost to a Girl? Patty's the best Arm Wreslter in the whole city and she's my friend! I'm proud to lose to her and if anyone have a problem with that. I'll pound them!
(Harold headbutts Sid and Stinky)
Sid and Stinky: Ow!
Danny (Describing his mother)
- She's tall and has... hair! Wah-wah!
- Hosahainne, Harold! Hold your horses!
- Don't shoot! I'm just a kid with a cat!
- (about the elderly woman and the kitten) That cat is her best friend in the whole world. She raised him since he was born. You have to give him back.
Stinky (telling his scary story)
- This here yarn of a horror is about the ever-frighting: Monkeycat. In the dingy laboratory of the despicable Dr. Mischief, there lived an old furry cat. One day, the cat snuck into the cage of a frisky monkey and got himself caught. Dr Mischief watched as the monkey and the cat began to fight, they became entangled together and that's when the evil doctor got his big idea. He cut off the monkey's head and sewed on the cat's body and invented...Monkeycat!
- What's so scary about that?
- It's a banana eating milk drinking horror monster, Monkeycat!
Harold (throws his pillow at Stinky)
- That's not scary! That's stupid!
- I've got a husband, a grandson, and a boarding house full of people to be responsible for.
Arnold (to himself)
- This heat's so crazy it's got Grandma acting normal.
Grandpa (on broken air-conditioner)
- In thee modern times, there's always a smart, high-tech solution to problems like these... Arnold, run down to the store and get us some ice.
- I'll take a snow cone.
- Eighteen dollars.
- All I have is seventy cents, what will that get me?
Jolly Olly Man (laughs)
The Jolly Olly Man
- Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?
- Well, I demand that you supply me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth out!
- No ice cream, no peace!
- Hey! Let me tell you a little about my day, Mr. Jolly Olly Man. The brown-out shut down my air conditioner, my bag of ice melted before I could get it home, I couldn't get into the movie theater, or the city pool. And now when I finally found a little relief from the heat, a little ice cream, you snatched it away. You better sell me some ice cream at a fair price, or face the consequences.
The Jolly Olly Man
- You can't do anything, you're just a kid.
- Arnold, a little cold air is that so much to ask, is it?
Mr. Green (relaxing in his Green Meats freezer area)
- Ah, so what if the door can't be opened from the inside? This is the life.
- Uh, excuse me? I said, "Excuse me." EXCUSE MEEEEE!!!!! Look, you have a right to be angry but we can't let the heat make us that crazy. The Jolly Olly Man is our friend. Harold, have you forgotten that time he sold you that slightly damage snow cone at half-price? And Helga, what about those chocolate-covered bubblegum drumsticks you love? Doesn't he always have 'em in stock? And Eugene, didn't he help that time you you were choking on your favorite rainbow turbo pops?
- I really, really need a doctor.
- The heat is turning us against each other. Jolly Olly Man against kids. Kids against Jolly Olly Man. It's the heat. Don't you see? This has to stop. What do you say?
- FLIP THE TRUUUUUUCK!!!!
- I just have to go to work... somewhere.
- (Mocking Big Bob, bowing theatrically)
- All hail the Beeper King!
- Helga, are those flowers in your hair?
- Yeah, you got a problem with it?
- Wow, Helga, you look just like the girl on the box of hot chocolate.
- I'm late for school and no one made my lunch.
- Oh, yeah, I did, honey, I put it out for you... it's... it's around here somewhere... (opens oven door) ...Oh, here it is!
- Moist towelettes, an individual packet of crackers and... a can of shaving cream?
- How did that get in there? Uh-oh, uh-oh, that must mean the cheese fizz is in B's medicine cabinet.
- AHHH!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RUN A BEEPER EMPORIUM WITH MY FACE SMELLING LIKE HICKORY SMOKED CHEDDAR, MIRIAM??!!
- Principal Wartz, I'm Dr. Bliss.
- Oh, Dr. Bliss, I'm Principal Wartz. Welcome to P.S. 118.
- Thank you.
Principal Wartz (nervously)
- What do you mean by that?
- What are you looking at?
- Hey who's the skirt?
- So I hit him, so what? Brainy he doesn't mind, I do it all the time. What? You would sock him too if he was standing behind you breathing.
I'm not angry.
- That's obvious Bob.
- So, are you a real doctor? I mean, if I suddenly had a heart attack, would you be able to save me?
- Well, there is a heart clinic upstairs, so this would actually be a very convenient place for you to have a heart attack.
- How about we try a little word association? Now, I'm going to read off this list of words, and I want you to say the next word that comes to mind.
Helga (to herself)
- Steady girl, you can do it. Do not say Arnold.
- Locket... pocket... Davey Crocket!
- Head... ha... did I say head? I mean game. Football game.
- Night Football. (falls out of chair) ...enough word association.
- Good Idea.
- Uhhhhh... In a minute, Olga.
- NO! I'm HELGA, Dad! HELGA!
- I like your bow.I like your bow 'cause its pink like your pants.
- I love you, Arnold, and I want to marry you.
- I love Arnold! There, I said it! I love him! I love him! Arnold! Arnold! Arnold! I'm absitively posolutly in love with the boy! I want to grow up having a fabulous life, traveling around the world with him! Coffee in Paris, roses sailboats, the whole nine yards, I want to have a perfume named after us "Arnold Helga!" I Love ARNOLD!!!!
- Man. That was building up for a while
- I know. But you said it. And the world didn't end, did it?
- (sighs) No. I guess I'm pretty sick, aren't I? I mean, I once sculpted Arnold's likeness out of wads of his used gum.
- You're not sick. You feel your feelings very strongly. You're very creative. (Pauses) Did you say used gum?
- So it's okay to be obsessed about him? You know, the shrines, the 3 AM vigils, the chanted spells?
- As long as you're not hurting anyone it sounds like an okay way to express yourself.
- So animal sacrifices are out?
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
- If you ever tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue out and wrap it around your neck!
- (collides with him and falls) Arnold!
- Sorry, Helga. (helps her up)
- Arnold! I just want to say that, that... that you should watch where you're going, Football Head, quit crashing into me all the time! Sheesh! (Helga runs away.)
- Nice running into you too Helga.
- (watches him from an alley) Look at him, all ticked off. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know my secret. What a sap! What a maroon! He still can't even tell. But I adore him! (looking at her locket) Ohhh, my football-headed love god! I'm okay, you're okay, we're all okay! I love you! Love you! LOVE YOU!
- (Brainy comes out of a corner and hands her a ring.)
- Hey look Brainy, this is just weird. How is it that you're standing behind me again? How did you get in this little arch? Where you waiting for me to come into this alley? What's your deal? So, I am not gonna hit you this time, today I'm feeling generous, but tomorrow look out.
- So the thing is, Patty, I realized you're a human being too, and you have felines...? ooh, ooh, feelings!
Patty (to Helga)
- Hey, you and Arnold. Do you have some thing for each other?
- Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what?
- Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La.
- Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little football head right know and tell him myself. (Phone rings she gets answering machine.)
- Hello Arnold this is Helga yes Helga G. Pataki the girl that worships you yes wastes days of passionate thoughts about you ohh my angel sweet love ohh how I lo....(everyone laughs) AHHHHHHHHH!
- Did you hear something just now?
- Ohhh brother why doesn't everyone I know just show up so they all can spend the rest of there lives in this hallway?
- REDIRECT Helga Sleepwalks/Quotes
- I'll die!
- You won't die, Stinky.
- No, I will, I'll die, laid down and die like an old dog.
- Hey, wasn't that Helga?
(Grandpa pulls the rug, causing the disguised Helga to slip and the locket to fly back in his hands.
Grandpa Phil: Aha! Gotcha! Ya two-timin' swindlin' thief imposter of a charlatan!
Helga: That locket's just a cheap piece of junk! It's worth NOTHING!
Grandpa Phil: Oh yeah?! Well, so are you! And you forgot your mustache!
(Tosses the fake mustache as Helga runs off)
Grandpa Phil: AAH I'M BLIND!
Arnold: Grandpa, the lights went out
Grandpa Phil: AH! The lights went out! AND I'M BLIND!
- REDIRECT Helga's Love Potion/Quotes
- Helga's a girl.
- She is? (Glances at Helga) Oh, yeah, I always forget.
- Wait minute, you can't play. This game is boys only!
- Says who, pink boy?
- Says, uh... Sid! Yeah, tell her, Sid!
- Please don't hurt me!
- Helga's not a girl. Helga's not a girl.
- Y'know, Gerald, I almost feel sorry for Helga.
- The keyword there is "almost".
- "Not girl enough." (scoffs) What a bunch of crap! I am too a girl. I'm pretty. I'm feminine. I'm delicate. (Helga bumps into someone)
- Oh, excuse me young man.
- I'm a girl!
- Et tu, Phoebe?
- Yeah, um, how much is this magazine to make ugly girls look pretty?
- I just saw Helga on her way to Rhonda's party and she was all dolled up... LIKE A GIRL!
- You're right, Rhonda. I'm not like rest of you. I'm not wearing a mask. I mean, look at us! Tin foil in our hair? Glop on our faces? High-heeled shoes? Why are we wearing them? We're already taller than the boys!
- The horror! The Horror!
- REDIRECT Helga's Masquerade/Quotes
Parrot (repeating what Helga said)
- Arnold, my love, my soultry preteen. Why must I hold you only whilst I dream? Will I be forever enslaved by your spell? Why must I worship you and never ever tell?
- Trust me, you won't live long enough to tell!\
Big Bob (after parrot flies away)
- Oh yeah? Well GOOD RIDDANCE!
Pet Store Salesgirl
- Don't talk her out of buying it, kid. That lizard's been here so long, I'm teaching it to read.
Parrot (repeating what Big Bob said)
- Pipe down! I'm watching the wheel!
- Are you makin' fun on me on account of my love for lemon puddin'?
- What good qualities can we say about Stinky?
- Well, he floats.
- (Helga is doing stand-up in the school juice bar)
- My first impression is someone we all know. It's the first voice you hear in the morning, and it goes something like this:
- (imitating Principal Wartz)
- "Attention, students of P.S. 118, I have an important announcement. Henceforth, all lunch-related activities shall be conducted during the lunchtime period."
- (normal voice)
- Whoo, thanks for clearing that up, Principal Wartz.
- Who'd touched my button?!
- (Arnold & Gerald are smiling in a slightly perverse way)
- ME! ME!
- Do these belts come in any other color?
- Black or pink?
- Uh, we'll take black.
- What's wrong with old things? Some old things are great.
- Yeah, like Mrs. Vitello.
Mrs. Vitello (Hitting Harold)
- She's still in jail.
- I thought they were keeping her one night.
- Yeah, but she keeps trying to escape. Like she thinks it's a game. Fourth time they've brought her back in.
- My brave little football-headed hero.
- I think I need to go lie down.
- I'll go with you!
- (Arnold, sees Gerald praying)
- I didn't know you were so religious.
- Neither did I.
Eugene Horowitz (singing)
- This is our neighborhood! How can they tear it down! How can they turn our smile into a frown!
Arnold (turns off stereo)
- No singing, Eugene.
- But the occasion called for it.
- No, Eugene. No singing.
Stinky Peterson (about Scheck)
- He sure gives me the willies.
- Yeah, but he looks good in a suit.
- I know. I'm just saying.
- And I would of gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling football head, that kid with all the hair, and that brat with the one eyebrow.
- Ah, tell it to the judge, donut hole.
- I could get you that pony you've been wanting.
- I wanted a pony when I was five, Dad.
Helga (as deep voice)
- I'm everywhere and nowhere, but mostly I'm everywhere.
- I wish I had a sign. (pigeon poops on her) Perfect.
- Life is just a bowl of cherries.
- (at end of movie)
- Now you're looking on the bright side?
- Somebody has too.
- Well, I think girls are stupid and I think dancing stupid too, and if I ever had to dance with a girl I bet I'd drop dead.
- Stop it Ma, I'm not charming and I'm not handsome. I'm a big dumb ugly kid.
- (Pounds on table) Stop it! You guys don't know what you're talking about. Her name's not Big Patty, it's Patty. And she's not clumsy and she's not dumb. Not only that, she's smart and she's nice and she's funny. I must be crazy to listen to you guys. Why do I care what you think? The only thing that matters is what I think. And what I think is I like Patty! And if anybody has a problem with that, I'll beat you up so bad it won't even be funny!
- Eh. Heheheheh! Look! It's Buddy Love! And he's going coconuts!
- Everyone's talking like me and dressing like me!
- Not everyone is dressing like you.
Miriam (Dressed as Helga)
- Look everyone, I'm the it girl.
- I'm proud of you.
- For what?
- You know, scowling, shaking your fist, wearing that dress you do.
- Dad, I've been scowling and wearing this dress for years.
- Well... It's finally paying off!
- REDIRECT Jamie O in Love/Quotes
Stinky (Hides inside a trash can)
- Talk about ironic.
Harold (coming down with 5th graders behind him)
- Aaah! Mommy!
Sid (Sid is captured while the other escape)
- No no don't get me. (cries)
- (The boys board the local bus)
- Not a fifth-grader in sight.
- (Arnold spots some 5th graders in the back of the bus)
Arnold (Points out)
- Um, Gerald?
- Except for those guys.
- REDIRECT Love and Cheese/Quotes
- Come on, let's go already, I paid for this show!
- Paid for it? It's free, you bonehead!
- Oh brother, we're living in Geeksville.
- I think he looks highly professional.
- What, are you blind? Two pigeons just flew out of his pants!
Helga (on the "rubber" pencil)
- It's the oldest trick in the book!
Helga (on disappearing box)
- What a cheap trick!
- Hey, If I'm a ghost, I can fly. (Helga jumps straight on to the road)
- I can't believe it. They're happy I'm gone? Everybody was supposed to miss me! This can't be happening!
Person in Helga Costume (Person inside costume speaks through a voice box)
- Doy. Doy. Doy. Doy. Move it, bucko! Move it, bucko!
Helga (on the road)
- Oh wait, I forgot, I'm invisible.
- Somebody miss me!
- All magicians know that it takes, uh, 48 attempts to bring someone back. So finally, here she is, Helga!
- Oh... Arnold and I are going to be married! It’s true! He did the test 110 times, and... despite the fact that the result revolted him... it always came out the same! Me and Arnold... MARRIED! Oh, it’s FATE! This is... wonderful...
- (Arnold & Gerald head toward Arnold’s house)
- This is HORRIBLE!
Helga (in her closet)
- I’m going to marry Arnold! It’s like a dream!
Arnold (in his room, ready to sleep)
- It’s like a nightmare!
Helga (in her bed)
- The one boy I’ve always hoped I would marry!
- One girl I NEVER WANNA marry! EVER!
- Arnold... Arnold... (kisses her Arnold locket)
- I’m not going to marry Helga... I’m not going to marry Helga...
- (In Arnold's dream, the bride is approaching...)
- Look sharp. Here comes your bride!
Helga (SHE'S the bride)
- No such luck, football-head!
- Say, "I do"
- But, I don't.
- You do.
- I don't.
- You don't.
- I do.
- Do you, Helga, take Arnold to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish till death do you part?
- You got it, padre! I mean, I do.
- You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Your eyes are like shining diamonds.
- Aww, go on.
- All right, I'll stop.
- No, I mean go on, go on.
- (in Helga's dream)
- Madame President, you have an urgent call from Chile, the Milk Board is here for your ten o'clock, and the Swiss ambassador wants to know what you think of his cheese plan.
- Hold the Chile, cancel the milk, and tell the Swiss ambassador his cheese plan is full of holes.
- (In Arnold's dream)
- I guess you could say I love, I love...
- Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold!
Helga (About the monkey)
- Doesn't it do anything else?
- (Later, in Helga's dream where she's the monkey)
- Can't she do anything else?!
- I think you're... okay. I mean, you're a real okay, guy, and I think you're okay.
Arnold (Smiles and pats her on the arm)
- Thanks, Helga, you're okay, too. (Leaves)
- He thinks I'm okay and he touched me!
- (Scene changes to outside)
- Helga: And I'm not a monkey!
Helga (As a monkey)
- Arnold, I love you, but I never had the guts to tell you.
- But you're not Helga, you're a monkey, a monkey girl.
- Your not a superhero at all. Your just some selfish, caviar-eating, opera going, TUXEDO BOY!!!! (Monkeyman falls on the floor) Yeah, that's what you are... (Monkeyman flees and Sid raises his fists angrily) YEAHHH!!!
- Sid, what happened?
- What happened?! I GOT MUGGED!!!!
- Yeah, you know 'mugged'. Right in front of the stinking OPERA HOUSE!!!
- MONKEYMAN HELP!!! (goes to the window) MONKEEYMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!! (sinks to the bottom of the bush by the muggers as he still gets mugged while Monkeyman talks to the Mayor)
- Shut up! Where's your money?!
- A banana split?! What...is that and Slausen's... I'm not...I'm not clear.
- Willickers. Arnold's just sitting there like it's no big deal. Having a banana split with "The Monkeyman". (yawns) That boy leans a charmed life.
- REDIRECT Mr. Green Runs/Quotes
- But you see, Arnold and tall hair boy, I don’t want to be famous! I want to live my life simply! I like my banana wallpaper, I like doing my own laundry! Just give me the simple things!
- Don't worry, Daddy, we still have that can of beans in the fridge.
Mr. Sawyer (Dramatically)
- No, we don't, I ate them for lunch! (Cries)
Helga (about Lila)
- Well, everything's back to normal.
- She's Little Miss Perfect again.
- She's funny and smart and pretty and popular.
- And you know what the worst part is? I like her.
'Rhonda', Nadine, Phoebe, and Sheena
- Yeah, me too.
- We'll meet you tomorrow... on the gridiron. (Leaves)
- What's a gridiron?
Wolfgang (Off-screen, whispers)
- Shut up...
- We're going to beat them?
- Sorry, I got carried away.
- Nice going head boy, now we're all going to get carried away, On stretchers! They're fifth graders! They older, bigger, more brutal.
- Size isn't everything Helga, maybe we're smarter.
- Smarter, being smarter doesn't have to do with anything with football.
- (Kids groan while doing push-ups.)
- (Kids groan while doing push-ups.)
- 99! Come on! Get up! Walk it off. Let's go! We're going to practice everyday until I start seeing some improvement. And let's start thinking positively, think like winners, you bunch of losers.
- (Harold vomits)
- Any questions?
- Ahh, I just throw up my protein drink! (Vomits again)
- Perhaps we should let Arnold be quarterback for a while.
- Phoebe! Have you lost your mind?!
- Look! If we don't run Arnold's plays, then I quit!
- Be as the frog in the pond, Arnold.
Arnold (Into a mirror)
- Hey! You talkin' to me? You... talkin' to me?
- No, I didn't say anything.
- Hey, I want you to leave those kids alone.
- Give me your purse, Granny!
- He can have it. It's just a purse, you know.
- How big was this 'munk'?
Arnold (beaten up)
- Big munk?!
- Big huh??!
- (to Hyunh) Oh simmer down, ya hotheaded looney.
Gerald (referring to Arnold)
- Man, last week, he was getting mugged, this week, he's Bruce Lee.
Man (after being attacked by Arnold)
- I was just trying to ask you where's the bus stop.
- REDIRECT New Bully on the Block/Quotes
- You, what's your name?
Lt. Major Goose
- Your hair's not curly, boy! What's your real name?
Lt. Major Goose
- Curly, go stand over there!
- Hey! You, the remaining corner!
- *Stressed out* Symmetry!!!
- Well, that's one way to respond by not responding. Silence: often speaks volumes.
- It's like music to my ears.
- What's more important your friendship with Jimmy? Or trying to beat him in some crazy dangerous contest that could get you seriously hurt?
- Um the second one yep the one that can get me hurt. I'm gonna kick Jimmy's butt even if it kills me!
- Who are we kidding old man you're going down and so am I.
- Oh you're right this is it Jimmy this is the end we're going to Davey Jone's Locker.
- Kicking The Bucket.
- Buying the water farm.
- Checking out of the Hotel Of Life.
- And Checking into the Hotel Of Death.
- The Big Roundup.
- The Last Tango In Paris.
- Last Tango In Paris? that's not a euphemism for dying.
- I know but it was my turn and I ran out of euphemisms and I didn't wanna lose the game.
Olga (arrives home and walks over to greet Helga)
- Toodles, Helga. How's my baby sister? (gives Helga a quick kiss on the cheek) You're growing into quite a lovely young lady.
Helga (smirking and being sarcastic)
- Yeah, I'm a real beauty.
- To change the grades... or not to change the grades... that is the question....
- Suffer in her shadow, take sweet black revenge... suffer , revenge.... no contest (Helga decides to redo Olga's grades)
Olga (while lying in bed after getting a B plus)
- "I'm never coming out of my room again. I— I've never even gotten an A-minus!"
- Elizabethan Poetry...B+ ?!
- Miriam and Bob
- I-I-I can't believe it!?
- It's not that bad, darling.
- Yes it is, it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me! may I please be excused! (Runs out of the kitchen crying)
- Mother, may I say, this soup is exquisite.
Big Bob (about Olga)
- "She can't just sit around all day moping."
Miriam "Sure she can... I do."
Helga (eating chocolates)
- One for Helga... none for Olga.
- I don't know, Helga. I've always wanted to have a brother or a sister. I always thought those relationships were kinda special.
- Yeah, well, what do you know? Olga is evil. She's a pompous, overbearing, arrogant witch. Only, this time, I've got her beat.
- Okay. Forget I mentioned it.
Helga (on Arnold's advice)
- If only I could be that kind... but I'm not, so that's that.
Helga (on her parents' concern for Olga)
- Even when she's out of the way, she still ruins everything for me.
- Helga: (Looks into Olga's bedroom, where she's still lying in bed crying) Oh, brother! Look at her in there, crying like a baby, feeling all sorry for herself, all because she thinks she got a B+. Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do. (slams Olga's bedroom door shut and starts to walk to her bedroom) Ah, much better.
Helga (in fantasy sequence)
- What's it like to fly?
Arnold the Angel
- Eh, it's OK.
- Okay here's the deal, you didn't get a B+."
- W-what? What are you talking about?
- You got straight As, as usual, so I was jealous so I changed the grade. Got it?
You mean I really did get all As?
That's right, so you can get out of bed and prance around the house like Mary Sunshine again. You can go can go back to being the golden child and go ahead and tell Mom and Dad what I did, so they'll reward you and punish me like they always do. Everything's back to normal, bucko.
That was a pretty terrible thing to do.
- Yeah yeah what's new? Go ahead, tell Mom and Dad.
- Well I could do that, I should do that, but I'm not going to tell them.
- Uh, what's your angle?
- There is no angle Helga, they don't have to know everything that goes on between us. You must think I'm pretty lucky, all the attention I get from them. I have to perform all the time like some kind of wind-up doll, I get really sick of it. You're lucky they hardly even notice you.
- (smiles slightly) Really?
- (smiles back) Really.
Olga "Hey, what are sisters for?"
- I don't know.
- Tomorrow let's spend the day together, just you and me?
(Both Helga and Olga turn blue)
- Oh, okay that might be nice.
Miriam (when she hears about Olga getting married)
- No, Olga! Don't make the same mistake I made!
- Oh man, this guy's a total liar! If Olga marries him, her life will be ruined... Perfect!
So what's the stinkin' rush all about? get married in a year, if you still want to.
- You won't want to.
- Mommy, Daddy, please don't be harsh...
- It's okay, darling, you're parents just need time to adjust.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you little twist top, Big Bob Pataki doesn't adjust, you got it?
- Daddy, it's not fair to have Olga choose between her true love... and us.
- Helga's right, Daddy, you're being an awful brute, and Mommy, you're not even trying to like Doug... I am so... miserable.
- (Olga runs off crying and weeping to her bedroom)
- If I play my cards right I can get rid of Olga for good.
Doug (his last lines)
- I did like her, you know—even if I didn't actually love her. Hey, what's love anyway?
- I done went and sat on my hot sauce and now I gots hot pants!
Harold (Pretending to be a hobo, he gets asked if he's seen Harold, Stinky, and Sid)
- No sir, and we don't know nothing about some police station!
- We can't go to the authorities, WE JUST BLEW UP THE AUTHORITIES!!!!
- WE BLEW UP THE POLICE STATION!!!!! Waaaaaah!!!!!
- No... I blew up the police station!!!!
- This is crazy. Listen to yourselves. Your 9 years old. And your gonna disguise yourselves, runaway and become hobos?!
- THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD! AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP US! (scene goes black and another scene is shown Arnold tied up and mouth taped while Sid, Stinky and Harold are in incognito) Sorry Arnold. We just can't take the chance that you'll turn us in. Now let's catch a bus to the train yard. Ooooh, I can't wait to be a hobo!
- Hi, shortman. Done playing "secret agent"?
- (Arnold gets freed, and untapes his mouth and removes the dirty sock from his mouth) I wasn't playing "secret agent". I was bound and gagged for 2 hours.
- Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth. Hi Ruth.
- (as they are about go into the Tunnel of Love)
- I don't want to go into the Tunnel of Love with you, Rhonda!
- Oh, you know you like me Harold.
- (as she grabs him in the ride and as they head off into the Tunnel of Love)
- I Do not. HELP! Let Me Go! LET ME GO!!
- Make way! Shove over, sister. (Checks boy line) This is perfect. A little maneuvering and I'll be riding a swan with Arnold while Ruth winds up with some dumb slob. (Laughs) Helga, you're a genius. (Crashes into a girl) Shove over, sister!
- Uh, Helga, just one question.
- WHAT?! Are you implying that I have some sort of ulterior motive? That I'm after this Ruth person because she happens to be the object of some other kid's affections? Some certain young man that I may my own obsessive affection for? Is THAT your question?! Is THAT your question?!
- No. Uh, actually I was gonna ask you which way to the bathroom.
- Oh, they're right over there by the weiner stand. Oh, and Phoebe, this conversation NEVER happened.
- Kitty, kitty, kitty, do you like to pet the kitty? I like to pet the kitty! Hey look! I'm petting the kitty!
- It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
- Can't you read, mister, can't you read?
- (to Chocolate Boy) Hey you, little kid, how would you like to do me a favor? I need someone to read me the first page of this book again and again, until I can memorize it.
- What's in it for me? (scene later shows Chocolate Boy eating malted milk balls) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
- I'll bet you 20 bucks you can't learn to read by the end of the month.
- And I will bet you $50.
- OK. It's a bet.
- (to Hyunh) 50 bucks huh, Mr. High Roller?! Whoa!
- So Ernie and Mr. High Roller. I think you owe me some money.
- I cant believe it. Oskar learned to read.
- OK, so it's true. I never learned how to read. Big deal.
- That's Ok. You can still learn.
- Ah, what for? I didn't need to read to become the successful man I am today.
- But you're a paperboy.
- What's your point?
- Nah, forget it. It's not important to me. Of course we can keep this little secret between us, okay? There's no reason for anybody else to know that 'Oskar can't read'.
- OSKAR CAN'T READ?!!! (laughs)
- (laughs) It's unbelievable!
- Who said I can't read?
- You did just now, Kokoschka!!! Your probably just too dumb to learn!! (chuckles)
- A B C D E F G...
- H I C K N 2 B. Hey! I'm reading! :D
Arnold (Frustrated expression)
- Will you stop talking like a talkshow host sidekick?!
- REDIRECT Parents Day/Quotes
- (in Arnold's dream as an old man) Aw, this seat's pretty crowded.
- (as an old man) Tell me about it. Sitting next to you is my worst nightmare!
- Just the thought of you makes me so mad I could... I could...uh...do you remember why we stopped talking to each other?
- Nope, I don't.
- Me neither.
- It was something about school.
- No it wasn't, it was about some stupid baseball game!
- It was school!
- You're an old stubborn fool and you're losing your mind!
- You smell, you hardly have any of your own teeth, and I never liked you!
- The happiest day of my life is when we stopped talking to each other.
- (as a rotting zombie speaking in a weak eerie voice) What did I tell you, short man? (laughs until his jaw cracks and breaks off)
- (screaming while waking up in present) Whoa! I can't let that happen to Gerald and me. I gotta go see him. (leaves to get his apron)
- Hey, don't blame everything on me! You're the one who's marching around here giving orders like you're Napoleon or something!
- Well, if you had your way, you'd work on one flower arrangement all week!
- So? (goes up to flower statue) Look at this.
- This is art.
- Arnold, you're wasting flowers, you're wasting time, and most of all, you're wasting money!
- If you're so perfect, Gerald, why don't you just run the store by yourself?
- What are you talking about? Listen, do you feel I'm out of line?
- I do, and I quit!
- You can't quit 'cause you're fired!
- Too late! I quit!
- Aw, you just can't find good help anymore!
- REDIRECT Partners/Quotes
- REDIRECT Phoebe Breaks a Leg/Quotes
Mr. Simmons (Reading Phoebe's poem in front of the class)
- I hear your name, like a bell, ringing, ringing, in my heart.
- (to the statue of Emily Dickenson) What do you want from me?!
- If it isn't Little Miss Smarty Pants
- You're an inanimate object! You can't talk!
- And YOU can't write poetry!
- I'm not listening!
- (in a soft menacing voice) Cheater...! Cheater....!
- (squeals hiding her face then peeks back out)
- ...cheater :)
- (screaming) AHH!!!
- Is that true young lady? Did you really write a wonderful poem?
- Oh sir, I can't write...
- Ah nonsense. We're proud of our multi-cultural students here at PS 118. Where do you come from Phoebe?
- Kentucky, sir.
- Phoebe, let's make Ken-Tuk-Ay proud on Thursday.
Phoebe (jumping on her bed)
- I get to go to the sixth grade! I get to go to the sixth grade!
- Hello, I'm Phoebe Heyerdahl and I've just been promoted from the fourth grade.
- Mr. Frank
- I suppose you think that makes you special or something... Grab a seat...
- Mr. Frank
- Now which one of you special people is going to grace me with your presence up here at the black board... How about you Maria...?
- Gosh, I'd love to sir, I really would. Only... I think Phoebe had her hand up first.
- Mr. Frank
- Whatever, I just need a body...
- Criminy! I'm running out of stooges!
- REDIRECT Phoebe Takes the Fall/Quotes
- Phoebe don't you think you're overreacting?
- No Arnold, I think I'm being perfectly rational considering the circumstances.
- Come on Phoebe, you know you can't run away from this, this farting thing.
- I'm sorry Arnold but I've made up my mind. As long as the other students continue to regard me as a gas passer, I'm afraid I have no other choice than to turn the other cheek. No pun intended.
- Now people one of our own classmates is in trouble and it's up to us to help her through her crisis. I think we should all go over to Phoebe's after school and tell her that she has nothing to be embrassed about. I think we should tell her that we love her and care for her. And if she comes back to school we'll all forget about her little incident and never talk about it again What do ya say?
- Okay if we pull this off then tomororw's Movie Day.
- If our dear friend Phoebe went away, we wouldn't know just what to say.
- If I could wish upon a star, I'd wish you'd stay here where you are.
- If you go, then we'll be blue. All us kids and Mr. Simmons too.
- It seems a shame that we'd be parted. Just on a counta, you farted.
- Look Phoebe you gotta snap out of this. I mean criminy, it's not like it's the first time you ever farted. Heck, when you sleepover you do it all the time. You rip'em all night long, they stink to high heaven. It's all I can do to keep from passing out.
- Just get out.
- I got something to say. Phoebe's a farter! Phoebe's a farter! Hahahahaha! (Instantly, he wets his pants) Uh-oh!
- Look! Harold wet his pants![Connie appeared to be the first person to hear that.]
Phoebe (after coming back to school, makes an announcement)
- Until three days ago, I was Phoebe Heyerdahl--4th grader, straight A student, and a good friend to a lot of you. But then something happened. I accidentally... (is nervous to say the word)... uh, well, I accidentally passed—went... (finds the courage) Heck, I'm just gonna say it: I farted! (the kids laugh out loud) Yes, I let one rip, I honked a big jawber, blew the tuba, popped a wafter. You all thought it was pretty funny. (kids stop laughing seeing how furious see is) I guess if I were in your shoes, I think it was kind of funny too. But ever since then, I've gone from being Phoebe Heyerdahl to just that girl who farted—and I don't think it's fair, because I'm more than that! If you ask me, I don't have anything to be ashamed of; I think YOU'RE the ones who should be ashamed!
Helga (having just failed at cheering Phoebe up to Arnold)
- Well, it's all up to you now, footballhead.
Arnold (walks in)
- Phoebe? Do you feel any better?
Phoebe(emerges from under blanket showing trust in Arnold)
- Actually, Arnold, I feel worse. I know now that no one is ever going to forget what I did. From now on, when people look at me, the only thing they'll see is a girl who flatulated.
- That's not true.
- Get real Arnold! 9 years of living have been reduced to one, to one, solitary fart!
- Come on Phoebe. You know there's more to you than that.
- Well of course there is, Arnold! I'm smart and funny! I'm neat, and clean, and organized! I have a perfect attendance record, and I'm VERY good at checkers!
- Well, then you have to do something to make people remember all those things. You have a choice to make. You can run away from your problems, sit in your room and hide from the world. Or you can go back to school and stand up for yourself.
- I can't do that, Arnold. I can't face them.
Arnold (Arnold's final line of the series)
- If you can't face the class, how will you ever face yourself?
- Harold wet his pants! Aaahahahaha
- Waaaaaa! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Rhonda (to Phoebe)
- He is never going to hear the end of it
Harold (offscreen and still crying)
- Oh no! (final line of Hey Arnold)
Stinky (About Pigeon Man)
- Does he bite?
- (After seeing Pigeon Man's home in ruins) ...What?! This is awful! Who did this?
- We can rebuild the cages, sweep up; your birds will come back.
- Of course they'll come back: They're birds. I trust them. I understand them. It's people I don't understand...You see, Arnold, it's time for me to leave here. Some people are meant to be with people, and others, like me, are just different.
- Pigeon Man, wait. None of this would've happened if I hadn't—
- Arnold, don't be sad. You taught me that some people can be trusted... And I'll never forget that.
- Where will you go?
- Somewhere I can live in peace with my friends. Don't you see? I have a mission to help pigeons everywhere. Wherever there's a bird in need of seed; I'll be there. Wherever there's a helpless flock suffering some abuse; I'll be there. Wherever there's a pigeon with a weak wing or a broken beak; I'll be there.
- I just hope there's another Arnold where I go next. (A flock of pigeons gather and take him away) Remember, Arnold, always wash your berries before you eat them...And fly towards the sun!
- Goodbye, Pigeon Man.
Rhonda (About her progress report)
- Pushy, self-obsessed, and materialistic?! Madame this is an outrage. There must be some mistake!
- And how am I supposed to get punch with you just standing there?
- Try saying the magic word?
- REDIRECT Pre-Teen Scream/Quotes
- PS 118 needs you back!
- Excuse me a moment. (closes door, starts singing and dancing with a doll) They want me back! They want me back! They want me back! Woo-hoo! (opens the door, gets serious face) Please come in.
- (Holding the megaphone) NO BOUNDARIES! NO ONE'S IN CHARGE! IT'S VERY SPECIAL!!!
Big Bob (Thinking)
- Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.
- Great, now I have to sit through this stupid musical for three hours.
- Yeah, I like Licorice, so what? Kidnapping is not my game — too messy!
- Alright I'll tell ya but you have to keep it under your hatsee.
- I was at a ballet lesson Madame Bovary's school for boys.
- Ballet lessons? Oh, come on.
- Plié, jeté. See, I ain't joking.
- Hey, he's pretty good.
- All right, he checks out.
Harold (To Arnold and Gerald)
- You call me Slim one more time, I'll knock your teeth off!
- See anything?
- No but there is a yellow gedling in those branches up there.
- Is this a stake out or a meeting of the auto bond society?
- There is no way I'm going to recycle bottles and cans to pay for my lunch! (Scene changes; shows her digging through a dumpster)
- I've always looked forward to my weekly shower. I've left a little backhair in the drain. Sorry. Might want to clean it out before you rubba-dub-dub. HAHAHA!!!!
- Fine, I admit it. I'm poor, P-O-O-R POOR!!! I don't have nice new clothes anymore, I can't afford lunch or bus fare and now my family has to live well below earth sacreful comfort level in the dumping old boarding house, AHHHHH!!!!!
- Rhonda, come on. Dinner's ready.
- What's the point of eating when your poor? After all I'm only going to die of misery, anyway.
- (after being flunged by the Murphy Bed in which Arnold puts her back down, seeing her in a tantrum) I HATE THIS BED!!! I HATE THIS STUPID PLACE!!!! AND I HATE BEING POOR!!!!! I only know how to be rich. Being rich is the one thing I'M REALLY GOOD AT!!!
- Listen to yourself, Pathetic. I mean just because you're not rich anymore, doesn't mean you're a different person. You were Rhonda when you had money and you can still be the same Rhonda now that you don't. Unless being rich is all you're about.
- So welcome to the Sunset Arms. If you need any help, just ask Pooky. She's the brains of the operation. (sees Grandma in a conquisador's outfit chasing Abner) Pooky don't run, remember your hip. (hears something break) Too late.
- I claim this dining room in the name of Spain (puts plate on the table). OLE!
- (to possibly his daughter, he is seen in just a robe with a running nose) Goodbye. (coughs) I have a very bad chest cold. Very contagious. Need to make a call?
- I never thought I'd seen the day. Rhonda Lloyd is broker than me.
- 55 Cents? Aw, they raised the bus fair another nickle.
- If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
- Uh oh, Eugene's getting carsick again.
- (barfs in his barf bag, then groans weakly) I'm okay.
- REDIRECT Rich Guy/Quotes
- REDIRECT Rich Kid/Quotes
- Me, Mom and Dad are supposed to visit my grandma in South Dakota.
- Sounds like fun.
- I'd rather have a root canal.
- Great! You lost the directions; we’re totally lost on the road to nowhere, with a map of Wankyland!
- Mom, please tell me you didn’t leave your purse on top of the car again!
- Helga, you know, I think that that is exactly what happened.
- (as Arnold and Eugene Horowitz are going in a Roller Coaster)
- He's a brave boy...
- He's a goner...
- He's a saint — he gave me his tokens...
- (on a camping trip, Grandpa is showing Arnold and Gerald survival skills. Gerald is eating red berries. Arnold is eating green berries)
- Now, only do this under adult supervision. Red and sweet are good to eat, but I swear by this sonnet, green will make you vomit.
- I thought it was green and sweet are good to eat.
- No, I've been saying it all morning. Red and sweet. Red and sweet.
- Excuse me a minute. (Arnold runs off screen and vomits)
- You're vomiting, aren't you, Arnold?
- What's scat?
- You know, scat. Droppings. Like what you're standing in.
- Everything in nature is beautiful. Unless it's ugly.
- (On a hike through the woods)
- Ugh! It's getting kind of cold. I think I should turn down this air breeze a little. (Turns knob and it explodes, sending Bob into a tree)
- Are you okay, Mr. Pataki?
Big Bob Pataki
- Am I okay? Look at me! The food's gone! The air breeze doesn't work! And to top it all off we're lost!
- Lost? I thought you knew where we were!
Big Bob Pataki
- I've been lost ever since I saw those signs in Spanish.
- (after the pathfinder breaks)
Big Bob Pataki
- Cheap piece of junk. I'll sell thousands.
Arnold (using his instincts)
- Camp, should be right... there!
- (the group cheers happily)
- But we've got to follow this path around because.
- Forget the path, kid! Camp's right there! (runs through the tall bushes alone and back into the camp cheering to himself)
- I was just going to say, because that's Poison Ivy.
- Why don't we all go for a nice hike in the woods?
- Huh? I thought you hated hiking.
- Whatever gave you that idea?
- Perhaps it was on the way here when you kept saying, (imitating Helga) "I hate hiking! I hate hiking! I hate—" (Helga kicks her foot) Ow!
- REDIRECT Runaway Float/Quotes
Gerald (on the comet)
- 70 years? Where is it the rest of the time?
- Eat cereal, get a telescope. What a country.
- I'm sick of cereal. I'm sick of milk. I'm sick of all these football-headed schemes.
Arnold (Arnold on why not just dump the cereal)
- There are children who are starving.
- I'm starving right here.
Gerald (yelling to the populace)
- Turn off ya lights!
- Dad, if only those lights weren't burning so bright.
- I can take care of that. (He pours water on gaslight so Phil can see the comet)
Phil (about Hawk Mountain)
- I fell off the mountain and broke every bone in my body.
Gerald (on traffic to Hawk Mountain)
- Man, this is insane!
- Too bad you can't do that on the air, now excuse me, I have to go back on live... (Ned has a "whoops, looks like they did" look on his face as he sees the "on the air" indicator is already on)
- Oh my — look up, boys, look up! 23 skidoo! Heh heh! Boys, you're gonna remember this for the rest of your lives!
Grandpa (on the next time Sally's comet comes along, Arnold and Gerald will be watching)
- I won't be, because I'll be... you know"
Grandpa (to Gerald, last line of the ep)
- Would you stop callin' me Phil?!
- We threw away everything but the kitchen sink! (gets the kitchen sink) Okay, here goes!
- This time I'll be a 50% partner.
Big Bob Pataki
Big Bob Pataki
- If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it.
- (Cup misses lever)
Helga (Mimicking Arnold)
- If I hit the lever, I think I can stop it.
- I hope they stop in time.
- Gosh, he smells good.
- Oh no! It's Big Bob!
- And... some other guy!
- REDIRECT School Dance/Quotes
- I have to learn so many lines.
- I will help you, Arnold.
- You, Mr. Hyunh?
- Yes. I am very dramatic!
- That's a polite word for what you are.
Helga (Trying to scare Sheena)
- You know about the end, right? She's in a crypt, you know, a mausoleum, full of dead rotting corpses and bats. (Getting steadily creepier) And then she takes this big, sharp, rusty dagger... and she holds it up high over her head... and then (Feigns stabbing herself and gasping in pain) Oh, it's great. Real bloody, violent stuff.
Helga (Mutters quietly)
- I like Arnold.
- Pardon? I couldn't hear you.
Helga (Mutters slightly louder, but faster)
- I like Arnold.
- I'm sorry, Helga, you're mumbling.
Helga (Practically screams to her face)
- I...LIKE...ARNOLD. (Pants) I'm head over heels, hook, line, and sinker, over the moon, loop-de-loop, wow and toot!. I'm in love with the boy!. (Pants) Happy now? Happy?
Lila (Stares at her, then smiles cooly)
- I've kinda had a funny feeling you liked him.
- Why can't you act like a normal person?
- Me? What about you? You're wearing a dress!
Mr. Hyunh (to Arnold)
- Now I believe you should be Romeo. And I will be Juliette!
- Go, get thee hence, for I will not away...
Sid (also acting)
- REDIRECT Sid and Germs/Quotes
- I want to suck your blood!
- No get away NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Stinky Vampire
- I want to suck your bloood!
- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No get away NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- REDIRECT Sid's Revenge/Quotes
- (the residents are moaning about the furnace breaking)
- This is nothing. You should have been here in the winter of '49 if you want real cold!
- I don't care, I was in Vietnam in 1949... plus I was not born yet!
- I hate the snow.
- I hate the snow.
- I hate the rain
- And I hate the sleet.
- Man, I sure do hate the snow.
- My feet are froze
- And my toes are, too.
- I hate, I hate— Whoa!
- (falls into a snow bank)
- I hate the snow.
- I hate the snow.
- Dumb football-headed snowman.
- That's the problem with society today.
- What, we got no work ethic?
- No, you got no play ethic!
Arnold (practicing his spelling)
- Phlegm. P-h-l-e... uh....
Grandpa (coming in with cookies and milk)
- g-m, phlegm. When you get to be my age, that's a word you use a lot. Milk and cookies?
- Alright Helga, you're next, and your word is: "qualm" (she pronouces it as "kwallm").
- Lets see, qualm: Q-u-a-LLL... (shrugging her hands out as if to say "I dunno") X?
- That is incorrect. Arnold is the new champion!
- Chinese Checkers is a game of marbles, and I've already lost most of mine.
- Ya-Hoo Soda, just drink it.
- Strange weather we're havin'. Rain, drought, and snow.
- And all in the same dang week!
- Try, try, and try again, till you can't try no longer. And if that don't work, you just spent a whole lot of time tryin' to do somethin' you just couldn't do.
- Wow! That is... the biggest vegetable... I've ever seen. First prize goes to...
- Stinky Peterson, Ma'am.
- He'll chase you down and pulverize you.
- How can he if he never leaves his stoop?
- Arnold, you're bold. Bold and crazy.
- Well, I guess there's no holding you back anymore. You're probably gonna wanna see the whole world now.
- What you kiddin'? I can't leave my stoop.
- What do you mean? Why not?
- Oh, sure, I could leave the stoop. But for now, i'm just going to keep hangin' out here, 'cause I'm Stoop Kid. That's who I am. You know, Arnold, you taught me a great thing. Now I can harass people from my stoop... and from off my stoop! (laughs)
- Gee, that wasn't really the point.
- Hey, Stoop Kid, you baby. Where's your diapers? Little baby Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop. (laughs)
- Come here, fat boy!
- Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop! Stoop Kid's afraid to leave his stoop!
- I think I can! I think I can!
Eugene (repeated line)
- Any minute now.
- Arnold and Eugene stuck in a tree, S-T-U-K in a tree!
Chocolate Boy (Reciting)
- Go to the fire station, tell them we're stuck in a tree, and don't stop for chocolate. Stuck in fire station...
- Let's see, two nickels, that's fifteen cents! I'll be right back.
- Go directly to the fire station, tell them we're stuck a tree, and whatever you do, don't stop for chocolate.
- Got it! Go to the fire station, tell them you're stuck up a tree, and don't stop except for chocolate.
- No! Go to the fire station, tell them we're stuck in a tree, and don't stop for chocolate.
- Go to the tree, tell them you're stuck in the fire station, and don't stop except for chocolate.
- Hey, look, it's Helga the bed wetter. (laughs)
- (entering airport and finishes greeting her parent's) Now, where's my baby sis?
- (looking around and see's Helga sitting down with Bob's coat wrapped around her) There's my baby sis!
- (looking up) Gee, Olga. Nothing gets by you.
- Oh Helga! You're such a silly! Now come here and give your big sis a kiss and a hug! (leans forward to hug and kiss Helga)
- (in the backseat of the car with Helga) Now, baby sis, we've never really been close. I want us to really bond this time and become much closer. So I have a surprise for you but I can't reveal it until tomorrow.
- (visibly anxious) Moans
- (talking to Olga at home) Look Olga, I've put in a lot of hard work to get where I'm at in P.S. 118. I don't want you to say or do something that could blow it all away.
- I would never do that.
- Oh come on, Olga! You're just saying that.
- No, I'm not. I really mean it Helga, you're my baby sis. (raises up a baby picture of Helga)
- (happy with anticipation when Helga is in her bedroom during another evening) What is it baby sis? Do you need help with your home work? Oh, gosh, isn't this great? We're really starting to get along.
- (pacing then turns to look at Olga) No, it's not. It's rotten.
- (perplexed and surprised) Rotten! But how could it be rotten!
- Look Olga, you think that just by being around we can get along. But we can't. The truth is, I can't stand you.
- (sobbing) What! You hate me, baby sis! And there is nothing I can do!
- Well, there is something you can do.
- What baby sis?! I'll do anything. Just tell me what to do.
- (talking to Olga at the airport) Look Olga, the farther away you are, the closer we'll be.
- (tearful) But I don't understand. I don't know when I'll see you again.
- The Inuit children need you. Go to Alaska. We'll see each other again.
- Ok. I will.
- What the heck is going on here? I'm gone for two lousy minutes and some bimbo is moving in on my territory?! Well, fat chance I'm gonna let that happen. Arnold is gonna be mine on this vacation, and no little beach chippie is gonna come between us!
Grandpa Phil (To ducks, suddenly realizing he was hallucinating)
- Wait a minute, you're not my ancestors, you're a bunch of ducks.
Grandpa Phil (Picks up shell)
- Hello, 911? This is Grandpa! Yeah, I'm stuck on an island. Hello? Hello? Aw, they put me on hold!
- So you sure he doesn't have a clue?
- Arnold? No way! He's pathetic. He's in love with me. I could probally get him to build me five sandcastles.
- But we just need one, baby.
- I know -- one sandcastle, we get first prize, I totally blow off Arnold and get to be on Babewatch, this plan worked out so perfectly.
- (Summer and Sandy kiss passionately)
Helga (to crushed Arnold)
- I'm sorry, Arnold.
- You were right the whole time, Helga.
- (Summer walks over to where they are)
- Oh Arnold, there you are! Ready to build our winning sandcastle?
- Forget it, Summer; I'm on to you! I know you think I'm pathetic and I know you've been lying to me this whole time.
- Arnold, I---
- I just heard you and that Sandy guy. You were just using me.
- I'm not building any sandcastle with you, ever. Goodbye, Summer.
- Goodbye, Autumn! It's been a blast. Too bad your evil plan fell flat on its face!
- Sorry I didn't listen to you, Helga. I guess you were really just trying to be my friend.
- Well, I figured it was the right thing to do; I mean, she was taking advantage of you and I couldn't just-- Well, hey, what the heck are we standing here talking for? We got a sandcastle competition to win. Come on!
- Bob, where you been? And you were right: the beach is incredible! I want to come back next year.
- Big Bob
- There isn't gonna be a next year, Miriam: we're never coming back to this forsaken dump; we're leaving right now!
- (Laugh) Bob, you're such a kidder! (Hits Bob on the back, still laughing as Bob screams)
- ... and the Winners of this year Sandcastle Competition are Arnold and Helga! Congratulations, guys! For first prize both of you will be appeared in the hit TV Show Babewatch filmed right here in our beach!
- That right, me. I'm The Winning Girl.
- (Summer Cries)
- It'll be alright... (Summer punches his stomach) OW!
- You and I are so through! (Summer keeps crying)
Harold (when he saw a D+ on his paper)
- Oh, I hate school. I wish I never have to go to school again.
- Come on, Harold, it's not that bad.
- Yes, it is! We're trapped in here day after day, doing boring stuff, and standing in line for cold crappy food that they don't even give me time to eat! Oh, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I just wish there was some way to get out of school and get to stay home and be free!
- Repeat slowly after me.
- Slowly after me...
- No! Not yet. Ok, I won't enter the school ground for the next three weeks.
- I won't enter the school ground for the next three weeks.
- Good, I'll see you in three weeks.
- Good, I'll see you in three weeks.
Harold (incognito as an Italian pizza delivery man)
- (to Principal Wartz) Someone ordered a pizza for the teacher's lounge?
- What are you doing, Harold?
- (in a fake Italian accent) Whad'ya talkin about? I'm not...Harold...Im a little old Italian man delivering a pizza. See, I... I... even have a mustache. (Wartz rips off mustache) OWW!!!
- That's another week of suspension for you, young man.
Principal Wartz (after seeing Harold planning to go to school once again)
- Well, well, well, so you just keep pushing your luck mister. I'm afriad it's another week of suspension for you.
- Principal Wartz, look at him. (Harold crying) Don't you think he learned his lesson?
- Rules are rules young man.
- But come on, hasen't he suffered enough?!
- Son, the school constitution has very strict previsions, now don't test my patience.
- But your not being reasonable. Your acting like a tyrant.
- (angry) THAT'S IT!!! I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BACKTALK!!! YOUR SUSPENDED FOR TWO DAYS!!!!
- What? You gotta be kidding?!
- You want to make it a week? (Arnold with a sad look)
Harold (being covered in hot cheese because the janitor poured it in the trash)
- Stupid cheese?!!!
- I'm a fireman!!! Woohoo!!! I'm a fireman!!! (sees Principal Wartz angry) Oops!
- (angry) Wolfgang, that is a flagrant violation of school safety rules (takes away the fire extinguisher from Wolfgang) not to mention federal law, your suspended.
- You heard me, (puts away the fire extinguisher back into its case) you are hereby order to stay out of the school for one entire week!
- (after his fire extinguisher plan failed) Hey, that stupid dork was suppose to suspend me.
- Harold, did you just call me a stupid dork?
- NO, NO NO NO.... (realizes he could be suspended for doing that) I mean yes, I did call you a STUPID DORK!!!
- That's a violation of the school constitution, article 54, section C, paragraph 2, your suspended.
- Yes. I mean...Awwww Geee?!
- Harold honey. Your shredded meat is on the table.
- No thanks, mother dear. I want to get to school EARLY today to get a headstart on my work.
- Has he been eating the instant coffee again?
Gerald (About Coach Wittenberg)
- But, Arnold, every time we even talk to him, he wants us to join some crazy team!
- Boys, I want you to join this crazy team.
- And I'm tired of being called a fruitcup and a sissy-boned fat boy!
- Uh, Harold, no one's called you that.
- I know, but... they'll think of it and call me it. You just wait.
- Watch it, you little fruitcup! You sissy-boned fat boy!
- See?! I told you someone would call me that!
- No chalk, no teachers! No chalk, no teachers!
- Where do you think you're going?
- Back to school.
- There are teachers everywhere!
- It's like one of those horror movies!
- Except for the fact it's real, pink boy!
- I'll show them. I'm me the most mountain, nature-loving girl the Aptidute has ever seen. (Whacks a pine cone with a stick)
- 5, 6, 7, 8, and— (Gets hit with the pine cone)
- (Making arts & crafts out of pine cone) This really helps to pass the time. Oh yeah, the hours just go flying by when you reduce the scope of your entire world to all the stuff you can make out of a crummy pine cone!
- ...So actually, Helga's results were quite exceptional. I'm deeply sorry for the heartache this must have caused you and your-
- (Rummaging through his fridge) Fine, fine, whatever. Is this gonna cost me anything?
- No of course not.
- I knew it! I'm a literary giant! I can be anything I want to be! Thank heavens I didn't throw away my poems and diaries, they'll be collector's items some day... "Portrait of the Artist as a Girl Genius"! (walks into living room)
- (Dumping box of Helga's journals into the fireplace)
Mickey Kaline (to Arnold)
- Y'know, kid, since I was seven years old the only thing I ever wanted to do was play baseball. I loved every minute of it. From the first time I played catch with my dad to the home run I hit this afternoon. And, well... thanks, kid.
Mr. Potts (about Kaline): Kaline's a BUM!
- Helga? What on earth are you doing here?
- I need you for a minute, Mom. I mean, I need to talk to you.
- You need me for a minute, Mom. Listen, I am sorry, Helga, but this is just not a good time. I mean, we'll be back on in five minutes and they need me. So whatever it is, it'll just have to wait until later, okay? So, go on, bye-bye, go do your homework or something.
- REDIRECT The Big Scoop/Quotes
Helga (to Harold being hit by a dodgeball)
- You're fine, Rudolph.
- I was talking to my man Fuzzy Slippers , and he says Frankie G. is bad news.
- See you tomorrow, Arnold.
- See ya, Frankie.
- There something I don't like about that Frankie G guy.
- Well maybe you're just bummed cause there's actually someone around cooler than you for a change.
- I said you're okay! You got potential!
- You want my pencil?
- If Arnold doesn't wanna talk about Frankie G right now, he doesn't have to. C'MON, MAN, SPILL IT!
- Fuzzy Slippers tells no lies, man.
- Who'd you say was the coolest again?
- You're a Bold kid, Gerald.
- Wait a minute. That's my line.
- I'm so close to the food! So close and yet so far away!
Helga (to Harold)
- Aw, put a sock in it! The rest of us can't live off our bulk like you can.
Mr. Simmons (to Helga)
- Young lady, I'm warning you.
- What are you gonna do, make me stay after school?
- Helga, you're just too dang ornery!
- Here's how much I care what you think. (snaps finger)
- I haven't changed my underwear in five weeks.
- 9:17. It's official. My life is over.
- Give Daddy some sugar.
- (falls in water) AAAAAAH!!
- Brainy? What are you doing here?
- Um. (wheeze) I dunno.
- I think you set us up Grandpa there is no haunted train.
- Well, now I didn’t say that.
- That's it that's it I'm out of here this is ridiculous there is no haunted train there is no mad engineer!
- And you two chuckleheads are driving me nuts! And stop playing that harmonica!
- I'm not playing that harmonica.
- What am I gonna do now, Smart Guy? AWWWWWW!!! (sobs)
Grandpa (Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption)
- "It was both beautiful and terrifying at the same time." (to Grandma) Sort of like you, Pookie.
Grandpa (reading journal)
- It was the hottest night the jungle ever had. (mumbles) Okay, Arnold, time for bed.
- But it's only six o'clock, Grandpa!
- Six o'clock? It's dinnertime! Why don't you go order some Chinese? Food, that is.
- Grandpa, how can you be hungry? We just ate a whole platter of sandwiches.
- Don't question me, Arnold. I'm your elder and I know what's best. Now go order some Chinese.
- Okay. fine. I'll order some Chinese.
- (Arnold leaves, and Grandpa tears out the page he was reading and puts it in his pocket)
- Whoo, sheesh. I thought he'd never leave.
- Oh, oh, this is good! Ho ho, you're gonna like this. Your dad just asked your mom to marry him.
- Wow, and she said yes, right?
- Lessee, actually she said, "No, thank you!" The end! Roll credits!
- (reading) "It was a beautiful tranquil day in—"
- (interrupting) Jolly old England! Eager crowds packed the London streets! Your mother arrived in a horse-drawn carriage, the diamonds in her tiara sparkling. Your father, resplendent with his gold-tipped sword, escorted her into St. Paul's Cathedral, where he—
- Pookie! That was Prince Charles and Lady Diana's wedding, you crazy nincompoop!
- (reading) "We waited anxiously for the arrival of the most anticipated person of them all, the reason we were all assembled, the focus of the whole event... my beloved, talented, handsome father... Phil!"
- Heh, heh! Just seeing if you're paying attention, Arnold.
- (after reading about Arnold's birth)
- So what happened after that? Did they go back to the village?
- No, you all lived happily in an old stone temple surrounded by boiling, hot lava.
- But where did they go to the bathroom?
- Yet another mystery.
- Never get old, Arnold, never get old!
Eduardo (to Stella and Miles)
- I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. —
- (Pookie interrupts the story with a belch)
- Pookie, I got a roll of tape, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Grandpa (singing before eating Chinese food)
- Chop suey, chicken chop suey, it's so hard to beat thee, smell of soy, no bok choy, I'm so happy to eat thee!
- Can we get back to the story?
- The butler did it! Oops, gave away the ending!
- The story of the green-eyed people.
- Ah, yes, the green-eyed people. Aren't they the people who installed our air conditioning? Y'know, I don't really trust them. I think they took the change I had in the cookie jar.
- No, Pookie, you're thinking of Oskar.
- Oh, am I?
- (reading) "We had no choice but to lay Stella down on the trail. She was not very happy."
- I... am... not... very... HAPPY!!!
- Wow, Grandpa! What an incredible story! I can't believe it!
- Neither can I! It's amazing! I can't believe they didn't name you "Phil"!
- You were a miracle baby, Arnold! Born during a volcanic eruption!
- I always thought he was born on the backseat of a Greyhound bus rolling down Highway 41.
- Oh, Pookie, that's an old hippie song!
- Arnold (final lines)
- Grandma! Grandpa! You have to see this! I found a map!
- The list for a kid's perfect Saturday: watch every cartoon from Six AM 'til Dance Craze, while eating three bowls of sugar chunk cereal; ride your bike down the steepest hill in the neighborhood, and you all know which one that is; play catch with every kid in the park; and finally, go to the movies and sit through it three times!
- Either that milk's gone bad or they figured out a whole new way to sell cottage cheese.
Guy on TV
- Mutant robots from outer space, spitting bacteria that eat your face... (TV melts)
- Hmmm... I think I got the 220 mixed up with the 660.
- No problem. I'll use the upstairs TV.
- Good idea! 'Cept the power's out in the whole house.
- Those poems weren't meant to be seen until I am dead and buried and worms have consumed my flesh.
Helga (referring to Arnold's room)
- I'm in his room, the place I have often visited in my dreams.
- Oh, my gosh! What is that shampoo?
- So far, we know our suspect is female, lives in the tri-state area, and is somewhere between the ages of eight... and eighty-seven.
- First spitball of the day, football head.
- So Gerald, when these results come out, will we finally find out who wrote the poems?
- No, I was just making hot chocolate.
- First thing we gotta do is get you a nickname.
- Cool! How about "The Terminator"?
- Nah, too dramatic. Wait, wait, I've got it. The perfect nickname for you: Bill.
- No, you see, I told Grandma I’d help save the same building I told Ernie I’d help destroy!
- Ladies and gentlemen, as Mayor of our fair city, I have an announcement to make.
- (aside to Mr. Green) I thought we recalled her.
- (Arnold and his friends built a wooden pig and are hiding in it while
Grandpa pulls it to the "British" fort)
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Look. It worked on the Trojans because their enemies knew they were tired of all the fighting.
- It worked on the Trojans because the Greeks knew when to keep quiet.
- (after Grandpa wheels up a giant wooden pig as a surrender gift)
- Savor this moment, grandson, when your enemy surrenders. Open the gate!
- Sir, there is a certain historical event I think we should consider.
- Your job is not to consider! Your job is to blow the hunting horn! Now open the gate!
- (the gate is opened and Arnold and his friends run out of the pig as soon as it is inside)
- (After Smythe-Higgins crashes into a tree branch.)
- Oh, curses! You minion: Cut short this foul hemlock which hath so offended me!
- Sorry guv'nor, I don't understand ya when you talk all fancy like that...
- Chop down the Bloody tree, you idiot!
Ernie (worried about the bet)
- Yeah out, as in two hundred clams right down the crapper!
- Hey, where you going?
- To take a long, hard look at my life.
- Well, while you’re there, would you pick up a quart of milk?
- I finally have the royal icon.
- We can call it: Gerald Field!
- Yeah, that's what we'll call it! Gerald Feld!
- I like that name.. Gerald Field! Just say it! GERALD FIELD!
- You're a bold kid, Arnold, a bold kid.
- This better be worth it, Football Head. I was watching CourTV.
- Hey, there's chickens in the outfield!
- Forget the chickens! There are checkers on the pitcher's mound!
- Our hands! (Grabs Brainy's hand) These hands! Look at these hands!
- (Brainy wiggles his fingers)
- They cleaned that lot! It's not fair.
- And grown-ups are always telling us what to do.
- Yeah! "Brush your teeth!"
- "Comb your hair!"
- "You can't play baseball here!" Rules, rules, rules! They've got rules for everything!
- "Be quiet! Sit down!"
- "Don't run in the house!"
- Yeah. Always saying, "Why don't you kids play nice?"
- Whoa, I never knew Mrs. Vitello had such a good right hook.
- Or that Mr. Green had such a glass jaw.
- Now if Arnold and his friends had to do this, they must have had a good reason.
- (Quietly to Arnold) Head for the hills boy, I'll try to slow 'em down.
- No, Grandpa. We know what we've done. You see, this is how the lot looked before we cleaned it up. Before we turned it into Gerald Field and before you guys kicked us out.
- So if you want Gerald Field so badly, you can have it just as we found it, A DUMP!
- Man, I feel like a real heel...
- Well, hey man, you know I mean, we did steal their lot...
- Well, there's only one thing to do at a time like this... PLAY BALL!
- PLAY BALL!
- PLAY BALL!
- PLAY BALL!
- (running the bases) PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL! PLAY BALL!
- WILL YOU BE QUIET?!!
- Arnold, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
- I don't know. What do you think I'm thinking?
Timberly (to Arnold)
- You're the nicest boy ever!
- Arnold, you're the nicest boy ever! See you tomorrow, Romeo!
- Where are you going?
- What are you doing there?
- Can I come?
- We're going somewhere to do something.
- But you just said you're going nowhere to do nothing!
- Hi, Arnold.
- Timberly, what are you doing here?
- I drew this for you. (showing a picture of a sunflower with Arnold's name multiple times)
- Look, it's a flower headed named Arnold.
(Rhonda, Stinky and Iggy all laugh.)
- (holding a picture) That's neat. Thanks, Timberly.
- What are you doing here? It's 8:15. Go back in first grade.
- Bye. (blows a kiss and leaves)
- Looks like you got a new girlfriend, Arnold.
- Hubba, hubba! (laughs)
(later after Arnold and Timberly leave from school)
- Well, I for one think they make an adorable couple.
- Yeah. Hubba, hubba! (laughs with Rhonda and Iggy)
- You'll just have to put up with her.
- (misunderstanding) You're right. I should just tell her.
- We beat the Smythe-Higgins! We beat the Smythe-Higgins! We beat the Smythe-Higgins!
- Grandpa Phil
- Thar she blows; The S. S. Jebrawlter. Ain't she a beaut'?
- Looks like a piece of junk to me.
- Grandpa Phil
- Son, you have to look deeper than the surface. (holds the ship closer) See? Maybe broken down and junky on the outside, but inside; it's all moldy and full of termite larvae!
- (exclaims in disgust)
- Grandpa Phil
- Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
- You're 13 years old and you're still in fourth grade!
- Torvald, what's 3×3?
- Uh, 33?
Gerald (to Arnold)
- Do me a favor, Arnold. If he hits you, just lay down and stay down.
- Look, Arnold, I got a C!
- Y'know, Arnold, you did a good thing helping Torvald pass that test.
- You mean 'cause now he knows that he has the power inside himself to succeed no matter what he tries?
- No, 'cause now I don't have to pay him back that quarter I owe him.
- You're a real romantic, Gerald.
- REDIRECT Veterans Day/Quotes
Boy (pointing at Harold)
- Look Mommy. There's a fat man.
- Oh, Johnny. No, no, don't say that. He's not a fat man. He's a fat boy.
Harold (talking to Arnold)
- Look at me. I'm a big fat slob and I haven't move in weeks. I can barely lift my arms.
- I'll take twelve of them.
- Harold, twelve low-fat Mr. Fudgies is the same as six regular Mr. Fudgies.
Harold (yelling at Mr. Jolly Olly Man)
- My name's not Tubby! It's Harold!
- (Stinky and Arnold are sitting together on the school bench, watching Arnie)
- It's amazing, Arnold. He looks just like you...only he's a lot uglier. And he talks kinda like you, only he's a lot dumber. I hate to say it, but to tell the plain truth... your cousin's dull as dirt.
- I know, Stinky. But, he's family. So I would appreciate it if you could be nice to him and just try to like him.
Be still, my beating heart. Hush my distempered breath.
I said hush my distempered breath. (punches Brainy)
...with my golden magic slingshot.
Golden magic slingshot?
Golden magic slingshot?
I thought it was a spear and a magic helmet.
No. (points) It's my golden magic slingshot! (crosses arms) Doi!
Ruth: (singing to Arnold)
I'm Ruth McCarmen and awfully charming. I guess you notice by the way you stare. You're not bad either. Let's take a breather and we can talk about my auburn hair.
She's like a flower blossom.
I know she's wicked awesome.
- You throw like a girl, man.
- Well, you throw like a little shrimp with stringy hair and big ears and your hat on backwards.
- No, I don't.
- Ahhh! It's wheezin' Ed! AHH!
- Brainy? What are you doing here?
- Um. (wheeze) Something.
Vic (Upon seeing the Kids)
- Hey, You punks! What do You think You're doing?
- (Kids gasp)
- It's Wheezin' Ed! And... and some other guy!
- What did you think TSP stood for?
Sid (With everyone looking at him)
- Uh... ten square pounds?
- We broke the record for most attempts to get in the Book of World Records! They say we're the most determined neighborhood they've ever heard of.
Quotes from unknown episodes
- Sounds like young Arnold's got another one of his complex labyrinthine conundrums of a boyhood problem.
- It's not insurmountable.
- Insurmountable? Man, you read too much.
- Remember, we'll beat any advertised price. Unless it's lower.
- (after Grandpa Phil gave him advice)
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- Sure, Arnold, anytime... Except next Wednesday at 3:30. I'm having a wart removed then.
- Move it, football head!
- (Censored Line as he is about to be denied entry of the Tunnel of Love)
- What, because I'm short means I can't get no action!
- You keep the money.
- If you think about it, I know you'll do the right thing.
- Whats the difference between a rump-roast and a butt steak?
- Help me, mommy!
- I'm okay.
- Strained beets... Strained beets...
Helga (says a poem)
- Oh Arnold my love,
- (Brainy's heavy breathing)
- (Helga knocks out Brainy)
- You're a bold kid Arnold, a bold kid.
- Ruth?! (giggle) Hewwo. My name's Wuth.
- Mirror-mirror on the bus. Is she a geek, or one of us?...GEEK!
- In out in out. (Pig goes out the door then back in with mudd) OUT! OUT! OUT!
- Kitty kitty kitty. Oh-so soft and pretty. Will you pet the kitty? Yes I will pet the kitty. Pet pet pet.
- Hey, short man!
- Must rescue the missionary! On team!! ON team!!
- Criminy! What is this crap?
- C'mon Phoebe, let's go spit in the river.
- Helga, you're just too damn ornery.
- This Really Bites!
- Morning, short-man!
- But I won't. I'll be... you know.
- No, you won't, Phil.
- Stop calling me Phil!