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The Journal/Quotes

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Grandpa (Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption)

"It was both beautiful and terrifying at the same time." (to Grandma) Sort of like you, Pookie.

Grandpa (reading journal)

It was the hottest night the jungle ever had. (mumbles) Okay, Arnold, time for bed.

Arnold

But it's only six o'clock, Grandpa!

Grandpa

Six o'clock? It's dinnertime! Why don't you go order some Chinese? Food, that is.
Arnold
Grandpa, how can you be hungry? We just ate a whole platter of sandwiches.
Grandpa
Don't question me, Arnold. I'm your elder and I know what's best. Now go order some Chinese.
Arnold
Okay. fine. I'll order some Chinese.
(Arnold leaves, and Grandpa tears out the page he was reading and puts it in his pocket)
Grandpa
Whoo, sheesh. I thought he'd never leave.

Grandpa

Oh, oh, this is good! Ho ho, you're gonna like this. Your dad just asked your mom to marry him.

Arnold

Wow, and she said yes, right?

Grandpa

Lessee, actually she said, "No, thank you!" The end! Roll credits!

Grandpa
(reading) "It was a beautiful tranquil day in—"
Grandma
(interrupting) Jolly old England! Eager crowds packed the London streets! Your mother arrived in a horse-drawn carriage, the diamonds in her tiara sparkling. Your father, resplendent with his gold-tipped sword, escorted her into St. Paul's Cathedral, where he—
Grandpa
Pookie! That was Prince Charles and Lady Diana's wedding, you crazy nincompoop!

Grandpa
(reading) "We waited anxiously for the arrival of the most anticipated person of them all, the reason we were all assembled, the focus of the whole event... my beloved, talented, handsome father... Phil!"
Arnold
Grandpa!
Grandpa
Heh, heh! Just seeing if you're paying attention, Arnold.

(after reading about Arnold's birth)

Arnold

So what happened after that? Did they go back to the village?

Grandpa (sarcastically)

No, you all lived happily in an old stone temple surrounded by boiling, hot lava.

Grandma

But where did they go to the bathroom?

Grandpa

Yet another mystery.

Grandpa

Never get old, Arnold, never get old!

Eduardo (to Stella and Miles)

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. —
(Pookie interrupts the story with a belch)

Grandpa

Pookie, I got a roll of tape, and I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandpa (singing before eating Chinese food)

Chop suey, chicken chop suey, it's so hard to beat thee, smell of soy, no bok choy, I'm so happy to eat thee!

Arnold
Can we get back to the story?
Grandpa
The butler did it! Oops, gave away the ending!
Grandma
(laughs)
Arnold
The story of the green-eyed people.
Grandma
Ah, yes, the green-eyed people. Aren't they the people who installed our air conditioning? Y'know, I don't really trust them. I think they took the change I had in the cookie jar.
Grandpa
No, Pookie, you're thinking of Oskar.
Grandma
Oh, am I?

Grandpa
(reading) "We had no choice but to lay Stella down on the trail. She was not very happy."
Stella
I... am... not... very... HAPPY!!!

Arnold
Wow, Grandpa! What an incredible story! I can't believe it!
Grandpa
Neither can I! It's amazing! I can't believe they didn't name you "Phil"!

Grandpa
You were a miracle baby, Arnold! Born during a volcanic eruption!
Grandma
I always thought he was born on the backseat of a Greyhound bus rolling down Highway 41.
Grandpa
Oh, Pookie, that's an old hippie song!

Arnold (final lines)
Grandma! Grandpa! You have to see this! I found a map!

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