Sid's Revenge/Transcript

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Scene 1: P.S. 118 Cafeteria

Principal Wartz: Oh your red scarf matches your eyes…pistachio, must be my lucky day. (slips) Now what’s this? There seems to be a patch of rubber vomit. You there! With the, uh, go-go boots. Front and center.

Sid: Who, me?

Wartz: Son, let me assure you, there is nothing funny about the willful deployment of an artificial regurgitation, especially not in a designated lunching area.

Sid: Huh?

Wartz: Now, don’t you play innocent with me. This is your synthetic vomit, is it not?

Sid: No, it isn’t! I didn’t do it!

Wartz: Don’t you try and weasel your way out of this, young man. This type of harmless practical joking is a very serious matter.

Sid: But…

Wartz: No buts. Now I’ll expect to see you in my office at recess time. We can discuss how you’re going to spend your week’s detention.

Sid: Detention?

Stinky: (laughing) That was a right keen upchuck prank you pulled, Sid.

Sid: No, Stinky, you don’t understand.

Stinky: Too bad you went and got yourself caught red-handed.

Sid: Look, Stinky! I’m telling you, I didn’t do it!

Arnold: Sid, since you are innocent, you should just go and talk to Principal Wartz.

Sid: Yeah, maybe you’re right, Arnold. I’ll tell Wartz I didn’t do it, and he’ll have to let me off the hook.

Scene 2: Principal Wartz’s Office

Sid: And so in conclusion, sir, someone as judicious as yourself can plainly see, this whole thing has just been one big misunderstanding. So I guess we can forget about the detention, right?

Scene 3: P.S. 118 Cafeteria

Sid: (cleaning cafeteria floor) That’s it! This is the last straw. I mean, who does that guy think he is, anyway? I swear, I’m going to find a way to get back at Wartz if it’s the last thing I ever do.

Scene 4: Sid’s Bedroom

Woman on TV #1: Overworked? Unappreciated? Experience the sweet taste of Revenge.

(Sid changes channel)

Woman on TV #2: I swear, I’ll have my revenge!

(Sid changes channel)

Man on TV: Superstitious, revenge-minded villagers used revenge dolls to put curses on those who treated them unfairly or unjustly. These revenge dolls were crafted to look exactly like the unfair or unjust person and were carved from a simple household bar of soap.

Sid: (holds up bar of soap) This is going to be perfect. Yes, sir, I’d say it’s high time someone taught you a few listening skills, Principal Wartz. Now repeat after me: Sid is not guilty! Now, now, now, don’t try to weasel your way out of this, little soap man! It’s time to pay the piper! (laughs maniacally)

Scene 5: P.S. 118 Hallway

Sid: Gee, I don’t know what the deal is, but today I’m sure feeling great.

Nurse: So, what are we going to do without the old boss around?

Secretary: Well, as long as Wartz is in the hospital, I thought I’d catch up on a few things.

Sid: Principal Wartz in the hospital? It couldn’t be him. Oh no, what have I done?

Nurse: Sid? Are you okay?

Sid: (stammers) Yes, I’m fine, I mean, I gotta go.

Nurse: Wait, come back! Sid?

Scene 6: Hospital Lobby

Sid: Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for Principal Wartz. It’s an emergency.

Scene 7: Hospital Room

Sid: (to man in body cast) Principal Wartz, is that you? Mr. Wartz, can you hear me? It’s me, Sid, from school. I’m sorry, gosh, are you okay? Duh, of course you’re not. Ah, this is terrible. Look what I’ve done to you. Sir, I promise I’ll never ever mold a revenge doll in your likeness ever again. And if there’s anything I can do for you, anything at all, say the word and my wish is your command. Maybe I could scrub the cafeteria every day at recess or I could even come in for Saturday detention. Would you like that, sir? (the man groans) Oh good, water. (Sid picks up a cup of water that the man has been reaching for and drinks it) Ah, boy was I thirsty.

Dr. Steiglitz: Okay, Mr. Ricardy, time for your painkillers.

Sid: Mr. Ricardy? I thought this was Principal Wartz’s room.

Dr. Steiglitz: Didn’t anyone tell you?

Sid: Tell me what?

Dr. Steiglitz: Principal Wartz has… checked out.

Sid: Checked out? You mean permanently?

Dr. Steiglitz: Why yes, that’s usually the case. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Sid: (crying) It can’t be true. This can’t be happening. Principal Wartz is…dead, and I’ve, I’ve killed him!

Dr. Steiglitz: Would you mind keeping it down, young man?

Sid: Oh, sorry. (runs down hallway) It’s horrible!

Scene 8: Bus

(Sid looks at the soap doll of Wartz)

Scene 9: P.S. 118

Sid: Arnold, I’ve got to talk to you. I killed Principal Wartz.

Arnold: What?

Sid: Remember yesterday when I told you I was gonna go talk things out with Principal Wartz? Well, I tried to, I really did, Arnold, but he just wouldn’t listen.

Arnold: Slow down, Sid.

Sid: And so when I went home, I got really mad and I made a soap doll of Principal Wartz. (holds up doll)

Arnold: Say, that’s pretty good.

Sid: It put some kind of curse over Principal Wartz.

Arnold: Curse? What are you talking about?

Sid: Don’t you see? Principal Wartz is… gone.

Arnold: What do you mean, “gone?” Sid, he was probably just out sick today or something.

Sid: That’s what I was thought when I heard he was in the hospital. But when I went to see him, his doctor told me he had checked out. And you know what that means, don’t you? I accidentally killed Principal Wartz!

Arnold: That’s completely ridiculous. And besides, there’s no such thing as a “revenge doll.” C’mon outside, maybe his secretary knows something.

(Janitor scrubs Wartz’s name off his office door)

Sid: See? They’re already taking his name off the door.

Arnold: Look, Sid. This doesn’t mean a thing. Let’s not jump to conclusions.

Sid: No, Arnold, don’t you see? Principal Wartz has bit the big one. He’s bought the farm. He’s gone to meet his maker!

Arnold: Get a hold of yourself. What do you say we go outside and get a little fresh air. Then maybe we can talk about this thing rationally.

Sid: Okay, rational. But remember, I killed Principal Wartz!

Arnold: Sid…

Scene 10: P.S. 118 Parking Lot

Janitor: (scrubbing Wartz’s name off his parking space) He ain’t going to need this space no more.

Sid: They’re erasing Wartz’s name from his parking space. See? That proves it. I’m a cold-blooded murderer.

Arnold: This doesn’t prove anything. There’s got to be some logical explanation. Why don’t we just go over to Wartz’s house? He’s probably sitting in front of the TV eating his dinner at home.

Sid: Arnold, how can he eat dinner at a time like this? He’s dead.

Arnold: Ugh, Sid.

Scene 11: Wartz’s House

Arnold: C’mon, Sid, relax.

Sid: That’s easy for you to say. You didn’t murder anyone today. (door opens)

Wartz’s Roommate: (crying) Yes, can I help you?

Arnold: Hi, we’re here to see Principal Wartz.

Roommate: I’m sorry, children, but that would be quite impossible. You see, he’s under the big tree in the backyard, and well, he cannot be disturbed.

Sid: You see, Arnold, he’s under the tree!

Roommate: Yes, indeed, in his little dirt plot. (slams door and resumes cutting onions)

Sid: Well, you heard the man, Arnold. Poor Wartz is out there all alone in the cold ground feeding the worms!

Arnold: That’s not what he said. Let’s go just check out the backyard for ourselves.

Scene 12: Wartz’s Backyard

Roommate: Oh, Mr. Wartz, dinner is ready. (He and Wartz go inside)

Sid: There he is. Wartz is dead and buried right there.

Arnold: Sid, I know what it looks like, but there is no way.

Sid: I can’t take this anymore. I’m going straight to the police and I’m gonna come clean.

Scene 13: Police Station

Sid: Officer, I’ve come to turn myself in. It seems I unintentionally killed my school principal with the mystical powers of this doll I carved out of soap.

Officer Pudney: Uh, just one moment, please. (to other unseen police officers) Hey, Patty, get a load of this! Kid says he killed his school principal with a doll carved out of soap. (officers laugh as Sid cries)

Scene 14: Street

Sid: (looks at ice cream store sign) Hey Arnold, pistachio. That was Wartz’s favorite, and he’ll never ever get to eat it again, because I killed him. (holds up soap doll)

Arnold: Give me that. This whole thing has gotten completely out of control. I know what it might look like, but there’s no way this stupid soap doll of yours killed Principal Wartz. (takes doll and steps on it) I mean, what am I gonna have to do to convince you that this whole day has been one stupid coincidence after another? (Wartz emerges from ice cream store)

Wartz: Oh, hello there, boys.

Sid: Principal Wartz, you’re alive! Oh, it’s a miracle!

Wartz: Oh yes, alive and kicking. Just recovering from a little cosmetic outpatient surgery, that’s all. Nothing to be concerned about.

Sid: Arnold, you’re a genius, man. You destroyed the soap doll that I viciously carved to look like Principal Wartz and he instantly came back to life.

Arnold: Sid, that had nothing to do with it. He was never dead in the first place.

Sid: Oh, stop being so modest, Arnold. After all, we both saw Wartz’s office packed up in boxes, didn’t we? And what about the parking space?

Wartz: Well, actually, I am moving to the other side of the school building. Bigger office, more convenient parking.

Arnold: Sid, it’s getting late. Nice seeing you, Principal Wartz.

Wartz: Just one moment, boys. There’s something Sid and I need to discuss.

Sid: There is?

Wartz: It seems that yesterday, you were falsely charged with the crime of planting manmade throw-up in the school cafeteria. In fact, it was dropped by the drama teacher, some kind of prop or something. Anyway, it would appear that I may have been a bit hasty in my accusation, and for that, I apologize.

Sid: So you mean I’m off the hook?

Wartz: Well, no, not exactly. Now, about this matter of this hocus-pocus soap doll. I’m afraid the use of any such doll is still in violation of school policy and I’ll still have to give you a week’s detention. Now you boys have yourselves a splendid evening. See you bright and early.

Sid: Who does that Wartz think he is giving me a week’s detention? There’s gotta be some way I can get back at that guy. Maybe I’ll loosen the bolts on his office chair. Or I could empty a box of tacks in his shoes! Or the old spitwad in the morning coffee.

(Wartz licks his ice cream and slips on the soap doll, which is now frowning)